In Love…
2008 December 14
Is it possible for someone to be in love with two people at the same time?
(Clarification: Don’t worry. I’m only in love with one.)
37 Responses
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Mandy writes music. Mandy leads worship. Mandy loves Drew.
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Nope. Because then one is genuinely not love… it might be lust, it might be passion, it might be an addiction… but since love never fails… you can’t love two people… because then you’ve automatically failed one.
I already am – Jesus and mama. I also love my children and grand children. Maybe we can define love by who we are willing to give our life for – literally. That would be all of the above – would I for Mandy?? I am not sure – but I really think I would! I love you Lady.
Yes.
Wow. I was going to say yes until I read Amy’s answer.
Now I’m not sure.
Yes, because love is a feeling. Commitment is a choice. You can choose to love and commit yourself to one person even though you may have feelings for more than one person. Feelings fade…
Wow. I haven’t considered all of these thoughts before.
Amy: Dang. That’s good. But would you say that this “love” that never fails is a different kind of love from romantic love?
Papa: wow. That’s the sweetest thing!
Irene: I think I’m with you on this one. I think we can be infatuated and/or romantically enamored by more than one person… But there’s the choice and commitment that goes beyond the feeling.
**Maybe Amy’s concept ties in well with Irene’s?
Just a thought… Might need some caffeine to really get through this one!
I’m having caffeine right now, but my head is still spinning. I think yes, but one may wane while the other waxes, so that both are not in full force at the same time.
Also, if we’re talking romantic love, then I would think that if one is loving two people then he or she is not able to love either well.
Maybe that person’s love for self is a little out of balance with his or her love for others?
(i’m just a silent reader today. but i’m here…)
Anita: I’m with you on that inability to love well… totally.
You “Lost” fans must know that this show is precisely the reason I’m asking this question. That show has crawled up inside my brain and taken over.
yesiknowitsfictionkthx
Umidontknow.
“In love” has to refer to the same type of ‘marriage’ love, right? Because clearly we are quite capable of loving more than one person in general. As far as feelings go … I think it is possible to feel the same way (or similar ways) about two people, but … real love is a commitment. And the kind of commitment that a real relationship (IE: marriage) takes is virtually impossible to fulfill to two people at the same time. So … I would say that if a person is feeling as though they love two different people at the same time, it would be necessary for them to evaluate which they could commit to (or even if they could commit). This would likely bring a bit of clarity to the situation. Not that you asked for advice ….
… and I just read your “Lost” memo. :] So I don’t know if my answer even applies.
I think romantic love is different from other types (family, friendship) because there’s something about giving all your heart to one person romantically, which can’t happen when you’re romantically involved with two. However, you can love two children (so I’ve heard) with all your heart. I think it has to do somewhat with the secrets and holding back with romantic situation that don’t really apply in others.
I feel like I just rambled a lot…
i think everyone that is saying no is trying really hard to put love in a box. no offense to anyone at all, and i’m not trying to be argumentative… but i’m not sure love is as simple as a yes or no answer. it’s highly complicated.
best answer i’ve seen so far is that it is indeed possible, but it may not be entirely fair to those you love. meaning, the heart only has so much capacity to love in the “romantic” fashion, and loving two people just means your shortchanging one of them.
but, there’s me trying to put it in a nice convenient little box too.
I think someone that thinks they are in love with 2 people are truly only in love with themselves.
uuuhhhhhhhh
I’m going to say no. I think you can love many, but be IN LOVE with one. To me, in love means commitment and sacrifice and willingness to stick it out through joy and sorrow. In love is something you have to work at to maintain.
I once had a friend who thought she was in love with two people, her husband and a coworker. She felt she was still in love with her husband but her coworker “brought out the best in her.” My answer: asking you to cheat on your husband is not “the best of you.”
My point is that she didn’t love the coworker, she loved how he made her feel. She left her husband for the coworker who eventually cheated on her. No one wanted to put in the work to STAY in love.
Joshua: Nice box, man!
So. Has anyone out there in cyberworld ever been romantically in love with two people at the same time?
Bueller?
Please feel free to comment anonymously. Just let us know.
I mulled over this one after many a Felicity episode. I do think it’s possible to feel “in love” with more than one person. But I would agree with above posts – love is a decision/commitment that requires more than feeling at times.
Thank you so much for your blog, which I’ve really come to appreciate. It’s so important that we continue as a light to the world, especially as Christmas approaches and so many people are more open to hearing about the things of God. Thanks again, Karyn
http://www.christiancupid.com/blog
Okay.
