the day i learned the truth about guys
2008 April 22
i was sitting in the airport – near baggage claim. with drew.
she was standing outside the restroom, waiting.
as he turned the corner to walk out of the restroom, he was still zipping up his fly.
and, i immediately knew the truth.
he hadn’t washed his hands.
i watched him smile at her, slip his hands in hers, and walk away.
and i made myself a promise – to NEVER touch anything in public again.
ever.
::
gentlemen – PLEASE tell me that all men aren’t like this.
how do YOU “handle” subways, guard rails, arm rests, door handles, tables, etc etc etc etc etc??????
ha ha! i knew it!
i never ever touch the handrails on an escalator.
My wife has trained me well.
I wash up after pit stops (which I did for the most part).
I wash up before dinner.
I even have to wash my feet before getting in to bed (if I haven’t showered).
She swears she can smell “foot” on the sheets if I don’t. I can’t detect it, but I suspect she is a highly trained secret agent android with an uber sense of smell.
I don’t sip from a straw or take a drink while food still remains in my mouth.
She has even broken me of saying “ain’t” and incorrectly interchanging “went” with “gone” (which needed to be fixed grammatically).
Needless to say, guys are a pretty rough lump of clay to work with, but in the right hands we’re very pliable.
Purell….”Kills 99.99% of Germs”….got that right off the bottle..sitting right in front of me.
No one uses my phone…no one…unless i wash it off after. Ear wax–gross.
Russ: i LIKE your wife!!!!!
Lori – GIRL – yes! i knew SOMEBODY would break out the purell on here. just wondered who it’d be! as for EARWAX???? you think THAT’S gross??? LOL
as for what to touch & not touch…. part of me has just given up. i mean, think about it. EVERYTHING is dirty. it just is….
EW EW EW!!!! This is funny and gross at the same time.
I DO use the antibacterial stuff after the gas pump and the machines at the gym.
exactly. Everything is dirty, and life is too short to worry about it. Wash your hands after you go potty, get some Purell if you want to. One time, I was eating at a restaurant with some friends, and a chip fell on the table. I picked it up and ate it, and my friend freaked out. I KNOW that some extra germs were on it, but good grief. EVERYTHING is already dirty, so don’t sweat it!
Adam: i guess germs add protein or something, right?
I’m definitely getting better at not touch certain rails, handles, etc…
And since your blog has once again dove into the recesses of bathrooms and germs, I’ll contribute the following question – Out of the 10, which is the least used finger? … because that’s the one I want to pull open the bathroom door with.
i’m a left-hand pinky puller too!!!!!!!!!!!
If it doesn’t kill you, it only makes you stronger. Seriously, I’m pretty sure it strengthens your immune system. But I’m not a doctor or a germatologist so who knows.
Wait until you have kids. Then you not only freak out about everything you touch, but your mommy eyes watch in horror as your child innocently tries to pick up an item of food she dropped from the ground in a public place. My mom tells a great story of one time my sister and I went with her into a public restroom, because she really had to go. When we had washed up and left she looked down to see my sister chewing something. She asked what it was, and my 2 year old sister informed her it was gum. After forcing her to spit it out and trying to prod her with questions to figure out where it came from, she was informed that it had been under the bathroom sink…talk about germs…yuck!
EXACTLY! God made dirt, and dirt don’t hurt. I think it’s in the Bible.
Steph: GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Adam: i’ve heard that verse before as well!
so does that mean we should go around licking hand-rails? i’m just sayin…
“he” is not (i hope) representative of the majority of guys.
i regularly wash my hands; not so much that you’d assume some ocd, but i wash when appropriate.
and this isn’t as often an issue for guys as it is for girls, but i don’t like to um… ’sit down’ in public bathrooms.
but, i have to admit, i’m not freaked out by germs.
for shock value, i’ve chewed gum after it was chewed by a casual friend.
for entertainment, i’ve eaten peanut butter from my college roommate’s armpit.
on a dare, i’ve licked the parking lot of the varsity in atl.
and once in a game, i received a ‘moose kiss’ from someone we’ll leave safely anonymous.
i’m the queen of hovering in public bathrooms.
