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Tuesday, Oct. 7th, 2008 – 11:30am
The smell of coffee fills my lungs.
The taste of coffee on my tongue.
Light streams through the window, blue and cold. The warmth of my duster marries the warmth of my drink to push the morning chill away.
Here I sit.
Women chatter. Students study. Men read. Men write.
Here I wait.
The wall is clothed in canvas of someone else’s dreams. Flowers, reeds, oceans, setters, bricks, colors, lines, strokes, moments.
Where are my dreams?
Where are my moments?
They float on the river of sound.
They ride on the rhythmic waves of song.
Here I listen.
I hear the song of the train rushing by. The rhythm thunders and pounds against the building until my chair shakes.
I’m not shaken.
I’m not on that train. I’m not on any train.
My insides rush with the freedom. Pulse. Jump.
Here I race.
Even though I sit still…
Even though I sip slowly…
Here I chase my dream.
::
Your turn. Write now.
October 7th, 2008 3:15 pm
I am happy. Like the “I know I am loved” happy.
My cheeks are flushed.
And the real rest/sleep I got last night is kicking in.
Coffee with a good friend is awaiting me.
Right now… I am happy.
12:26 tuesday afternoon
i just ate lunch. its the first thing ive had all day.
feeling frustrated that almost everything i eat hurts my stomach.
my son is home “sick” from school. kinda puts a damper on my schedule and plans. but i enjoy having him around. just the two of us. he loves to talk to me. i love that.
got a random call from a friend a few moments ago. still laughing about that.
my dog is looking up at me and it really, really bugs me. i dont have anything for you DOG!!!
its cold outside. there has been a constant drizzle, a misty shower, all day.
i have candles lit all over the house. it feels like Fall today.
it smells good in here. like pumpkin spice.
i think im gonna bake and take my neighbors some treats.
WRITE NOW…
…I am going to sleep.
Sitting in my office.
Sounds of speaker phones and conversations bouncing in from outside my door.
Between my fourth and fifth conference call of the day.
Everyone wants something right now.
106 emails in my inbox.
Feeling way behind but decided to take a break and catch up my RSS reader instead.
Maybe why I am behind.
sitting here listening to Dylan color and cut out his pictures. Yes listening b/c he narrates EVERYTHING.
I’m noticing a distinct smell and I just realized I forgot to take out a diaper. I hate when that happens.
I’m tired and sleepy and LAZY today. I want to start the day over.
It’s quiet in the house besides Dylan whispering his commentary to me. Aidan and Owen are napping. Peanut the dog is laying on the top cushion of the couch looking out the window.
Dinner needs to be decided on, which should have been decided this morning, but I’m “off” today.
I’m happy to have gotten a phone call from a “long lost friend” this morning and I can’t wait for Jake to get home to call him back so they can talk too. I keep watching the clock.
Sitting listening to…nothing. Quiet except for the occasional sound of my guys talking in the other room, a truck in the distance, and geese flying overhead. Enjoying the peace…
Feeling accomplished after checking off a couple of big to-do list projects. Excited after a great morning of meetings…
Taking a breather before heading to workout, cook dinner, run my son…these moments are awesome…
I’m wondering about the economy, probably because the news is playing in the background.
I’m working on a picture for a friend. It’s taken quite a long time and I’m not sure it will be liked much…I may just keep it if it doesn’t turn out.
My son is in the sunroom, sick, reading in preparation of an essay.
The fan is whirring, the air conditioner is running and I’m beginning to feel a bit of z chill. That’s good — it’s been hot most of the day.
My daughter just came in from school, bouncing on the bed with the dog…she’s chattering away…I better pay attntion.
Kiss from Phat…mmmmm…
Bye.
Waiting in the hot car because I can’t waste gas and leave it running.
I’m in the school pickup line and I have to arrive so early or else I wait out on the street.
Still waiting. Still hot. Still stuck.
I had too many pita chips at lunch but its my hungry time of the month so what am I going to do. I only feel slightly bad. Mostly just hungry.
All the cool moms jump out of their cars to chat with each other about fund raisers and room mom stuff. I’m not anti-social; I’m just not cool.
Still hot and stuck and waiting.
I have to switch the car on – even if only for a few minutes.
