I just called my mom (11:11am this morning) and asked her what I wanted to be when I grew up. I seriously don’t remember.
She said I wanted to be an Artist. When I thought about it, I wasn’t surprised. She was right. I remember everyone around me expecting me to get a college degree in Visual Arts, even though I decided to go into Sociology. I remember wanting to become a Christian Counselor. I remember pursuing that direction for my life.
So here I sit. Having dropped out of the seminary’s Christian Counseling degree two years ago. And what is it that I’m burning to do? I’m still creating. Now I create music instead of art. But, it all comes from the same part of me.
Here I sit, wanting to get paid to make stuff. Dreaming of being a professional song writer. Thinking about the impossibilities of going back to school for a graphic arts degree. Wondering if anyone will ever even want one of my songs. Bracing to live life like all the other “starving artists” who would rather live off nothing to create all day.
I’d rather “starve” than not create - live off less so I have time to do more. I’m realizing that I wish I did what everyone (including my mom) encouraged me to do. I wish I got that Visual Arts degree back then. At least I might be paid for creating, instead of “starving” because I do.
At the end of the day, this I know: It’s not about the money. It’s about being “me.” At 30 years old, I’m still “me” - the little girl I was back then, wanting to create stuff. I’m just trying to figure out when and why I decided I shouldn’t be… me.
What about you? What about those of you who answered that question in the post below? Why not? Why didn’t you become a firefighter or truck driver or dancer or pom-pom girl? What happened?
PS: We’re not starving. I use this term loosely… Figuratively.
21 responses so far ↓
Becca // November 18, 2008 at 3:33 pm
I’m not sure why a lot of those dreams die. All I know is that when you turn about 12, you realize something about the world around you: people care what you do, people are watching, and you’re watching, and what you do needs to be realistic.
As a pre-teen, you stop pretending. Some stop earlier, and some stop later, but everybody stops pretending at some point, and there is a distinct chasm between when you could play nurse and what you think you do can do. Your invincibility wears off (or you realize it was never there), and the adults around you start to make an impression on you: an impression that you get up and go to work everyday, and it might not be fun, and that’s life for a grown up, and it’s gonna happen to you sooner or later, and the sooner you stop pretending, the sooner you can be a big person.
The problem with those ambitions, is that they got tossed in the garbage of our adolescence because we saw big people weren’t living super hero lives, and we realized that the world is watching, and it’s important what we start doing and saying now.
Think about the story of Peter Pan. He never grew up because he was surrounded by boys, determined to stay “boys” forever.
Sad, eh?
Becca // November 18, 2008 at 3:39 pm
Part II:
I grew up with parents who loved their jobs: My dad is a firefighter (and an electrician, but the first one is wayy more fun to say) and my mom is a nurse. Excitement from their jobs always abounded.
And so every job I’ve ever had since I started working at 18 (pathetic, I know) has needed one requirement for me: it needed to be something I’d enjoy. And I’ve enjoyed every job I’ve ever had.
And I’m pursuing an inter-cultural studies degree and loving it, because I know what I can do with it.
Because I grew up seeing my parents love their jobs, it helped me not to be focused on the money factor but the longevity due to the enjoyment of your job factor.
Thanks Mom and Dad.
ramsey72 // November 18, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I think that at some point I learned that being a truckdriver was beneath me. Yeah, I was somewhat of a snob at times in my life. I also remember wanting to be a professional tennis player or playing basketball at the University of North Carolina but every time I would come up with something I was told that I was not good enough or that it wasn’t possible. I think my family meant well but I think they were afraid that I would try and fail. There have been times in my life that I wish that I had been allowed to fail more as a kid because it might not have rocked my world as hard as it did when I was an adult.
Heidi // November 18, 2008 at 3:47 pm
My mom and dad told me that because I was a girl, I couldn’t be a firefighter.
So that dream disspated.
I’m learning with a daughter and son that are soon graduating from high school, NOT TOO CRUSH their dreams. They can do anything…
mandythompson // November 18, 2008 at 4:23 pm
mmm….
