The girls want to know about cohabitation
I thought I had “the talk” in the bag… Things were going great. We even talked about some of your answers. They laughed. They were dead-on with their thoughts. I was so proud. And they were honest. And they asked questions.
But, then, it happened. The moment I didn’t see coming. At all.
They asked me if it was ok to live with your boyfriend, as long as you don’t have sex.
uh. um… uhh… well.
No.
It’s dumb. You are putting yourself under too much temptation and it…
um. … and it messes with your emotions because you shouldn’t play house with a boy if he isn’t committed and married to you.
Yeah.
And, oh yeah – also, because I said so.
Disclaimer: I don’t see any of my girls deciding to cohabitate, but they made it clear that they have friends that do. So, it’s in their face. And it seems to be the normal progression of today’s dating relationship: date, have sex, move in, get engaged, get married.
Anyway. Yeah. HELP! What would YOU say to them?!
It’s a quagmire. And I don’t mean the perv from Family Guy.
Cohabitating (in almost every cases) does involve sex. Nobody (and by nobody I mean just about everybody) can live under the same roof with someone of the opposite sex that they are attracted to and not, at the very least, have sex with them in their minds.
Jesus says if you think about having an adulterous affair with someone you’ve already done it.
2 people shacking up without shacking up is probably the exception.
I wouldn’t trust myself for 3 minutes in that situation.
Why would anyone WANT to put themselves through the agony of overcoming that temptation for 5 minutes until they give in?
Because they will. Give in, that is.
I don’t think there is 1 rational argument for cohabitation with the person you are “going to marry one day.”
As a recovering member of the “all men are dogs” society, let me say that cohabitation discourages “men” from owning up to responsibility. Seriously ladies why would you want to start a relationship with a “man” who will not make a commitment? That type of “man” is not worth your time, and you deserve better!
Commitment is the backbone of every relationship, especially marriage! A “man” who doesn’t have the backbone to make a real commitment to you, isn’t much of a man after all! Chances are (statistically speaking) that a relationship that begins with cohabitation won’t last … you deserve better!
“playing house” is like “playing with matches in a hay loft”
combustible!
Jack: All FORMER-members of the “men are dogs” society are welcome here!
agree with everyone here. If you’re committed to not having sex before marriage then don’t put yourself in a situation where the temptation is there.
I’m sure some people would claim they are strong enough to do it, but I doubt it very much.
In the words of Yoda, “Cohabitation leads to intimate thoughts; intimate thoughts lead to sharing a bed; sharing a bed leads to sex.” (I can’t remember which film it was, but I’m sure he said it.
)
I’m reminded again of Paul’s statement about the goodness of singleness. Our time is NOT divided between God AND (fill in the blank). Co-habitation, whether it results in sex which is a must if the couple is actually a couple and somewhat attracted to each other, is a way of robbing God of your singlemindedness before marriage and robbing your marriage of singleheartedness once you enter into it.
Plus, The law of diminishing returns says that no guy or girl is gonna be fine with just sucking face for months on end when they are totally alone in THEIR place.
Their friends are doing it b/c their friends have bought into a view of God, marriage, singleness, etc that is a fallacy, made-up, temporal, of this world, and in the end, deadly. They’ve believed the lie that God doesn’t know best, that His ways are out of date, and that He doesn’t really want the best for them. How sad for them.
Your reasons were perfect, Mandy, even if they caught you off guard. If I’d lived with my husband before we got married, there’s no way I could have handled the temptation or the emotional craziness of that arrangement without the security of the marriage bond. No way.
Ugh! Not looking forward to having this conversation. Mostly because my dh and I DID live together before we got married. We’re cool now, but I think it caused a bunch of problems early in our marriage. I think living together before marriage devalues the sanctity of marriage if and when you decide to make the committment. The first year of marriage is hard enough. Everyone should go into it with a feeling of excitement and anticipation, not “Yeah. Been there. Done that.”
go ahead and climb over that grand canyon park ranger’s little safety rail… see how close you can get to the edge.
i’ll be right back. i’m going to get the first aid kit and call the med-evac helicopter.
(seriously, a. is it worth the unnecessary risk of temptation? & b. what does this do to your ability to influence others -what some would call ‘your christian witness’?)
Josh: Do I hear a hint of sarcasm in your tone?
Kat: Thanks for being honest. It’s good to hear from someone who’s “been there” that it ain’t such a great idea…
I too am a recovering member of the “all men are dogs” society. Being a guy, I know what if we aren’t careful our minds tend to end eup thinking about. Its just how we’re wired, sex is something we think about ALL THE TIME if we don’t learn to control it. That being said If I were to live together with a girlfriend there’s no way I’d be able to resist the temptation, I doubt any guy would.
Ladies; don’t put yourself into that kind of situation, its probably not going to end well.
i agree with most of what everyone else said. and i would probably say just about what you said….with less um’s.
[insert winky face to insure you of my light-heartedness in above comment]
there.
Thanks for the wink, because I almost started crying.
back at ya
Did you tell ‘em it would take about approximately 10 seconds to move into a sexual relationship if they hadn’t before they moved in
together?
Waiting to live together until you’re married is HARD. Sometimes it doesn’t make the most sense, financially.
But choosing to wait is a way for you to choose to honor God. You demonstrate that you are willing to sacrifice your own desires for His. It’s not easy. But that’s what makes it so meaningful.
If it was easy to wait it wouldn’t mean anything.
I agree with what most of you are saying. If you don’t set up boundaries, you won’t be able to resist. When you’re living in the same house/apartment/whatever, you’re taking down those boundaries.
In that situation, I can’t imagine not giving in. It was hard enough sitting in the car together in a dark, desolate spot.
I know why we want to test the boundaries, but we’re not as strong as we like to think we are.
My husband and I made the incredibly tough choice to not live together or sleep over until we were married.
AND IT SUCKED. Seriously.
I would drive home late and feel lame (nobody’s watching! Nothing’s going to happen! Who cares?!) and we both struggled with boundaries, especially once we were engaged and knew we were going to be together.
However, waiting made the experience of being married and living together like Christmas morning every day. We still are so excited to get to share all of life together so fully – with no hang-ups, insecurities or what-ifs.
It’s a really tough decision, especially in a culture where the “wait” voice is small and drowned out. But good marriages and healthy love speak louder than any amount of preaching.
It has to be impossible Not to have sex.
But, I think your point about playing house is a very good one. Why are you moving in together and not getting married anyway? Some people move in with each other because the guy is ready for more, but not yet ready for I do. What if he is never ready.
The progression that the world uses to decide if you should marry is date, move in, then after a lot of time you can get married. But, you can know somewhat early in a relationship if you pray. I know someone who dated a guy for 4 years and lived with him a year. She was doing the typical world system of really make sure before you married. They got married and a couple months later divorced. This system doesn’t work. You have to know who you are and what God’s Word says about a husband. Then when you meet someone you start to pray. Then when you hear he is the one and he is on the same page time for marriage.
Also, my husband once did a progression of dating then living together. She was not the one and since they were together so long and live together that scar ran very deep.
I think if you really seek the Lord and when dating keep your heart with God and not give it away until His appointed time, then you can avoid a lot of hurt. If you are not married it is not guaranteed forever.
Samantha: Thanks for telling us the pain that can come from it… I think it’s hard for them to see the flipside, when culture seems to fully support this progression. Nobody’s making movies and TV shows about the pain that’s involved….
Dude. We’re soul mates.
Thanks for stopping by my page.
Re: the cohabitation debate – it’s like dieting in a room full of McNuggets, Snickers (king size, not fun sized or even standard), