“People aren’t supposed to mess with perfection like that.”
That’s what my dad said after he saw my nose ring. Could’ve been the nicest thing he’s ever said to me…
Perfection.
I feel like I’ve been striving for it all my life. And I never feel good enough.
Never good enough spiritually, never good enough artistically, never good enough domestically, never good enough relationally.
Never.
Drew wanted to know why I didn’t pursue some of my dreams. What was stopping me? I said it’s that I don’t think I’m good enough to do certain things… Things that I regret not jumping into a LONG time ago… Things that I might not have the time or resources to develop now.
If I can’t develop these things now, then I’m stuck. I’m stuck.
I’m stuck listening to reason. This weird type of reason that tells me I’m not good enough.
I’ve learned to tune it out – deafen the voice with other distractions… I don’t wake up every morning to echoes of self-criticism in my ear. I don’t lose sleep at night running a tally of the day’s regrets and short falls. But, that voice still finds a way to speak. It still whispers, whether it be in my hesitation to record another CD, or my inability to find motivation to pray, or my constant feeling that I’m not good enough for my husband.
Yeah. It still speaks. It still tells me that I’m not perfect.
I wanna tell it to shut up.
But the voice? It sounds so much like my own.
Maybe it is me talking.
Seriously, you have to stop living inside my brain. I so get it. I mean, really get it. My brain has even gone so far that I have not wanted to pray for my self-criticism to improve, because if it did improve I wouldn’t be so hard on myself. And if I’m not hard on myself I wouldn’t be trying hard enough to be good enough and I’d be even less than I am already.
Sound like a confusing circle of over thinking it? That’s because it is. I so get it. And I’m always working on it.
this resonated… like I could have written it myself and not changed a single word.
You hit me square in the heart with this one!
It’s not you. It is the accuser disguised as you. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. You curse yourself when you speak unkindly to or of yourself. Stop.
I appreciate your vulnerability.
I’ve learned a lot about feeling like an inward perfectionist over the last two years. I’m not Martha Stewart, but I “expect” things from myself, things that are unattainable, impractical, improbable–And when I wasn’t doing that, I was comparing myself to those around me, which re-enforced the fact that I sucked at a lot of things in life.
That’s not a good place to end up, because someone will always be better than you at everything- it’s like a never-ending totem pole, kinda.
Don’t you think that voice is fear? I could be wrong. But don’t you think Peter heard that in the boat? Even if it was a fraction of a second? And while on the sea, something inside him whispered, “this isn’t real. You don’t know what you’re doing…” and he fell.
I’m not trying to slip in some religious quip that says everything will be okay if we just don’t give in to that fear…
But maybe the only way a voice that tells us we’re to be perfect goes away is if we pursue things we thought we couldn’t before because of a lack of “perfection”.
Just a thought or two I had rolling in my brain.
Thanks for the comments, y’all….
I’m sad to hear that so many of us understand what I’m talking about. I wish it weren’t so. I wish “perfect love” penetrated me “through and through.”
Becca: I’ve faced a LOT of my fears over the past few years, and I’ve surprised myself… So, yeah, maybe I just need to see what I’m made of.
Why are we like this? I feel like you’ve been reading my mail!
Do you think it’s mostly girls who are this way? Or guys too?
You know I know exactly what you mean.
I don’t want to live in an overly self-critical way like I often have, but I also never want to think I’m good enough for grace. I never want to get over how undeserving I am.
You can do this, Mandy! And the best place to start? It’s saying what you have just said here. Expose the lies of the enemy and walk in the oil of your anointed calling.
You are a blessing!
i couldn’t have written this better myself. it’s like we’re the same person!
hi.
my name is alece.
and i’m far from perfect.
But I think that it’s good not only to expose it here, and to yourself…but to God. I know that you are skerd…but for reals, Mandy…God is waiting for you.
You know, SO much of humanity does feel this way. I wonder where it comes from too!! And for Joy’s question up there – no, I think it attacks men too. In different arenas perhaps, but I definitely think it does. My husband for sure … BIG time. I suspicion that a lot of it comes from things that happened during childhood … and therefore mostly concerns parents. But I don’t know if that’s true 100% of the time. So I don’t know. Good question. And thanks for being vulnerable. : )
oh so good…
oh so hard…
I hear my voice too.
But I know my God is holding me.
I know.
I understand how you feel on this one. I often feel the way you feel. Thanks for sharing.
I totally get this. Yes. However, it is slightly comforting knowing that I am not the only one with regrets, feelings of inadequacy, feeling like I am not living fully, using gifts and abilities, etc, etc! We can be so hard on ourselves, yes?
