See, what makes this post hard is that there are things you don’t know:

You don’t know just how deeply I’ve been struggling with purpose since Drew started living his dream at seminary.

You don’t know what happened this past summer that I thought would break me into a million lifeless pieces.

You don’t know the significance of my tiny little act of getting a nose ring. You don’t know the intense and broken conversation I had with Drew that night.

You don’t know.

But what you do know is a lot.

And what I can say is this:

Since we hauled our lives to Boston 2 1/2 years ago, I’ve been a seminary student, I’ve been other (very significant but not quite explainable) things, and I’ve wanted to be other things, and I’ve tried to be other things.

I’m not a seminary student.

And I’m not all the other things, either.

I’ve had to let go of a LOT of identity and wants and dreams and plans over the past few years.

And what I want you to know is this:

Just a few days ago I looked at my husband and told him I was happy with life. That I was satisfied. That I didn’t know how long it would last, but I’ve been happy with life lately. And I hope it lasts. I feel alive. And I think it’s because I’ve once again given myself permission to dive into the one thing that has been like oxygen to me since I was a little girl:

Creativity

I used to draw and paint and design. Now I’m immersed in songwriting.

You’ve watched me raise the bar over the past few months, with crazy goals and challenges. You might be amused, intrigued, inspired, curious.

But me? This isn’t about a hobby. This isn’t about a personal challenge. About whether or not you like my songs. Or if you download any of my music. This is about a personal journey.

I wake up each morning to a question that echoes in the caverns of my being until I fall asleep at night:

Can I really be an artist? Can I really be a songwriter? Can I?

Can I be me?

Am I me?

I think I’m finding myself again.

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10 points about 5 to 5:

1) 7 songs (24:60 mins) in 24 hours. I barely maybe kinda reached my goal.

2) This was such an incredibly difficult mind game.

3) As soon as I finished one song, I panicked over what to write next… But the song came within minutes.

4) By the time the project was complete, my mind melted into a pool of mind mud and I woke up not knowing what day it was.

5) I won’t bore you with the exhaustive list of things I’d change in each song, if I had the time.

6) I don’t know if I will ever do a project like that again.

7) Thank you SO much for your suggestions! I used a lot of them. A lot. If you listen closely, you’ll hear them.

8) Drew helped me with “Hector Hector” – so, you have him to thank.

9) “Out of Here” – came the closest to being what I wanted it to be. Note: it’s about being imprisoned in sex slavery…

10) And, according to the rules at Album-a-Day, you can get the album for free download here. Click [mp3] to download and [+] to see lyrics. I’d love to hear what you think!