See? This is how the creative process goes. Write. Then rewrite…
I present a new melody, guitar riff, and slightly modified lyric:
I ain’t got no paycheck
Well ain’t that a crime.
Ain’t got no shoes on my feet
to stop on a dime.
Ain’t got no penny to pinch
& I cain’t even buy time.
I owe the man my right arm.
But he be comin’ for my life.Went to the bankhouse
and stood in line
Tried take out a loan
But all I got was “declined”
They said my credit line was dotted
& I need someone to cosign
Now I still owe the man my right arm.
But he be comin’ for my life.Then I was tryin’ to find some dinner
later that night.
He said he pulled me over
for a busted tail light.
Gotta pay the cop and the car man.
Now I done lost my appetite.
‘Cause I still owe the man my right arm
and he be comin’ for my life.
Sooooooooo much better. Loved it! That’s seriously amazing… you got some talent in you, girl. I love it when I can feel you playing with your vocals like that… seems more fun for you and makes it more fun to hear.
cool cat.
Gitz: Thank you! And you know what? I couldn’t even “nail” the vox like I wanted to. Had to sing in my quiet voice because the neighbors were home. I’m surprised that we can’t hear their tv through the recording!
That’s so funny… I wondered why you weren’t grinding it in a little more (obviously not a technical term…
) but now I know!
I would love to have your ability for a day just to see what it would feel like to create something like that. It must be so fun.
i really really like it, manders. your “riff” in verse 3? my favorite part.
Gitz: kinda like creating a scrapbook page, but with notes instead of colors, and words instead of pictures… But the same mental process. I did visual arts ’til I started writing songs 10 yrs ago. It all feels the same in my head.
Al: Better? Really? YAY!!!
“riff” = great use of guitar-speak! Becca would be proud.
While I was listening I was thinking, “she’s not singing in full voice. Maybe she has to be quiet” then I read your comment to Gitz.
This is great!
I’d LOVE to hear some harmonica in this! I’ve only got a harmonica in C, so I can’t play along to see how it might sound. Dang.
This was highly entertaining. Highly.
(and YES, I was oh-so impressed by “riff”) haha.
I just now listened to the original.
The guitar is way cleaner, and the hammer ons are fantastic. They give the lyrics the right mood.
Good, good!
Entertaining? The song or the process? Strange description, but I’m glad!
As for gtr, I recorded the second version in two tracks, gtr then vox… Probably can account for cleaning it up. And, yeah, TOTALLY not full voice. Somebody stick me in a sound proof room with a microphone and let me at it!!!!!
The process is something I find fascinating. I’m looking at getting this little guy when I have some money (http://www.samsontech.com/products/productpage.cfm?prodID=1916)
But when I said it was entertaining, I suppose I meant the song– The storyline, the chords, the picking. It’s good.
I can’t imagine trying to record needing to have a quiet voice. I’d prefer that soundproof room too!
i wish you had some place to record where you can sing at full volume. i know that would make a huge difference, not just in how it sounds to us but in how you feel about your own work.
oh wait… there’s this coming week.
girl, i am more than thrilled for you. i wish i could hug you. (i’m reunioning with decath tomorrow, and part of me will be wishing you were closer than MA all day!)
and… glad i could impress!
Becca: I know someone who just got one of those little toys. Recorded something and it has a VERY clean sound. It looks really technical, but sounds great.
It’s taken two years for me to get used to singing quietly, but I honestly think I’ve learned a LOT about vocal control and my cords are much healthier… LOL. In some ways, I’m thankful for the silence.
Al: Closer… I know. I’m so excited for YOU as well. Tomorrow will be a great day, I hope. I hope restful and refreshing all at the same time. Decath is low-maintenance, so I’m sure you’ll have a blast! Soak it up.
And you’re right about wanting to sing at full volume. I miss it so much!
I liked it before, but I LOVE the improvements.
Great song. I do like new version better. I look forward to the full volume take.
I agree with Alece that the “riff” does add something.
You are off to a great start to your challenge.
Hope you are having some fun in the process.
Marisa: Thanks! Good to know I have a feel for what makes a bad song better!!
Ed: I’m having more fun than I thought… And I sincerely LOVE the feedback. Always. I like to find out how I can improve. That’s what this whole 100 songs process is about for me. Improvement.
Oh yeah?
It seems like it’s kind of an incredible little invention. Though I’m not technical, and I don’t want to have to get a mixing program (‘cus I’ll get even more confused), so I asked a musical genius friend of mine to look at it and see if it would be a good investment, based on my . . . non-technical abilities. Ha.
I sing from my throat a lot. I know. It’s horrible. Which is why I can’t sing for very long… But I like my throat voice.
Loads better. Something about the first four lines doesn’t really work. Possibly too many syllables for the music…I don’t know…just doesn’t catch me. Second verse it works perfectly. Can’t put my finger on it.
Consider doing the “riff”?? thing again a little at the end of the song? Jazz it up a little before going ‘down’ and soft.
sounds kinda like the story of my life
Listened to it again…needs something…um…I feel shortchanged. Just getting into it and it’s over – another verse? Vamp up the end and mess around with it…? Something.
mandy! (definitely spelt that “mandie” and had to retype it…oops! haha)
i’m liking it.
a lot.
p.s. how many years have you been playing the guitar for?
So randomly, Daniel bought a guitar like 4 years ago, but never plays…so I have been having dreams and for some whacko reason my hands (yes I know this sounds crazy) but my hands are like almost on fire wanting to play…so now I have it sitting across from me. The plan is to teach myself how to play guitar. I will give you an update later.
Louise! I totally agree, especially that it needs something. It’s a surprisingly short song. Full band, I’d put a huge guitar solo between vs 2 & 3. I think that’d give your ear what your looking for… But, about the first 4 lines, well… I’m listening. Not sure what to change. I know the words sound awkward off my tongue bc I’m not yet familiar with my own song. One of the perks of writing on the fly, I guess. Thanks for the feedback! I LOVE it when other ears tell me what sounds bad.
Becca: Go get you some voice lessons, girl. Especially before those vocal cords break!
JC: Bless your heart. Maybe I can also write a verse about how the landlord kicked me outta the house or something like that? eh?
Kristi: OH! OH! OH! I wanna teach you. You move here. Or I move there. And I’ll teach you!!
Mandie: Dang. I can’t do the “ie” thing at the end either. re-write. Ok… Playing for near 12 years now. Since I was 18? Yes. That makes me 30. I know you’re thinkin’ it.
Please pretty please, be my guide. I have no idea where to begin and another day is coming to a close and I am too skerd to pick it up. Maybe tomorrow.
Voice lessons?
NEVER!
It sounds lame, but that would intimidate me. . . singing a capella stuff in front of somebody else. I need my guitar. It’s my security. Ha.
cool song…
just wondering what you use to record with?
Currently using ProTools and a fancy-ish mic… But ProTools is over my head. Makes me crazy frustrated that I don’t know how to “program” all the fun toys it comes with.
I heard they’re kinda tricky
yeah. I’m hoping for a Mac with garageband to dumb-down my recording strategies.
Like the idea of the guitar solo in between. That’ll work NICEly. Still fancy the end vamped a bit. Was disconcerted to find that every time I tried to think of your song yesterday, all I could her in my head was The King. “That’s alright Mama” Go figure.
HAHA! If it’s Elvis, then I’m sure it’s a compliment….? Maybe…?
This is my first attempt at “blues” so I’ll have to do some studying up before trying too much vamping!
I write songs to. Most of them were written 5 yrs. ago. Waiting for God to send the right resources to come along. I am a follower of choicesrmine and I see them in church on sundays.I am new at blogging and dont know how to get followers.
HEY! Robin – thanks for coming by… finding followers is easy and hard all at the same time. Gotta do what you’re doing – wander all over the internet finding like-minded bloggers. connect with them. start a blog roll… make your blog interactive. write short & palatable posts. all that stuff.
“if you write it, they will come!”
for what it’s worth, i thought the emphasis should be on “my” instead of “right” in the “owe the man my right arm” lines…