Can I be a Songwriter?
See, what makes this post hard is that there are things you don’t know:
You don’t know just how deeply I’ve been struggling with purpose since Drew started living his dream at seminary.
You don’t know what happened this past summer that I thought would break me into a million lifeless pieces.
You don’t know the significance of my tiny little act of getting a nose ring. You don’t know the intense and broken conversation I had with Drew that night.
You don’t know.
But what you do know is a lot.
And what I can say is this:
Since we hauled our lives to Boston 2 1/2 years ago, I’ve been a seminary student, I’ve been other (very significant but not quite explainable) things, and I’ve wanted to be other things, and I’ve tried to be other things.
I’m not a seminary student.
And I’m not all the other things, either.
I’ve had to let go of a LOT of identity and wants and dreams and plans over the past few years.
And what I want you to know is this:
Just a few days ago I looked at my husband and told him I was happy with life. That I was satisfied. That I didn’t know how long it would last, but I’ve been happy with life lately. And I hope it lasts. I feel alive. And I think it’s because I’ve once again given myself permission to dive into the one thing that has been like oxygen to me since I was a little girl:
Creativity
I used to draw and paint and design. Now I’m immersed in songwriting.
You’ve watched me raise the bar over the past few months, with crazy goals and challenges. You might be amused, intrigued, inspired, curious.
But me? This isn’t about a hobby. This isn’t about a personal challenge. About whether or not you like my songs. Or if you download any of my music. This is about a personal journey.
I wake up each morning to a question that echoes in the caverns of my being until I fall asleep at night:
Can I really be an artist? Can I really be a songwriter? Can I?
Can I be me?
Am I me?
I think I’m finding myself again.
I wouldn’t begin to know who you are to YOU, but let me say, from my end, what you are is an inspiration! Inspiring others to reach within themselves, dig and find the best that God has to offer. With each song, you do that. Not sure if you know it, but now ya do!
This is exciting to read. ‘Cos the thing is, you ARE an artist, a songwriter.
These are facts; we have the evidence.
Far from being a hobby, this is your LIFE that we all get little snippets of (ok, some get more than snippets
, and I’m thankful you share life with us.
I want to scream on the top of my lungs but it’s only 5:30 am in my apartment.
Hallelujah is what I would scream..
These words will echo in my soul today.
“And I think it’s because I’ve once again given myself permission to dive into the one thing that has been like oxygen to me since I was a little girl:”
I SO DEEPLY needed this post today. You’ll never know how much…
Thank you M!
Love ya!
Dreams usually come with a price tag.
Some pay a truly heavy price for them.
Some pay it and still fail.
Those whose dreams come true will tell you….
it was worth the risk.
i really would not ‘know’ – yet!
My suggestion would be to offer it all to Him – and see just where that leads you!
You’re from the South – yer tougher than you look
<B
Good post! I’ll echo most everyone else’s sentiments. You’ve definitely got the goods.
And like Love said, there’s definitely a sacrifice, a risk, a leap, involved in fulfilling big dreams.
Keep at it. We’re right here with you!
Oh I do love you.
Thanks for this post, Mandy. I really appreciate it. It’s hard to be an artist, a creator, a dreamer of big dreams…those things run so deeply in the fabric of identity. and when you’re in a position where those dreams get sacrificed in support of the plans of someone that you love…purpose and identity become a muddled mess. your words here inspire me and give me hope. keep breathing in that fresh air of creativity. thanks for letting us be a part of the struggle.
I appreciate the transparency of this post, Mandy. Although we haven’t met in person, it’s posts like this that make me feel like we’re friends.
Thanks for being so honest. It’s refreshing.
Thanks for the encouragement, y’all…
And I’m so thankful that this is bringing inspiration and courage to others as well!!!
this IS an exciting post.
amen, sister!
For the most part I have no idea what your are talking about. But I can relate to the whole seminary thing… if only I had the words to explain MINE “seminary” experience. I’m glad you are finding an outlet and yourself. Amen and amen!!
Great post! and believe it or not, I’ve been going through a similar struggle of purpose – (I think I’ve found mine) – and my artwork production has more or less stopped since I’ve started dabbling in music a couple years ago –
As for you being a songwriter, I’d already classify you as one – cuz I’ve heard your songs (the crazy awesomeness you created in just 24 hours) – and all i can say is WOW! I work on songs for weeeeeeks, and they are not even in the same timezone of goodness to what yours are! – I’m happy to hear your finding yourself! that’s always a great time
Darryn: Thank you for taking the time to listen and comment… Do you have a site we can check out?
Jordan: I can HEAR your excitement in that comment.
Thank you!
You know, I think graphic design is my outlet.
Like you, I’ve tried to be a lot of things…I think in elementary school/middle school I probably changed the answer to “What you do wanna be when you grow up?” like 5 times. It’s not only that I would think differently, but I actually tried to do all these different things…art club, chorus, dance class, band, etc. And now I’m trying to teach myself guitar and failing terribly. I see other people who seem to excel at all these things and I’m like, “What am I really supposed to be doing?”