AND… what’s a moose kiss?
Life is germs.
Besides, its really not hard for a guy to go to the bathroom and not touch anything but his clothing. You flush with your foot.
I’m just being real.
Al: unfortunately i went to college with Josh. so i’m familiar with his shenanigans (peanut butter episode).
….i’m pretty sure a moose kiss is licking somebody’s nose.
Travis: in a perfect world i would ask for elaboration on that comment… but i’m not gonna. i’m gonna go home & talk to drew about it.
My mom often gives ME a hard time about how often I wash my hands, and how I try to avoid to touch things in restaurants, on my way back from the rest room.
I’ve actually had women ask me why I take so long in the bathroom. And my response is, “Because I wash my hands.”
Donnie: i didn’t know we could be TOO cautious with hygiene! welcome to Just a Girl.
TheNor: YAY!!!!!
Being too cautious with hygiene…no, but being too antibacterial OCD…yes. I used to use antibacterial EVERYTHING. ALL of my cleaning products were Antibacterial, I carried Purell with me at all times. I was freaked out about any meat juice touching my counter or skin…it was ridiculous.
My kids were always sick anyway. Soooo, I stopped using most of the products and usually clean with Lemon Scented Pine Sol and Windex. I also use special stuff for the bathrooms and dusting…but my kids seem much healthier. I think I was OVER antibacterialing everything and as soon as my kids got out into the germy world we live in they hadn’t developed the resistance to fight them off. (I still use Purell, because when we are out and eating in public…I want to know my kids hands aren’t a total petri dish…) But yeah, thats my story.
Although, I am still VERY pro on handwashing! VERY! (Regualr old soap and hot water though!)
Alece (and whoever else wants to know):
a moose kiss, as i understand it, was to have someone lick your face.
sorry a bit long, but here’s the story:
i received my first (and i think only) ‘moose kiss’ while in college.
we, a group of college students, were with a bunch of teenagers leading a church’s youth group meeting. we were playing a ridiculous game called ‘honey, if you love me…’ where one person is without a seat and tries to take another person’s seat by saying ‘honey, if you love me would you please smile,’ to which the other person has to respond, ‘honey, i love you, but i just can’t smile.’ if the person smiles/laughs during their response, they have to give up their chair and try to get somebody else to smile/laugh.
most people approach this with a funny voice, or a silly face, or asking really loud or suddenly. i’m sitting there, minding my own business, playing the game, when suddenly i was asked, ‘honey, if you love me would you please smile. if you don’t, i’ll give you a moose kiss.’ a little confused and caught off-guard, i say, ‘i love you but i just can’t smile, even though i don’t know what a moose kiss is.’
the person (one of the female college students) then licks my face, from my neck just below my chin all the way up to the top of my forehead. ‘and that’s a moose kiss,’ she told me.
i would name this person, but they’re now married and regularly read this blog, and i didn’t mean to create anything weird… just funny.
Josh: LOL! i KNEW i remembered that story!!!! and, don’t worry, the “anything weird” was created when the licking happened! GROSS!!!!
the things we’ll do in the name of ministry.
Teri: you know, i’ve heard of us antibacterializing ourselves to the point of under-exposure, which leads to a diminished immune system. hmmmm……
Honestly I never used to care… (I mean I uh still washed my hands and stuff!)
But my wife is a little bit of the germ freak. Don’t touch the railing, door handles, chairs, etc. This get particularly frustrating for me when our 2 kids are running around touching everything in sight – out comes the anti bacterial wash. Then we wash our hands FIRST thing when we get home.
I’ve got to say, it’s been good and it’s catching on with me. We hardly ever get really sick when everyone around us has the flu or the super cold or whatever…
As far as guys not washing – I throw up in my mouth every time I see it, and I see it a lot.
But there is a rule of thumb for guys. Country pee requires no washing of hands – don’t ask me why cuz I don’t know it just doesn’t.
Alex: You are SO right. country pee DOESN’T require a washing of hands. and i don’t know why…. wow. never thought of that!
Thats disgusting. Of course not all women wash their hands either. Its true.