I think Becca and Ramsey are on to something. As we grow up, we see ourselves differently ~ whether it be because we are looking through others’ eyes, or because our own vision has changed. But there comes a moment of inner choice, when we re-define where we’re headed.
Yeah… I think y’all are on to something.
mandythompson // November 18, 2008 at 4:31 pm
H: I”m so glad you didn’t get in the way.
gitz // November 18, 2008 at 4:56 pm
I just about typed that disability stopped me… but it really hasn’t… it’s just changed it. I can’t perform anymore for physical reasons and I can’t work at the magazine anymore either.
But I’m still writing… just a blog but I’m writing. And I paint on canvases. I had to stop scrapbooking because of my hands, so I switched to digital scrapbooking and love it. I go for stretches where I can’t do anything, but as soon as I feel well enough I start again.
It’s not about getting our dreams the way we want them. It’s about being open to seeing how the dreams still manifest.
[for the record... that was about the performing/writing dream... not the nun one ;)]
Roxanne Kristina // November 18, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Keep pursuing your passion. We watched it happen for:
http://roxannekristina.blogspot.com/search/label/Natalie%20Grant
And are watching it happen for:
http://djandjennyvick.blogspot.com/2008/11/shows.html
It will happen for you in your way in your time (God’s way/time).
It is fun watching you in your journey too! Thanks for sharing.
Bless you real good.
R
ramsey72 // November 18, 2008 at 8:31 pm
I still joke that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!
mandythompson // November 18, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Gitz: You changed your name.
Thank you! I like it better. Yes, I noticed… The more I learn about you and your stuff, the more impressed I get. Thank you for sharing with us here…
Ramsey: HEHE Oh girl… Oh girl…
ric booth // November 18, 2008 at 9:11 pm
30 is young! I just recorded some poetry last week. I’ll spend some time getting it together and have a CD sometime next year. 49. First time. You got like a 19 year head start at 30!
brewster // November 18, 2008 at 9:13 pm
LOVE your passion to create. you have to have that type of passion and belief in what you are doing to be successful in anything. Inspiring.
keep creating. dont give up, EVER.
megan // November 19, 2008 at 12:06 am
Well, it was a simple thing, really: being a princess really wasn’t a viable career option.
But, like some others before me have said, my parents taught me that it is incredibly important to find a career doing something that you love. So, I ended up a piano teacher - piano being the only thing I was good at that I liked enough to do for the rest of my life. Sure, it doesn’t pay much, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything else.
…except maybe being a princess.
kristiapplesauce // November 19, 2008 at 8:53 am
Because God got hold of my heart and even though I am not making money at traveling the world, I still get to see it and serve people food which is kinda what flight attendants do…so yay.
Joy Renée // November 19, 2008 at 9:07 am
I wanted to play pro baseball with the men.
I think we can all figure out why that didn’t pan out…
But I also wanted to be a rock star/child actor/olympic gymnast/the first woman president.
I’m still working on the rock star thing…we’ll see bout it/I am an actor (of the stage) who LOOKS like a child (close enough, eh?)/I can kinda do a really good roundoff/I once was Editor of my school newspaper, which has nothing to do with being president, but I obviously have failed at taking that path in life.
But since highschool, I knew that I knew that I knew that my life would be filled with music. I at least had no question about that or about what I HAD to do with my life. By that time, I never even assumed there would be another option for me. Music was already defining me.
I’m like you….I’d rather starve than not create. When I told my grandmother I would be majoring in music in college, she lovingly said to me, “Oh honey, you don’t want to do that. You want to do something smart, like English.”
Luckily it didn’t deter me. Nope, nope.
Looking back, I can see how God shaped my dreams and chiseled them until they were just right for me. Kinda like, he narrowed the spectrum, the focus of my dreams. Art, writing, all of the other things that I had at one time dreamed of doing are all still loves of mine, but as hobbies, and not as true, live it or forget it passions.
