sometimes i fight with myself.
this is one of those times.
you know how in the psalms david kept talking to his insides? like: “be still my soul” or “put your hope in God” or “why so downcast oh my soul? translated = what the heck’s wrong with you?” and stuff like that?
well. this is one of those “what the heck’s wrong with you?” times.
life isn’t all that bad, but it has lingered in the land of mildly difficult for the last little while – coupled with sharp oscillations of the highest excitement and joy. drew and i have faced a continuity of high highs and low lows over the past few months. and, i’m tired. at a time where i was hoping to come up for air, i’m still rolling in the waves. small waves, but even small waves can shake us if our feet aren’t firmly planted.
when things get crazy, i tend to hide.
and, this is one of those times.
you know that story, when Elijah went up against HUNDREDS of prophets of Baal, spent the day working hard with God to do a huge huge thing? then, when it’s all done and you’d think nothing could get him down, Jezebel threatened his life. yeah, that can be scary, but after the day Elijah had, it looks like Jezebel was a small wave, so what’s the big deal? right? even though small, she was still a wave that hit him so hard that he got real low… real down… kinda hopeless. why? my best guess is that he needed to rest.
sometimes i have to remind myself that positive stress and negative stress both affect our body in the same way. getting really really excited about something can do the same things to our bodies as getting really scared or worried. yes, it’s a scientific fact.
i think this might be one of those times.
and, i know this is one of those times when my body and heart is ready to be done with this round – to rest – to recover. i’ve experienced the spectrum of emotions over the last little while and i’m ready to rest.
i’m not hopeless.
i’m not in despair.
i’m just tired.
but, i’m fighting myself this time. i’m fighting the urge to retreat – to curl up inside myself and hide. i’m fighting the urge to simplify my life by minimizing who and what i’m around. i’m fighting the urge to do the “nothing” type of rest – to find ways to escape through TV, noise, solitude, sleep, food, solitude, etc.
i’m tired.
i’m angry.
i’m frustrated.
but i’m not down… i’m not through. i’m not giving up.
i’m still gonna fight this fight.
::
how do you fight? how do you rest?
I can relate. I have been in that spot myself a bit lately. I too am fighting myself, because my natural reaction is to run and hide….isolating from those who know me. I’ve just been ‘down’ a bit. I have felt the wooing of God though to call me out of my isolation. I am slowly peaking my head out of the hole I’ve been in! I pray the same for you! Love you
First, let me say that I could have written that post myself at any point over the past few months. (I’m sure you know what happened; hope so anyway…because I’m sick of explaining the whole dang thing.) But the spiritual exhaustion has been pressing upon me, too, with intolerable weight.
“How I fight?”
Sometimes, that’s just a matter of getting out of bed everyday. I am not kidding. It really is that hard for me sometimes. Small matters end up being neglected, but I know I’m still doing the best I can under the circumstances. And when I get knocked down, it hurts to fall. To fail. To know that under different circumstances or if I were in a different situation then these small things would not be neglected, but done. Eventually, I learned to accept that the fight isn’t just about doing great things or small things, but it’s about everything.
When you’re tired and angry and frustrated–AND I AM–I usually try to steal a moment to compose my head. Or I try to organize things so that when I have the least amount of work to do at work then I have absolutely nothing to do at home–like laundry or cleaning or anything like that.
Or…I just let the earthquake go so the tsunami can hit. It takes an enormous amount of effort to stem the tide than it does let it flow.
There are some fights we can only win when we surrender. I know that now. Do you…?
And you know…I used to read your posts, Mandy, and think, “I need more details. I don’t even know what’s REALLY going on in her life.” And, of course, we seldom exchange e-mail and we’ve never sent instant messages or talked over the phone, but…
…I am so tired and angry and frustrated and exhausted and drained and fed up lately that this is one time I’m relieved you wrote about this–whatever it may be–and left out the details.
“How do I rest?”
Ask me after September 7th. I’m hoping I’ll know what this thing called “rest” is after that date.
Meanwhile…Well, I think I’ve said enough…And I think you know what I’m saying, Sis.
Love you.
i think this is me.
Mandy: Girl you don’t even know how much I echo this!
I went to the beach to walk it yesterday for exactly this reason. After the cable and my phone got cut off I felt as though I was living inside a box, and I was SCREAMING to get out. So I did.
I fight with myself, because the oldself likes to come back into play and target the same emotions…and I hate that, I wish the oldself would just commit suicide and leave me alone!
There are so many things I want to do, and strive to become…but the process is slow.
Also the people in my life, I wish I could just not worry so much about whether or not I annoy them, its hard to be my friend, because I fight with people when they don’t even know it..if that makes sense.
I am just a girl that takes things to heart severly, but God made me that way, so that’s just me.
I guess I’d rather be sensitive then someone who didn’t care…
rest…look at your schedule and cut out what you can cut out…everything that is not absolutely necessary for who God has you to be and what He has you to be doing…saying NO to people and things, no matter how great they are, is hard but it has to be done…blogging???(that will get me in trouble)…also set aside time to unplug from the world…take a beverage of choice, six strings and a pick, maybe a journal…and get away!!!even if it’s just to the room on the other side of the wall…last but definitely not least, set aside time for just you and drew!!!
that’s just my two cents…
seems like everyone is experiencing similar things in life right at this moment…maybe it’s global warming???
