i got all nostalgic a few weeks ago when i realized that i’ve been blogging about a year, so i checked out my first post. i noticed a comment that was left there about a month ago: When have you faced adversity in your faith and have you ever considered walking away from it?
dang. this is hard for me to answer, because there are people that know me - knew me - back when this happened, and i tried so hard to cover it all up.
but, do i have to answer this question? yes. because of the post i wrote. because i said i would. because i wrote “i think this blog is a great way to present my experiences and lessons (some hard-learned)” and because you asked.
short answer: when? college. ever considered walking away? i walked away.
the truth is, i went through a period of time in college when i lost every ounce of faith i had. i had my quiet time one morning. i went to my apartment that night and told two dear friends that i’d lost all faith and thought it was all a pile of crap. i shook as i told them. my eyesight went blurry. i was devastated.
i was headed into Christian counseling. i was writing songs about Jesus. i was in an amazing Christian band. i’d spent two summers in youth ministry. i was leading worship at a campus ministry at the time. i was experiencing God in ways i’ve never experienced since. and yet. yet. my faith faltered.
i was devastated.
my life had become a Christian’s worst nightmare.
after weeks of hoping to get back to normal, i had to step down from leading worship. i begged my campus pastor not to tell the group why i stepped down, because i didn’t want to take anyone else down with me. that couldn’t be helped. man, i messed up a lot of my relationships along the way. my biggest regret is that i hurt people that i loved so dearly.
shortly after stepping down, i found myself entangled - stuck - addicted - in a mess of sin - the type of sin that is best not mentioned in public.
there are a lot of nights that i’ll never forget, but one that is so vividly etched in my mind to this day. i was sitting in my car, in our campus ministry parking lot, crying - screaming - to God (if He was even there) - telling Him how ANGRY i was that He let this happen to me. to my faith. to my life. “this is my @#$%ing life!” i screamed as i pounded my steering wheel.
believe it or not, i think He heard that prayer. and i think He was ok with it.
how long did it take for things to straighten out? a while. a long while. i had a heap of crap to climb out of - things were more complicated than just figuring out if God really existed. weeks, months, well over a year went by before i felt remotely normal.
the majority of my “recovery” actually happened right out of college. there was an incredible para-church youth ministry that was crazy enough to hire me. crazy enough to have me on the team. i was walking-wounded at the time. i was barely limping spiritually. i was in need of some SERIOUS spiritual intensive care.
it was through this ministry that i met a woman who mentored me for the next 5 years. she walked me out of a pit of shame and guilt. she walked me through all the questions i had about myself. she walked me into falling in love with my husband. she walked me through the fears of getting married. she walked me through my first year of marriage. and she walked me through the process of leaving that spiritual hospital and moving to seminary.
i know that there are “reasons” for things that happen to us. i know this. James tells us that the testing of our faith produces perseverance.
i’m a different person because i know how messed up i am. it’s hard to look down my spiritual nose at someone when i’m too busy brushing the dried dust off myself from when i rolled around in the muddy ditch of sin.
i wouldn’t have it any other way. i’m thankful for that nightmare. i’m thankful for the “me” that i’ve become because of it.
“but by the grace of God I am what I am…”
29 responses so far ↓
Heather // June 30, 2008 at 7:11 am
Girl … it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who walked away! Isn’t it amazing how God woo’s us back … paitently wait’s on us even through the junk we take ourselves through and how he loves us despite ourselves? Sometimes I feel there is no reason he should have taken me back or taken me to begin with …. thankfully, he doesn’t rely on my feelings and instead he relys on the cross and was happy to welcome me home. Like you I’m grateful for the me I am now and the things I learned along the way … I believe it helps me to be real with others and helps me understand a little better how others struggle because it’s not so cookie cutter for me. Thanks for sharing your heart!
Indian Lake Papa // June 30, 2008 at 7:25 am
Godisnowhere !!
Jenny F. // June 30, 2008 at 7:46 am
Thanks for sharing Mandelicious. And thank God for Harriet!
mandythompson // June 30, 2008 at 8:15 am
Heather: no reason - that’s so true! but i think that is what grace is all about. that there’s no reason. it’s just so crazy.
Papa: i had to read that twice!
Jenny: beverly wade - and you’re welcome.
lori // June 30, 2008 at 8:21 am
Mandy thanks for being down, dirty, honest. Struggling with faith is strengthening faith. I’m blessed by your courage, and inspired to continue my own journey out of darkness and into the radiant love from Him. It’s scary sometimes and knowing that you, and others, have found the path gives me hope that I too will find mine.
Victory.
kristiapplesauce // June 30, 2008 at 8:27 am
Oh Mandy. I love you more today. That is just about the most Glorious, God honoring post I have ever read. Thank you for sharing it. I am honored to be on this journey with you. I know that I have said that before, but it is true. It really is an honor to be your friend…and not just in blog world. You are an incredible lady of God. You are an incredible lady period and no matter what tomorrow may bring, I am glad that we have one another to walk together. I am praying for you and for the things to come. May peace reign over you my Friend.
@ngie // June 30, 2008 at 8:33 am
Mandy, bless your brave soul. Your transparency is astounding, you have a beautiful heart.
ang // June 30, 2008 at 8:55 am
Hey girl:)
Loved that post:) True to my heart for sure over the last 6 months:)
Its an amazing experience to see how far you came after you come out of
the wilderness:)
For example, if you saw the LPM blog. You would see Beth ranted and raved over a siesta I met and prayed with during all my mess while I was at the conference. I am greatful to God, because she prayed with me about specific things that were hard to pray about, but I trusted that God brought her there, and I was in such rebel mode when I went to the conference it was a miracle I listened.
