nope?
mine doesn’t either.
don’t get me wrong, sometimes i’m happy because of my marriage. and that’s ok.
but sometimes i’m angry.
sometimes i’m lonely.
sometimes i’m frustrated.
sometimes i’m giddy.
sometimes i’m secure.
sometimes i’m unaffected.
sometimes i’m inspired.
all because of my marriage? yeah. all because of my marriage.
there are LOTS of emotions wrapped up in my marriage. yes, sometimes i’m happy because i’m married. but i don’t rely on my marriage for lasting happiness. i don’t rely on my husband to make me happy.
that’s a setup for disappointment.
the Bible doesn’t teach us that marriage should make us happy…. we don’t marry our spouse for them to be responsible for our happiness for the rest of our lives. we marry to fulfill the purpose that God placed us on this planet for – to glorify Him by our labor and our talents as a team. also, we marry to model Christ and the Church. and, we marry to have Godly offspring.
do you think that our culture (through music, movies, commercials, etc.) is slowly and secretly communicating to us that marriage should make us happy?
do you think young people today marry for happiness?
how do you deal with this in your own marriage, or as you might anticipate marriage in your own life?
thanks for this reminder. you’re right; marriage doesn’t make me happy. i am most disappointed in those moments when i expect that it should.
while my husband and my marriage aren’t responsible for my happiness, i do think that when balanced out, it should provide more happiness than loneliness, frustration, anger, sadness, etc. when the see-saw is tipped too much the other way, unhappiness sprouts all sorts of ugliness.
(as a side note: i can see your mom clapping her hands as she reads: “and, we marry to have Godly offspring.”)
What a great post!!
I was just talking to my friend yesterday about these very same issues.
No Marriage is not what makes you happy. Laying down your life for someone else is what is the fulfilling part.
The culture of taday sais that everyone should meet your needs and if they don’t you should take a good look at that relationship. How detrimental this is to the BODY. Like you said this was never the model Christ gave.
Love this post!!
Hi Mandy, great post!
I just got done rereading ‘I Promise’ by Gary Smalley. Basically the book revolves around five promises to make between yourself, God and your spouse that basically breaks down to look to God first, make your own changes, you cannot depend on your spouse for your happiness. Great book, I would definitely recommend it!
Good thoughts, Mandy. If we’re looking to our husbands to make us happy, we’ll sure be disappointed at any given time. (working on #34 this year! Loving every minute!! well…most of them) ; )
Robin: 34!!? wow… what’s the secret???
Parker and I read a great book about this very topic when we were engaged — Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. The subtitle of the book is actually “What if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?” I would recommend it for anyone and everyone. It was incredibly challenging, and I think I probably need to re-read it every few years or so.
I will step up onto my proverbial soapbox on this topic for just a moment … I think that the church (not just culture) has also, at times, fed us the lie that marriage will make us happy. As someone who has struggled with identity and security issues for years, I can remember being barraged with ways to prepare myself to be a wife as early as junior high. Although I think that it is critical for the church to adequately support believers as they prepare for marriage, I find that sometimes this has crossed over into an impression that marriage is the ultimate goal we are striving for — not Jesus (even though He is our very great reward – Gen. 15:1). There are countless books, sermons, and seminars that have led us (especially girls) to become consumed with how we will find the right godly spouse to marry and how to make ourselves attractive to that godly spouse. Especially because it’s not God’s will for everyone to be married, I think it’s critical for the church to take a step back and examine the messages that we are sending — are they aligned with Scripture? It’s a fine line to walk to insure that Christians have a godly perspective on marriage in the context of a self-gratifying culture. I’m stepping back down now…
Sacred Marriage was loaned to me for the reading as well. It was highly recommended! And so true about holy vs. happy. I often have to remind myself though of the quote – ‘You can’t made your husband holy but you can make him happy.’ I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. I honestly have had quite a struggle with the first two years of marriage and the whole happiness thing because there has not been near as much happy going around as I had expected. But I think I find peace in knowing God’s working and that my husband and I are full joy. But I do pray we all laugh often with our guys.
i concur, rachelpage. reminds me of a line from a song on caedmon’s call’s newest cd: “This was not the way it looked on the billboard…Smiling family beaming down on the interstate.” too often we set people up for failure by painting an inaccurate picture.
holy vs. happy, huh?
i LIKE that!!!!! we definitely have some HOLINESS challenges in our marriage.
how does divorce affect our cultural perspective on marriage? Does the high rate make people think marriage really isn’t about happiness – and therefore there is more living together unmarried? Or does that foster the idea that I should be happy and get what I can out of the marriage, and if that doesn’t happen, I’m out?