I think Natalie Jane is right:
“If it doesn’t kill you, it only makes you stronger. Seriously, I’m pretty sure it strengthens your immune system. But I’m not a doctor or a germatologist so who knows.”
Our immune system needs to be exposed to germs so it can learn to recognize them and stay strong enough to kill any of the nasty critters that invade our bodies.
There are also some germs we do need to avoid because they can kill us. I always wash when I come in from outdoors and after I handle food while preparing a meal.
Country pee versus city pee? That does have me stumped. Maybe the city pee germs are a lot tougher.
If you haven’t been grossed out yet by this topic just remember that in Roman times the Gauls used urine to whiten teeth. Even today people in both China and India drink urine to improve their health.
Maybe he did wash his hands and instead realized afer the fact he forgot to zip us his fly.
So I guess in these situations I deal with them by being naive. Truthfully people that do wash their hands after the bathroom probably don’t do it correctly enough to wash away all germs. At the health department they once had a glow in the dark thing that you put your hands under and it shows you spots you missed… I will sadly admit I missed a whole thumb. Just saying even with washing hands there is a chance of missing bacteria
TKWI: DEFINITELY a good point about the ladies! i haven’t considered that.
Ed: country pee = peeing outside. no use of bathrooms or plumbing or anything. grab a tree & go with it (GUYS only!!!).
Tracie: imagine how much better our world would be if every restroom had that scanner thingy. wow!!!
I’m pretty late to the conversation but you don’t want to know what my kids touch (namely my two year old) when they go to the horse stables for my older daughter’s lesson.
Chickens, chicken-poo, dogs, dog-poo, horses, horse-poo, dirt, chicken feed, horse brushes, railings, underneath railings, horse hair clumps, dog hair clumps, chicken feather clumps…get the picture?
It’s pretty near impossible to keep the toddler happy without letting her touch everything she wants. I just try to keep it all out of her mouth. It doesn’t always happen.
Yes, they could get rid of those signs “Employees must wash their hands.” and spend money on the scanner things, replacing the signs with something more productive.
Sarah:
you should’ve stopped with the first sentence of that comment. EWWWWWW…..
Tracie: how ’bout we invent a hand scanning machine that ONLY lets you out of the bathroom if your hands are clean? eh????
Mandy I should clarify that I was referring only to going #1. Drew can draw you a picture. And I DO normally wash my hands. However, in many public male restrooms, if you can get out without touching anything but your jeans, you are WAY better off. Thats all I am trying to say.
Travis:
THANK YOU for the clarification – it makes a difference!!! and, i WON’T be asking drew to draw me any pictures.
Okay that grosses me out! BTW thanks for leaving me a comment in reference to my waxing question on wornoutwoman….
But seriously guys…WHY dont you WASH YOUR HANDS??? It’s not only gross but unsanitary. I am starting to take wipes in my purse so I can clean them after being out in public. YUCK!
my girls often “moose kiss” me
i kick open or use towels to open public bathroom doors. i wipe down shopping carts with antibacterial wipes (mainly for the girls…gross) or at least throw my jacket over the handlebar so they dont moosekiss the shopping cart. and then i’ll antibacterial gel our hands after shopping or playground play.
(that moose kiss story gave me the heebie jeebies)
mandy — men only on the country-peeing, eh? have any other girls (beside me) “country peed” before??? (c’mon! i’m from the city and i’ve done it… but i do live in africa, so that’s really the only reason i have!)
I open doors with my pinky’s and elbow’s if possible. Germs….eeeeewwwww
When the next airborne supervirus comes along and all you obsessive anti-bac wipers/non handle touchers are all wiped out by reason of your reduced immune systems there’ll be more room for those of us who don’t ‘over-compensate’ in this area – and yes, i do wash my hands in public toilets – where else can you get free soap and hand-dryers?
If a public toilet seat is wet
i’ll wipe it with some paper but otherwise – no ‘biggy’ -i’ve sat on many – and i never once got pregnant! 
I do however catch my flu’s and things from the (rare) occasions when i walk through Airports and breathe in – any of you carry your own oxygen masks/0.5 micron anti-virus masks in public???