I think graphic design is it. It may not be as deep as songwriting, but it’s my creative outlet indeed.
Have faith that God will fulfill His purpose in you. I’ll be praying for you.
others have said it already here, but…
you are an artist.
you are a songwriter.
and now…
now, youre owning it.
youre dreams, passion, God given talent, gifts and abilities, realized and fleshed out.
you…ARE.
dang. dang. dang.
your
NOT
youre
and i call myself a writer.
Here’s where I may be at an advantage for not having known you that long. I read your title and thought, “Can you be a songwriter? I thought you already were.”
I don’t know all the things you’ve tried to be, but I know who you are now. You are a talented, creative, experimental, open and loving soul who is already a songwriter, because you are an artist.
If someone had asked me what my friend Mandy did before I read this post, I would have simply said you are an artist married to a seminarian.
I’m glad to know that who you are makes you happy.
I tried to be other things, too. Was blessed to find a performance situation I really enjoyed and some time to focus on songwriting as well. You and I are blessed to have spouses that support us as well!
Thanks for the reminder. God bless in your journey!
I’m not sure how you could’ve ever questioned that fact. This is who God created you to be, whether writing songs or whatever avenue that creativity needs to come out for the time being.
I know this, because I, too am a co-creator. We are here to bring to light God’s beauty to a dark world. It’s a high calling and you feel alive because it always has been your purpose.
It is great to read that you are finding your self again, getting your groove back.
You are a good song writer and you have many fans, that’s a fact validated in this blog & our comments.
Since I have been following your blog, and listening to you songs, I didn’t realize that was even a question.
Good luck on your journey of self discovery through your music. I can’t wait to hear your next step on that journey.
Mandy, I love that you are really owning, loving and feeling who YOU are. Like everyone else here, I LOVE who YOU are! And while it just breaks my heart to think of the road you’ve taken to get here (and that’s without KNOWING any of those details!), I LOVE how God has brought you to this place. Love it. Love you.
Mandy,
Great post! We will have to share more one day – both on songwriting and how life shapes us.
In July of 2007 our family endured/went through:
Mini-flood
Fire in the home
My wife and I separating leading to divorce
Major flood that destroyed everything except…
The guitar I now play. A guitar my children purchased for me the father’s day prior with the message – go play your songs.
This past week I played one of my originals at church – the first time I have ever played in church in fact. And it is not a Church song – it is a song about life and getting it wrong.
http://www.matthewmoranonline.com/music/lyrics/2am/
About songwriting – I’ve done it my whole life but now it has become much more than something I do. It sounds cliche but it is something I am as much as anything.
It is both therapy and co-dependence. And I love it.
It sounds like you are in a similar place.
Then… Bon Voyage!
Thank you. Over and over again. I guess this whole post and questions are surprising to y’all, because you haven’t known the flip side…
But then again, some of you who’ve commented right here have known the flipside and say I’m silly to question…
gotta think about that.
this reminds me of how much i love you. i’ve been on some of the flip side, and have journeyed some of this with you. (and oh my cow, i miss you…) and i am excited to see your contentment, joy, discovery of yourself.
i’ve loved you since i met you (and i don’t mean reunion-meet), and, friend? i’m proud of you. simply for who you are.
I would really love to know the story behind the nose ring. You know my story. Is it similar?
WOW! That is awesome. You are awesome. You are so inspiring and has a heart that is completely beautiful. Keep after it girl. What a blessing you are.
okay so i’m really behind on the blogging thing and i hopped over to sweet shelly’s and almost wet my pants laughing at your video (all though you made her cry) and then i hop over here and read you precious post and i start to tear up because girl what a joy and honor we have to get to hear your heartbeat and your love of Jesus through your words.
So excited for you!!
Al: You do know me well, friend…
Meg! Sorry to make you cry twice in one day – this could be a personal record for me… :-/
Tam? you are right the fist time – ‘you’re’
You only think you are not a writer sometimes and put yourself down way more than you ever should.
You’re = you are
‘Now you are owning it’
Right FIRST time
Your welcome
<B
Dang!;-)
<B
DOUBLE Dang !!!
you meant the SECOND ‘youre’, huh?
Shoot!
Maybe we should both just find a decent grammar checker huh?
<B
Love your personality and your honesty – without letting everyone know exactly what each struggle is (I would compare to Beth Moore who reveals some of her struggles but not all the details – if that’s ok).
The beauty of it all is that you know WHO to look toward in finding yourself. He gave you some beautiful gifts and thanks for sharing.
me too.
sounds to me like youre living a time of honing…i love that word…it means(to me)sharpening your skills, focusing, learning, getting to the heart of who you are gifted to be…it’s calling to you, I think you hear it. Be sure to stop and listen.
blessings to you mandy~
Holy crap Mandy. Thank you for your courageous heart. I am in awe of your faithful pursuit of all that God has for you and for your beautiful life. Thank you for sharing it. I love that I get to be a small part of it. So honored. Thank you thank you.