I just sat and read the passage you mentioned on You Version. After the episode with Jezebel he retreated…slept and then went and hid/rested in a mountian’s cave. He was like you mentioned…exhausted, frusterated, stressed out…and depressed. Man…I’ve been in that cave. I can relate. I think Elijah even just wanted to die..get it overwith since he knew they were all coming for him anyways. After the word of the Lord came to him….ask him what he was doing…he told him to go up to the mountain top. It says the Lord was passing by…He needed a fresh touch from God. Renewal…to know His time wasn’t up on earth…his ministry was far from ending.
For me…it’s that fresh touch from God. Renewal…time with Him. It’s God saying like he did to Elijah…”what are you doing here?” I think sometimes retreating is good…good if God is involved and in that time with You. Hide in Him.
I’m speaking for myself here….sometimes I just need to stop…read, pray and listen to Him. No matter what you are going through…He has not changed..He is still on the throne. What a comforting thought!
Heather: loveyoutoo. lots
Nor: yes sir. totally get you… hope you survive the next week. stay strong.
Al: i hope not…
LSOF: yes. but i think there’s a balance… that’s another post for another time!
JM: it’s the stupid el nino. and we’re not allowed to have “beverages of choice” on campus….
Jenn: i can’t believe i didn’t mention that whole thing about God sending him away & making him rest… yes yes yes…. i need a vacation.
so go off campus…?
This is great, Mandy.
I think everyone has felt this way. God created rest for us, you know? He doesn’t actually need it … even though He rested on the 7th day. Rest is good, even for God.
Life can definitely be overwhelming at times. One of my favorite restful things to do is read a good story. I’m taken away in the stories of other people, and my heart calmly rises and falls with their adventures. I would not recommend an edge-of-your-seat-gripper-horror novel. That might not do the trick. Either that … or fresh air of some kind. Feel the breeze. Listen to the sounds of God all around – leaves rustling, birds chirping, squirrels scampering … that can be quite restful too. Both together … now, that may be a bit like heaven. 
Yeah – retreating is something I do good.
Good for you stepping up. Push through.
i eat oreos. you think im kidding. but im not.
when things get overwhelming for me. i usually have a good cry. sometimes, i get mad that im crying about it. so that can throw a curve in it….but i snap out of it pretty quick.
ya know…i dont think i “rest” all that often. i really dont. even when im “resting”, or suppose to be resting.
hmmmm
i felt every bit of what you have written here, and i totally understand. when i feel this way, i get very lazy. i feel like i literally CAN’T do anything. even the smallest task feels like something i cannot accomplish.
whatever the purpose for this time is good. listen and be obedient.
it will be well.
“how do you fight? how do you rest?”
The choice is fight or give up and hide. Hiding, which I have tried, does not work. Fighting means accepting pain, no way around it, but it leads to the joy that overcoming brings.
After I have done fighting I try to experience as much joy as I can. If I have any time left over than I rest.
When we are feeling hopeless,in despair and just plain tired, the best suggestion I can make is, don’t go off hiding, go hug someone you love.
After you win your fight against frustration and hopelessness, which you will, go back and hug that person some more.
Hugs, that is all I really got.
{{{Hug}}}
To fight a good fight…I am going to watch some wholesome movies…”The End Of the Spear” and ” Reign on me”….
there that will help:)
[ By the way love the song " Lord, reign in me "}
The theme of waves seem to be going around. I wrote about waves the other day in a post I did.
I guess the important thing to remember is that waves would strengthen the muscles of a swimmer. And only those who God knew needed strengthening and toning or those who were already equipped to handle the waves……those would be the ones who would experience the waves. The rest could sit in the kiddie pool.
Don’t know if that made any sense.
I have longed lately for a calmer sea. Just when I come up for air….here comes another one. The temptation is to get out of the water–run and hide. He won’t let us do that for long…..He’ll send a worm to eat our vine (Jonah).
Sometimes distractions can be good…a little veg time never hurt anyone. But as my Mom says, Sitting and soaking…well, it can lead to souring.
Hold on girl…..there are others out there in the water with you.When you are under water because you got pumeled by a large wave and you are fighting for what seems is your last breath…remember another sister who got hit by the same wave….well, she is praying for you.
We reap what we sow……sow a prayer……get a prayer.
Praying for you.
DON’T GIVE IN!
y’all have really encouraged me today. thank you – for lifting me up with your words and praying for me and for making me feel more “normal” in this!
i can be such a brat sometimes. thank you for letting me whine for a moment.
Thanks for putting words to my/our hearts. Love your heart! Love you! You are too cool for words. When really bummed I look for my cozy blanket, channel surf, and eat chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. Usually a good nights sleep and serious “give it to God” prayer does the trick.
was that whine or wine???