*big deep breath*
When I got engaged I was still slightly in love with a highschool boyfriend, my first REAL love. I had many boyfriends over the years but always ended up back with him. This went on even after highschool. He was comforting. Over the years I always felt a twinge when I would hear about him or from him or even have a thought of him cross my mind. My first year of marriage he called me a lot and was very persistant in seeking my attention. He even went so far as to call me and beg me to leave my husband and marry him. *sigh* And yes, my husband knew about all of this. I put a stop to his phone calls and never spoke to him again until a few years ago. Even now my heart has a “funny” feeling about him….not love…but something. I think I’ve finally figured out what that “something” is. Looking back, it is the feeling of your first love that I missed. There was something about him that had a piece of my heart. Probably b/c I gave him too much of myself.
That experience taught me a lot about God’s plan for marriage and WHY he instructs us to keep ourselves pure until marriage. When I gave myself over to this boyfriend physically, a piece of my heart went as well. I strongly feel that is why, out of all the boys I dated, HE has stuck with me all these years.
Today, I know without a doubt I do NOT love him like I used to, OR like I love my husband. Not in the least. But I can’t honestly say I didn’t love them both at the same time. I had to choose. In the end, you always have to choose.
Now, he is married and has a beautiful daughter. I am very happy for him. He is someone I cared a great deal about, so it makes me happy he was also able to move on.
Wow did I ever ramble. But thank goodness for anonymous commenting!
You could love someone and break up and continue to love or at least have ‘fond’ feelings for that person and the idea that if you ever met up again (and you were both single) it could work. But that moves to a different place in your heart (the fond/happy memories place) so you can love someone new quite completely but it doesnt mean you stop loving the other person.
I think the show is called LOST for a reason…
Sometimes, love and popular culture just don’t get along.
It certainly would be best not to confuse the two.
I think to be able to say if you can love 2 people at once you have to look at what love is. To define a word such as love I think the best place to look for the “definition’ is the Bible. If you look in the Bible the greatest lover it says He gave.
John 3:16- “For God so loved the world that he GAVE his one and only Son,”
God loved the world that he gave.
The definition to love is giving and not expecting anything in return.
Then is it possible to give to more than one person? Yes.
If you can give to more than one person you can love more than one person.
But this is just a small glimpse at love.
Yup. Once upon a time I fell in love with a woman who is not my wife. This “other woman” any myself had an innocent relationship, we never slept together or anything like that. But I am sure of my feelings for her, and know her feelings for me. That being said, we also both realized that we couldn’t pursue it any farther than we already had, we realized we had different paths in front of us at the time (she was married too), and that we could sacrifice everyone else’s feelings just so we could have what we want.
She’s moved away since then, and we remain.. friends isn’t a good enough word. We remain close. But I will say that I definitely felt love, and was in love. I think life, like Josh said, is way more complicated than the little bubbles we live in.
I’m glad I didn’t throw away my marriage. I love my wife very much. I didn’t expect to meet someone who made me question it all, but at the same time this person who made me question everything, also brought parts of me I had suppressed for so long out to the surface, thus making me a better man. My marriage got stronger after this, not worse.
Life is tricky
Good heavens I suck at typing:
“this ‘other woman’ AND myself…”
“and that we COULDN’T sacrifice everyone..”
… trying to hold on with the comments.
Not in the same way. You can love two people in different ways, but when you are “in love” with someone, I think it’s unique to them.
Wow. Wow.
Totally & aNON: thanks so much for your honesty. I didn’t think the unexperienced opinions would get us very far in this discussion.
Totally: I think that lingering attachment often happens when we give ourselves physically to someone else. I think that’s why God intended it all to be bonded in marriage, to one person… He knew what He was talking about. I wish I didn’t understand your story as well as I do.
aNON: Your story really highlights the fact that lasting love is WAY more than just a long-standing infatuation, but has more to do with choice and commitment.
Interesting thoughts, y’all.
Just in case you don’t have enough to think about here, Mandy, I’ll throw my two cents as well.
I think it is possible to love two people at once. There are different types of love. You love your spouse and your parents and your children and your bff and …. well, you get the idea.
But I think your question was meant in reference to “romantic love” specifically.
Again, I will say yes. You can love two people at once. However, and this is big however, at some point you must “choose”. That is one way “love is a choice” comes into play. Once you choose to love one, you let the other go. You proceed with the furthering the relationship you have with one.
When you already have one that you love, and you have married them, a new “potential other” may come along. At that point, it is choice again. You can can choose to keep seeing this new person and pursue a relationship OR you can choose to continue to love your spouse.