DAN said: Does the high rate make people think marriage really isn’t about happiness?
man i HOPE so! maybe that’ll do the trick.
Great post! I sure agree the mindset is that our we marry our spouse so they can make us happy. There was a time when I thought that he was supposed to make me happy. For the first 15 years I lived in that belief,and was sorely disappointed. Who could live up to my expectations? When I made the choice to let God run my life instead of me asking for His help and then doing it my way, ahh…freedom from bondage. That was in 2001. The Lord is the only one in whom I trust to make me happy. My husband and I have a good relationship but it is always secondary to my “true love”. And I must say, I love it like that! God is so faithful.
I think Dan probably is more correct with his last question,
“Or does that foster the idea that I should be happy and get what I can out of the marriage, and if that doesn’t happen, I’m out?”
Look at Hollywood marriages. There are so many of them…all from the same 6 people! They marry, divorce, marry, rinse and repeat stating irreconcilable differences. We all know what THAT means. “I’m not happy anymore, I must move on for MY OWN good.” And that’s what’s being fed and shoved in our young ones faces. If it was all gonna be hunky-dory then we wouldn’t have “For better and for worse” in our marriage vows.
I remember at our good friends wedding many years ago the groom repeating that section like this….”For better and for worse. Most likely worse.”
JT makes me way happy, but that’s becuase I’m only happier in Jesus. We don’t fight much and I believe that’s because we don’t expect each other to me the fulfillment. We are just each others icing on the cake. And it’s oh so yummy!!
natalie: one of my seminary friends said that she’s never (read: never not ever never) fought with her husband. sheesh… and, they’ve been married long enough to have two adorable kids! we blame it on the fact that they both have laid-back personalities and very similar preferences.
this post expresses just what i was afraid of. i’ve always thought marriage would ‘complete me’ and take away my feelings of insecurity and loneliness. more and more lately, i find myself thinking that this just can’t be true. sad. but at least we have the confidence in Christ that he will complete us, and make us new! here’s hoping i don’t come into marriage with unrealistically high expectations! ack! poor him
Aww, marriage is an opportunity for unmet expectations that we place on man. (or woman) God called us to be holy, not happy. And yes, there are days my entire family drives me nuts! But what would I do without them? Great post.
Mandy! Love your blog and not quite sure why I haven’t been reading it before now:)
About this happiness in marriage thing. Sister, you couldn’t have written it more beautifully. It is disheartening that we think marriage should bring us happiness. It’s especially disheartening when it doesn’t because then, we throw the D word out there. I’m going to blame Hollywood for this one
My hubby and I have been married for 15 years. And I love about 98% of every minute of it. We haven’t REALLY fought in years but will have a disagreement from time to time that ends very quickly. Why? Because we spent the first 9 years being so ugly to each other that I think it’s out of our systems, lol.
My marriage does make me happy most days because we are best friends and absolutely love to be together. I think the first 9 years helped us both realize that we must cling to our Jesus. We did. And here we are.
Sorry for the monologue….Have a great day!
Great post. It’s a great point. Yes, I definitely think that the culture we live in pushes marriage for happiness. It’s so unrealistic, and it’s probably part of the reason why there are so many divorces…because our culture also preaches divorce for unhappiness.
Do you mind if I post a link to this on my blog? I don’t usually write about these sorts of issues on my blog, and I think it would be a nice change.
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I definetly get sucked into the whole ‘does he make me happy?’ thoughts. Sometimes it’s hard to remember what a marriage really is supposed to be. Thanks for this great post. After nine years of marriage I need these lessons more and more!
thanks for sharing mandy – I’ve been a bridesmaid 8 times. I am going to start making all love-struck friends read.
So true- so good… and ya know… I think it took me a few years to get this… I think when I entered marriage (a decade ago!!) I wanted Dave to “complete” my ideas of happiness… and that is a recipe for disaster! But it totally seems to me that a lot of people enter marriage for “happiness” instead of partnership… and there’s a huge difference!!
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