I have definitely been there many times. I have found though that if I don’t stop and rest I will crash and burn and that is not fun for anyone who happens to be around me when that happens. I have learned not to feel guilty about taking “me’ time and if I want to do nothing and watch tv then that is what I do. I just set myself a time limit and go for it, and usually after that time I am good. I fight when I feel that if I stop everything will just totally consume me. I have to fight or I may never get back in the game. It is a balance that I have not achieved but I am working on it!
“when things get crazy, i tend to hide.”
my very first tendency in tough (crazy) situations is to run away and hide. i have always wanted to crawl back inside my bed, pull the covers over my head and hope that when i pull them back off again, one of two things will happen: i will have been magically transported back in time to when i was five and careless or everything will be smooth as…cheesecake (?).
lately…i’ve had those same feelings. but i’ve been forced to be a big girl…to act like an adult and keep on keeping on, even though i don’t want to. it’s been that same tossing about in the waves like you mentioned. and i guess what i’m trying to say is…
you’re not alone. and you probably already know that because you’re not stupid. but if God can strengthen and sustain a pouty thing like myself, i know for sure He’s doing it for you!
Oh Friend, I am sorry. I am praying for you and hope that we can talk soon to clear all this up. Soon. Yeah…that sounds good.
don’t be scared, forever God is faithful… forever God is strong, forever God is with us
like that Hillsong kids song – Forever. hehe 
and one more thing; you shouldn’t worry too much about it, rest your problems in His hands and He will do the rest! Do your part and give Him the rest and be SURE (and patient, too) that He will always strengthen you, through thick and thin!
Have more quiet time with Him, and keep on praying!
Love in Christ,
xx
There must be something in the water. Even though our ‘waters’ are way – far – away from each other. Sometimes, that need to stay in your hidey hole – I call mine “hibernation” – just means we need to take a look at what we’re doing, where we are going next. And I do find that it’s refreshing in the long run even though it seems vaguely depressing when I’m in the middle of it.
You commented wondering if I ever ‘lose my focus’ = Hello! been trying to find it for a couple of weeks.
So what I do is: write a to-do list. How’s that for the retired CPA mommy. I do. To-do lists help me focus (I don’t use them otherwise in my strange rebellious way because my husband likes to put things on there for me
. I feel really good about how much I can get crossed off and it helps me focus.
I’ve also been giving myself time limits on how much I bounce around on the computer – needed to happen.
Hi Mandy
I don’t know about the fighting bit. For the chilling bit I have the hot sand between my toes that you long for and I also enjoy a long, hot bubble bath.
But most of us need more than that when we hit the Kerith Ravine. Recently I came across this – it seemed doable to me. Hope it’s helpful.
How to Spend a Day Alone
Planning a short spiritual retreat.
John Ortberg
I was intimidated the first time I tried spending an entire day in solitude. Putting some structure on the day helps. Here are some suggestions.
Spend a brief time getting ready the night before. Ask God to bless the day, and tell him you want to devote the day to him. This day is your gift to God, but of course even more than that, it is a gift God wants to give to you. What do you need the Lord to give you: A sense of healing and forgiveness? Conviction for an apathetic heart? Compassion? A renewed sense of mission?
Arrange the day around listening to God. Here’s a format I’ve adapted from Glandion Carney’s book The Spiritual Formation Toolkit:
8:00–9:00 a.m.
Prepare your mind and heart, take a walk or do whatever will help you set aside concerns over other tasks. Try to arrange your morning so you can be in silence from when you first wake up.
9:00–11:00 a.m.
Read and meditate on Scripture, taking time to stop and reflect when God seems to be speaking to you through the text.
11:00 a.m.–noon
Write down your responses to what you’ve read. Speak to God about these.
Noon–1:00 p.m.
Lunch and walk, reflecting on the morning.
1:00–2:00 p.m.
Rest or nap.
2:00–3:00 p.m.
Think about goals that emerge from the day.
3:00–4:00 p.m.
Write down these goals and any other thoughts in a journal. You may want to do this in the form of a letter to God.
© 1998 Christianity Today International. This article originally appeared in Leadership journal. For more articles like this one, visit http://www.Leadershipjournal.net.
I’m late on this, always late.
I’ve learned to rest when it feels like I should. I didn’t learn it easily though, He allowed me to totally burn-out first. Don’t let it go that long, Mandy.
Take the time your body, soul, mind and spirit needs.
Love you!
i am new to blogging–and did so because I am so tossed and turned, lonely, and runnning from myself, and turning my shoulder slightly from God, knowing I need to listen to him more, but too tired of trying. I am so sorry I haven’t helped you but I am so refreshed to hear someone honestly say they struggle
Read this just now and thought of you:
2 Corinthians 3:18
Mandy, I fight by retreating in a positive way – by running to God and realizing I need that space in my life to hear from Him. You will note that Elijah ran from the stress and straight into a spiritual showdown with God that defined his life and ministry from then on. I have realized that retreat is a strategy that allows me to re-engage to fight another day more well rested, with a rightened perspective, and a new filling of the Spirit. Retreat allows me to lead out of fullness, and not depletion. This is a very personal issue for me, having had to live through this for the past three years…….I’ve realized now I can’t lead it if I can’t live it.