Hygeine with food is fine – being afraid of ‘flat surfaces’ (
) or shaking hands with our fellow imperfect humans is a worry.
That’s my $0.02
<B
I was NOT going to comment BUT – couldn’t leave Alece hanging out there alone. Have none of the women camped/hiked/hunted in places without facilities? Definitely no washing of hands out there. I’m usually more concerned with trying to find a “private” bush to hide behind.
Pretty relaxed and not phobic about the germs. But always wash the hands after with soap and water. In fact, too much Purell with the kids can backfire. Mine only want to wash with that and not soap & water. It may kill some germs but it doesn’t get the dirt off your hands!
Mandy, let’s invent it. How about one that is implanted into the door handle so there is no way of bypassing it. If your hands are not scanned or clean the door locks, you are stuck, ha ha! Can you imagine how long bathroom lines would be then?
i can’t believe i’m actually going to type this, but i feel it NECESSARY to clarify something of the ergonomic experience that separates the two sexes when it comes to peeing:
women don’t have to TOUCH ‘anything’
please use your imagination when translating the word ‘anything’ because i’m not referring to anything… i’m referring to something VERY specific – ok? men touch ‘anything’ then walk out of the bathroom without washing.
thatsallimsayin!!!!
OK, honestly I don’t ALWAYS wash my hands. But the good new is I USUALLY don’t pee on them either! I promise I will do better in the future.
Pete: way to set an example for the men in your congregation.
it’s time to come out of the closet:
i only wash my hands about half the time.
:::GASP:::
And that frees me to come out too, I am there with you Alece! Hmm, I tend to make an effor to wash in public, but at home I don’t always wash.
FINE!!! ME TOO ME TOO!!!!
but, again, can we please refer to comment #43?
its SOOOO different for girls.
really
REALLY
oh absolutely! and i loved the way you explained the difference! ha ha!
its bad but i dont even want to shake hands with guys at church because of this.
Uh-Uhh – now way! – that (Y’aww) Ain’t Right!
Since no other ‘gentlemen’ (and i use the term in it’s toilet door sense) are gonna ‘bite’ i see it as my duty.
Are you HONESTLY trying to tell me that NONE of you ‘Lady’s’ wipe your (and here i use Tam’s clearly descriptive and in no way embarrased term) ‘Hoo-Hoo’s’ with toilet paper afterwards to ‘catch’ any stubborn little ‘drips’????? (and i am NOT even going to the ’second’ reason we all go to the ‘powder room’)
Are you then futher going to tell me that you NEVER,EVER,NOT NEVER feel a certain ‘wetness’ in the process???
and for your information – the ‘average’ human penis (about 4″ i believe
) is roughly one hundred times cleaner in terms of actual germs than any human hand (male or female)
Think about that the next time you shovel popcorn or french fries or some similar food into y’aww maw.
(That’s maw as in mouth not as in Mom! )
<B
* now way! shoulda bin No Way!
<B
oh. my. cow.
i did not just read THAT word on here! HA HA!
i WILL say this: OF COURSE we wipe. but all we touch is toilet paper! if i happen to “feel a certain wetness”, which DOESN’T happen very often, i will MOST CERTAINLY wash my hands.
MOST CERTAINLY!!!!
i can’t believe this is still going… wow.
“feel a certain wetness” — ha ha ha! yeah. that’s a rare event. but of course would always be followed with thorough washing…
oi vey.
im so disturbed that Love knows the avergae size of a guys penis.
that aint right.
just me and the cockroaches. all y’all gone die. and u no we gonna get a supergerm soon and only the people with some germ resistance will live. do you know how much mouse feces is allowable in breakfast cereal before it won’t pass. how about salmonella peanut butter, a bacteria that generally attacks meat. if you didn’t grow it yourself and pick it and clean it and prepare it, chances are it’s been somewhere you wouldn’t eat from even if you had some wipes.
i’m not saying don’t wash. just don’t be …i think the term was OCD about it. you’re gonna ingest some things that would not be considered healthy in large quantities.