Only women answered ( till now) interesting….?
I’m here to tell you it is not ONLY women who feel this way – you just feel more comfortable sharing it with others – men often feel weak admitting it and weakness is not something men are ‘supposed’ ( by society) to be.
I have one question for all who feel this way: you do not feel good enough FOR WHO???
i’m sure a lot of you will think that a dumb question – the answer is obvious – ‘for me’. Who else?
Well maybe – just maybe that thought is in your heads because of all those with whom you have formed relationships.
Like Annie i think much of it comes from Childhood – that whether deliberatlely or unintentionally, our parents taught us how to feel inadequate – not good enough, because they were decades older and wiser than us and we had a lot to learn until we could relate to them at the level we longed for.
Then when we grow up we transfer the same anxiety onto our relationships with God – we’ll never be good enough to have an ‘equal relationship with Him..
That was what He put Christ on earth for – to show us all that we could have a fulfilling relationship with Him – we could even become His Bride.
Us weak, small, imperfect humans – He loves us!
Warts and all.
it’s up to us to learn to do likewise – and DO what He wants us to ..
not make excuses – not fail because of the fear ,or it’s ‘too late’ or i should have done/do this…
But face and recognise our fears – accept them and do it anyway – it is ok to try and fail because we are not yet ‘good enough’ – because if we don’t try – we don’t change – we never succeed. we don’t ‘make progress’.
We might not get there as soon as we wish but we are to make progress – don’t let others or yourself be the reason you don’t DO.
As a last thought… i love the beauty of flowers.
God’s Grandest designs of natural variety and beauty – some might say ‘perfection’…
But not one single flower is ever ‘perfect’ – they may look it at first glance but careful introspection with reveal tiny flaws here and there – they might be very small or they may be major enough to ‘spoil’ the look…
But they all do what they were born to do – as best they can – for a very brief time – then they die.
We are not so different to the flowers in those respects – the biggest difference is a flower never stops doing what it is about to become because it fears not being good enough – for someone.
<B
love–you’re so full of wisdom…and love!
When I was young the fear that I wasn’t good enough created a lot of emotional problems. I still sometimes struggle with this today.
Overcoming this fear, not allowing it to control my choices, may be most important thing I have worked at in my life.
Mandy, you have too many people reading your blog, listening to your song, finding inspiration in your words and singing, for you to pay any attention to that voice inside you. That voice doesn’t know what it is talking about.
Why would not believe your family and friends when they tell you what a great person you are, what a great job you are doing?
Maybe we know you better than you do.
You know, Mandy, when you reach a point in your life where realize that there are fewer days ahead of you than there are behind you, you’ll look back on your life and feel all the things you didn’t do. And you’ll feel them every single day. Truth is, it becomes something of a beast. That regret. And you’ll want to tell all the young people to make the most of the time they have because it just doesn’t last very long at all. And you’ll get frustrated because they won’t listen. You’ll see yourself in their eyes. And you’ll hear the same voice you hear now. That you’re not good enough.
So.
“Let me tell you something you already know…”
http://thenoreaster.wordpress.com/2008/12/04/a-storm-is-coming-you-already-know/
Do YOU know what you’re worth? Or are you just waiting for the whole world to be filled with sunshine and rainbows?
(I don’t know if I should submit this or not, but I think I’m going to anyway. And let the readers and the lurkers accept what portions shall apply to them.)
I think the longing for perfection, which I feel day-in-and-day-out, is partly from childhood and partly from eternity.
I think we long for the state of being we lost in the Fall. I think we want that perfect fellowship, such complete, unconditional love…knowing we’re beautiful in His eyes.
We do have it, in Christ; but the flesh still screams, at times.
Unfortunately we all struggle with it on one level or another. *sigh*
In my experience, the voice in my head is someone who played a crucial role in my life. It’s very complicated, and this person never meant harm by it, thought they were doing it out of love….but it’s funny how just a few comments over the years can turn into a lifetime of self criticism.
dang.
dang.
Whew. I’ve been leaving this post unread in my Reader, because I knew I wanted to respond. I knew, just by reading the first few lines, that you were speaking your heart…and mine.
But now that I read your whole post…I just don’t really know what to say. Because I am really dealing with the same stuff. I never suffer from insomnia…but last Saturday I woke up at 3am, thinking about my upcoming birthday and everything I haven’t accomplished, and couldn’t go back to sleep for hours.
And then it didn’t help that our pastor preached about being content on Sunday. Content? How can I be content?!
*sigh* It’s one thing to know the voice is from the enemy. It’s another thing to stop listening.
I’m afraid I have more to think about on this topic. Or, I should say, more to pray about.
Hm.