If you”fall out of love” with your spouse, then you must remember that love is a choice… you must make an effort to love again.
Love is a feeling, an emotion.
At the same choice.
Love is also a verb, an action.
It is one word, but with different meanings.
Mandy – I agree with you. I think the basis of your question, whether or not it’s possible to love more than one person in a romantic fashion is a definite yes. Based solely on “is it POSSIBLE” then yes, it is possible. A lot of people will never experience it because they are better at putting safe guards in their lives than I, or other people who have experienced it. But yes, ultimately it comes down to a choice.
I mean, I could have chosen a different path. I could have continued to pursue the woman who was not my wife, and who knows… it’s entirely possible that her and I could have lived happily ever after. I chose to honor my marriage because ultimately even though I strayed emotionally and am very, very human… I still chose to honor my original agreement to my wife because ultimately I made that choice first and I don’t get to just sneak out on it because I’m feeling something towards someone else.
Now I’m rambling.
You are right, commitment is crazy-important. But I wouldn’t classify what happened to me as a long-standing infatuation. It was love, I am absolutely sure of it. We were both just reasonable and smart enough to recognize that we couldn’t pursue it any farther. It hurt like hell, but we both came out better people for it in the end.
I can’t speak for the others, but my opinion DOES come from experience. That’s all I’ll say.
L: This discussion is definitely not over. Thanks for chiming in…
aNON: In the past few days, I’ve also thought that if it’s possible to fall in love again (say, after a spouse dies) then it might be possible to love more than one at a time. I think I’m vacillating here and CANNOT make up my mind! But this has been a marvelously insightful thought process… to say the least.
Selena: First hand experience. I think that’s what brings the most insight to this discussion. Thank you…
gues ists about time i foudn out just how forgiving you christians reallly are. i had several afairs with sevearl married women. each time the women were torn between me and thier husgands. they would say i love you and then go home and say the same things to thier husbands. they nevr told me but you just know. like a parnt knows a child is makin gfaces behind ther back. evntualy afterlenarning just how confusing human hear treally is i had not dobut that what they were sayig was true. i becme waht they wanted their marrriages to be, th e romance the passion the feelings and yeah the sex was great. best sex ive ever ahd so sue me at home they had the stabillity of famly and fndancail security. it didnt help wehn i got laid offf and got sick. were it not for time and disantce and children and cancr mahy of htem woudl have left long ago. i know that what idid was wrong. i ond’t need you peple to tell me that. im just aying that yes its possible to love two pepole.. and i know most of you are going to tell me that it wasnt real and that its wasnt good and that it was worng all that but likei siad the human heart is confsuing whats the old sayhing.. walk a mile in my maccosins.. ?
LurkerDude:
Thanks for commenting over here last night… I’m sorry to read your story – read the word “cancer.” It sounds like you’ve faced a lot of pain in the past few years.
Please don’t misunderstand our words around here regarding “forgiving” and such… This discussion was about being romantically in love with more than one person. Yes, marriage and adultery entered into the picture… But that’s part of the story, isn’t it?
As for forgiveness, I know, love, and have served with a number of Christians who have found themselves wrapped up in adultery. I, personally, have done things that would shock this little blog community… Forgiveness is there. For them. For me. And for all of us.
I can’t speak for all Christians around the world, but I can speak for myself. If I didn’t have a forgiving husband and a forgiving God, I probably wouldn’t have life itself right now. Some of us are very forgiving – miraculously forgiving – and I thank God for them.
wow. what a great conversation this has become.
lurker, i couldn’t agree more with what mandy said. it’s unfortunate that we christians are known more for what we’re against than what we’re for. what we’re for is way more important, grace, forgiveness, redemption, love, hope…
aNON, thanks for sharing your story. life certainly is complicated!
I think it’s possible, and I think it dangerous for people to think it’s not.
Only because then the person who is in love with more than one person (assuming the first love is a spouse) won’t distance themselves from the second relationship because they see it as “safe” since you “can’t be in love with two people at the same time.”
I think that this self deception is much more rampant than people realize and it can only lead to sadness if it progresses unchecked.
This isn’t speculation, by the way. I was a first love who became overshadowed by a “harmless” second love.
“I think it dangerous for people to think it’s not. ”
Wise words, Natalie… Thank you for sharing this with us. dang.
In my experience, ‘in love’, no. Love, yes Yes YES. Let’s just say that God called me Ruth and told me to marry Boaz. And I found love. And left ‘in love’ behind.