I’m not hot anymore. But I’m still stuck and I’m still not cool.
chillin after work, good coffee, and my blog friends.
wondering if i will ever figure out life,
or is that something I won’t do til heaven…
and then will it even matter.
thoughts today on why do people see negative things first, and much later for the positive…
and is Mandy starting her own on line therapy sessions blog style..
and Sarah Markley is very cool, no one told her..hope she knows.
I just go home form dinner with my grandma
She is one of those women you learn something from every time you are with her
Chicken and dumplings fill my belly
They make me very sleepy
I miss someone that is 5 hours away
It’s a strange feeling, not familiar at all
I have all these thoughts in my head
Wondering how things are going to end
I’m really nervous
I’m really scared
I’m really afraid
I’m really excited
The fan is whirling
Listening to it because it’s the only sound in the room
A cool breeze is on my face
My eyes are heavy
7:38 pm
just put the little one to bed – wondering if she’ll actually stay in bed or if I will hear mysterious banging noises in a few minutes because playing with her kitchen is WAY more fun than bedtime
it’s too quiet here – i have the tv on but wondering if i should turn it off and allow the quiet to settle in. but i don’t feel brave or mentally desirous of deep quiet thoughts right now. tv is easier.
i have some ben and jerry’s fro-yo calling my name from the freezer but i’m trying to hold out until the debate
i’m bored. but i don’t feel like being productive.
richard simmons is on a yoplait commercial – actually made me laugh out loud.
i hope little one falls asleep soon so i can call someone and have some kind of adult conversation . . .
6 pm PST
I just got back from my last class of the day…philosophy discussion. Circular reasoning for 50 minutes…such fun. At least my T/A is delightful…aside from his Angel fan-dom.
I was in a productive mood…then I sat down. It’s gone.
Longing for some real interaction.
Wondering if I’m going out for dinner, or going to munch all night.
I really need to go grocery shopping, but my car is so dang far away.
Can hear the humming of the fan. For the first time today, I’m actually a little cold, and I love it. It’s currently 86 degrees outside. At 6 o’clock.
iTunes is playing: Phil Vassar, currently.
Missing my dog. I had a fish that was my buddy while at school, but a parasite got to him and he died on Sunday. No more animal company while at school.
Seeing people walk around the apartment complex, probably to the shuttles.
Missing someone who is about 70 miles south of here. If I could, I would drive down there tonight. But I guess I’ll just have to wait for the weekend.
Trying to move forward, but realizing I have yet to figure out how.
Exhausted from a long day of travel and then straight to choir practice which I was an hour late for.
Came home and took a long hot shower and got on my computer for the first time all day to catch up on all that I have missed while I was other wise occupied.
TV is on but not really paying much attention to what is on
There are alot of thoughts rolling around in my head and sometimes I just wish that I could just shut my brain off.
8:12pm PST
my mind is blank.
there are brownies on the counter and i really want one. a second one that is.
im ready to sleep already. but trying to write a post for tomorrow. instead im here, with you.
i miss you.
8:22 pm PST
I still haven’t started any of my studying…nearly 3 hours since I got back to my apartment.
I did order myself a pizza, and chatted with my roommate and one of her friends (whom I can NOT remember her name for anything). It was nice to have some real interaction.
But I still long to talk to someone from back home…but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen.
I was planning on watching House at 8, anticipating a new episode. Apparently that has been put off until next week in light of the debate. If the Sox end up playing Tuesday, I might not end up getting to see it at all.
(I know, the important things in life).
The live version of Garth’s “The Thunder Rolls” just came on. I heart this version.
I have a weird numbing sensation across my forehead, bordering on numbing pain.
Time to start studying…
12:18 AM
Everyone is sleeping but me. I should join them. I can hear the rain plinking on the gutter and I want the sound of soft, steady rain to soothe me. Instead, it makes me anxious about my roof. If the wind blows a certain way it will leak. Again.
That blasted roof reminds me too much of last year. All the time, effort and money spent trying to fix it so we could sell the house. We were supposed to move out of state. We didn’t think we would be here now. I didn’t think we would be here now. But everything changed and it was totally out of our control but totally in God’s and I still don’t know why or what to think of it and wonder if I ever will. I just didn’t think it would be like this.
Greg is snoring. I need to get up and turn off the TV. And now I hear a child crying – her throat hurts and there is nothing I can do about it.