Wow. That’s a novel. SORRY!!!!!
heh.
Joy Renée // November 19, 2008 at 9:08 am
Geez………..
I knew it was long…..but I didn’t know it was THAT long.
Shoo– I’m just gonna make that my next post.
robin // November 19, 2008 at 9:15 am
Hi, Mandy.
I wander over to your blog now and then from Rachel Page’s. Thank you for this post. “I’d rather ’starve’ than not create - live off less so I have time to do more.” I’m so there. Here’s a little background on me…there’s a pay off at the end.
Growing up, I wanted to be a rock star. Later, that morphed into wanting to be a songwriter, and that desire stayed with me through college. I started out as an English major with a writing concentration, but I didn’t want to write what my professors wanted me to, so I switched to Christian Formation. It was the right decision for me, totally opened up new passions and changed me in some really incredible ways. But it’s hard not to regret sticking with that initial decision. My senior year, I went to a semester-long music program that grew me a lot as an artist/musician/songwriter. But since I graduated, I’ve been working in secretarial positions which don’t allow me to create anything. It’s been soul-draining, and I haven’t had the creative energy to write. A big part of it is that at work, I’m by myself all day, and writing is generally something I do alone. So if I decide to write, it’s a decision for more time by myself…no thank you!
Pay off: I’ve been tossing around the idea of starting a songwriter’s group. Everyone would write a song per month and get together to share. We would all critique each other’s songs, do some writing exercises, suggest good writing books, maybe get a chance to collaborate a little, maybe go to local open mics together, etc. Lots of possibilities. We would basically start our own little creative community.
I’d don’t know if that’s something you’d be interested in, but I thought I’d throw it out there to see what you think. It’s hard to live in your passions when you have to be a responsible adult, and it’s even harder to do it alone. So maybe some community is what we need to take it to the next level. :o)
mandythompson // November 19, 2008 at 9:26 am
Robin:
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
Sign me up. And I have another name or two to add to the community.
evardeman // November 19, 2008 at 10:34 am
I am what I am now because my dad made me…MADE ME…go to college and get an IT degree because “it was the future”. Both of my parents worked the jobs they did because it’s what paid the most money so they wanted me to have a job that did the same regardless of it being what I wanted to do or not OR if I enjoyed it or not.
I remember when I was really really young I wanted to be a trash man (I don’t know why…probably because they got to stand on the OUTSIDE of the truck while it moved). But at some point when I was younger did I say “MAN, I wanna be an IT project manager”? Nope. I don’t say that now! I don’t remember saying or thinking I wanted to be anything actually. But nobody really dared me to dream like that. I just knew I was always going to have to grow up and get a job. Kinda sad but it’s the truth.
I don’t want to push that kind of life on my children. I want them to be free to live a life that honors God. I just wrote about that in my blog this summer after taking my wife to see “Phantom of The Opera”. I know…strange place for that kind of epiphany. Go check it out when you get a chance and tell me what you think:
http://throwabiggerrock.wordpress.com/2008/07/11/a-life-that-honors-god/
sanityisinsane // November 20, 2008 at 6:30 pm
You are what you let yourself be.
The truth is, we are told all sorts of crap as we “grow up”, some of it we listen too, others we cast aside. I am not talented enough to be the musician, writer, and artist I’d like and earn my keep. But that has no bearing on my ability to be those things.
My career is not “me”, and I’ve let it define me for a long time. No longer, I am a musician, writer and artist and I am always growing in those things.
Be “you”
alece // November 21, 2008 at 3:39 pm
you said you wish you’d gotten that visual arts degree because then at least you’d be getting paid for creating. i couldn’t help but think that while you might be earning for creating you still might not be creating that which makes you happy. in your spare time now, you’re not painting or drawing or designing (in any large scale). your passion is music. song-writing. with a visual arts degree you’d feel pressure to work in that field so that you get paid for what you studied. i think your true passions would have suffered even more.
just a thought.