For once, it wasn’t all Mama Beth, that prayer time was the turn for me, I am sure of it.
Anyway, God’s grace is sufficient for all of us:)
I love ya girlie:) And I am glad you shared:)
Ang
Heidi // June 30, 2008 at 9:06 am
Beautiful, encouraging, and vulnerable
This phrase stopped me
“shortly after stepping down, i found myself entangled - stuck - addicted - in a mess of sin - the type of sin that is best not mentioned in public.”
I am so grateful that I serve a God that goes past the unmentionable sin, that he sees the heart. Society tends to shun…. But the ALMIGHTY God just begins to do HIS work.
I was also involved in the “unmentionable sin” but I found grace and I found love and most of all I found forgiveness.
Mandy.. love ya, as Kristi said more today than ever.
Doesn’t God rock??????
traciejane // June 30, 2008 at 9:43 am
I always wanted to know this side of you. wow. proud of you for opening up your heart like this.
juliepersinger // June 30, 2008 at 10:06 am
I’ll never understand why God does or allows the things He does, but I know that God is HUGE. I’m proud of you for sharing this, Mandi. I know God has used those experiences to allow you to relate/have compassion for/minster to others, so who knows how He will use it now!
Natalie Witcher // June 30, 2008 at 11:05 am
I realized his unfailing love looking up at him at the bottom of my pit. dang, he’s good. love you
Damon Bland // June 30, 2008 at 12:14 pm
Reading this makes me sad and happy. Regardless of all that was going on, I was truly blessed to know and hang out with you. Wish I could have helped you more, but things seemed to have turned out well. Our weaknesses reveal his strength, and praise God there is no condemnation for those in Christ.
Birgit // June 30, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Thanks for your openness. I really liked the way you dscribed brushing off the dried dust from the muddy ditch of our sin. Isn’t God amazing how He loves us no matter what, and it’s that love that becomes irresistible in drawing us back to Him.
traciejane // June 30, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Ps. Your story is a living testimony of HOPE.
Love you friend.
Becca // June 30, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If you didn’t learn a thing from that period in your life, it wasn’t worth it at all. But you did learn an exuberant amount of things- like God’s faithfulness, and His relentless pursuit of us, and Grace, and that the writers of Hebrews wasn’t talking out of his butt when he wrote that God is our High Priest, who sympathizes with our weaknesses, and that we can boldly approach the throne because of it.
Thank you for stopping and realizing all of that. Never forget all those things, eh? I don’t mean to say never forget the pain inside- but scars do teach us a thing or two.
Thank you for sharing with us.
Paul J. // June 30, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Been there. Still doing that.
Thanks for the openness…
givemejesus // June 30, 2008 at 1:11 pm
Mandy,
I am all too familiar with conditions down in the mosh pit of sin and the feeling of being completely disconnected from God. I also know how much courage it takes to be transparent about those things. We have such a strong desire to look good in the eyes of our peers and hide the darker sides of ourselves out of fear that we will be judged. But, I believe God takes us through those experiences so that we can minister to others still clawing their way out of the pit and we do them a great disservice by keeping our past to ourselves. Kudos to you, girl, for your willingness to keep it real!
traciejane // June 30, 2008 at 1:18 pm
I listened to that song on my way back to work: Acres of Hope… many years later and I can make a connection. What a blessing.
TheNorEaster // June 30, 2008 at 1:18 pm
mandythompson // June 30, 2008 at 2:46 pm
thank you all y’all.
your comments mean so much to me, really.
i love you each!!!
edfromct // June 30, 2008 at 4:56 pm
Thanks Mandy for having the courage to share that moment of pain. I find your blog inspiring because your speak from the heart. I may not believe in God, but I do believe we all need faith. By sharing your faith through your blog you are helping others find their way.
The word faith means different things to different people. However we find our faith it is a journey we all need to take. As your story, and mine, show it can be a hard, painful, journey but so very rewarding when we find what we need.
I love reading your blog, it’s one of the first I read everyday, right after my “Hot Babes” site.
Sarah // June 30, 2008 at 10:40 pm
I don’t have words at the moment. Too many distractions to ponder the words I want to say…but I loved this post.
Michelle // June 30, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Thank you for sharing this part of your story…as real as you’ve been, this makes you even more so.
alece // July 2, 2008 at 11:45 pm
your heart is so beautiful. (and you must have taken a double-dose of your authenticity pill the morning you wrote this.) thank you for this window into … well… you.
you push me to a better woman. a better wife. a better friend. a better follower of Christ.
thank you.
charitymedders // July 5, 2008 at 1:30 am
i just caught up on reading blogs and stumbled on this one….i just want to say I love you! Its not often people are willing to be honest about things…i appreciate you and your honesty….I have always appreciated that about you….loves…
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traciejane // October 13, 2008 at 4:05 pm
This is your testimony. Denominations were put aside yes, but what really matters is that they were replaced with Redeeming Love. Your story revealed is so powerful. So when you are ready I know God will work in it for His glory. Wherever you and Drew go, I think this is your ministry. It’s real. And it has the power to save people.
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