Sigh.
I predict
that it will not stop raining today
the steady dripdropshsh
of the cooling, comforting, lifegiving liquid
I predict
that the quiet will soothe me today
the soft whirwhirring of the fans
and the occasional clicketyclick of my fingers on the keys
I predict
that no matter what my life holds today
tomorrow and tomorrow’s tomorrow
God will be there
Write here. Write now. I predict that only God can know.
“You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in Your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.”
Psalm 139:16
The sun is bright but its strength is weak as it strains through the atmosphere at an obtuse angle.
The morning air is crisp to taste, a tingling cold in the warmth of my mouth.
I look for a frost, but the blades of the grass are not covered in the thin sparkle of ice.
This is, not yet, the clear new winter’s morning I long for.
The season mirrors my life. Both near the end of a change. There is the hint of as yet undiscovered pleasure in something new.
I retreat back into the house and head for the study. The cat comes to sit at my feet for warmth and company.
The sun is bright and my strength is great.
It’s 5:48 in the morning (california time)
I just walked in from the beach. I am late and it was windy so I have sand in my hair…
shower and warm up my .89 coffee again.
i need to get the kids to school and off to work before 7 am. it’s a mad rush.
my heart is really heavy today. I’ve been crying most of my beach walk. but I know God is doing something in me
that is absolutely amazing, and I am in the pruning period.
Why is it that pruning become before growth?
i still haven’t figured that out..
one thing that keeps tickling my brain as I sip the last drop of this coffee…
God is so good.. He truly truly completes me.
I just read Tam’s comment…and think I want a brownie, but think back to the financial situation at hand…to have a brownie or have gas money..Hmm…I think I choose the gas money.
My thoughts are quite deep lately, they take on a scene that I haven’t ever experienced before; its as if my thoughts have taken on a new form, as if they stand right before me, and I can visually see what it is I need to accomplish, what it is that I need to prioritize myself with…what it is that will keep me me, but a me that is ” further along, and farther still”(thanks tammy!)
This road I stand on, its rough, and it seems to become more narrow, and apart of me is a little anxious as to what I will encounter later…but for right now, I can look ahead, and see a blue sky.
12:16 p.m.
just got home from orientation for my new job.
really, REALLY sleepy. not much sleep lately at ALL.
marley, my puppy, is snuggled up beside me with her head resting on the keyboard, making it hard for me to type.
i need to fix myself something to eat. but i’m so sleepy.
it’s cloudy outside, and i like it that way.
did i mention i’m sleepy? i wanna pass out, but i think amanda is on the way over.
marley just had a nightmare. she has nightmares sometimes while she’s sleeping… she’ll whine/yelp in her sleep and keep doing it until i touch her. she doesn’t wake up when i touch her, just calms. the power of touch.
it’s super quiet. maybe i’ll put some music on. probably not, though. i’ll probably just keep sitting here, reclined in the sofa, feeling marley breathe.
mandy– ever heard mason jennings?
No… Do I need to?
Yeah, I got nothin.
11:44 AM PST
I’m sitting philosophy lecture…the hardest class for me to pay attention in. So today I brought my laptop.
I can hear the click click clicking of everyone else typing. The professor assumes we’re taking notes…I see facebook, aim, yahoo, cnn…everything but philosophy.
It’s nearly 90 degrees outside…but in here, it’s nice and cool. I’m dreading going outside in 4 minutes when this class is over. But at least lunch is coming.
The guy next to me has no concept of personal space…nor personal hygiene. Is deodorant too much?
My eye has randomly decided to water…I don’t think it’s related to aforementioned stench, but who knows.
well. i think so. but i don’t know anymore if what i like and think you might like is actually stuff you might like. so we’ll see. i just sent you a few of his songs via email.
you’ve gotten more poetic lately. i’m enjoying it.
write now?
the taste of my favorite tea lingers in my mouth; the steaming half-filled cup rests on the table beside my laptop.
i hear the ticking of my kitchen clock, which is odd to me considering it doesn’t even have a second hand.
my heart is heavy from an email i just received from my mom. and i hate the reality of that ongoing mess.
i have stacks surrounding me, all over the table, the kitchen, the house. and i have figurative stacks of things i need to do. i feel overwhelmed.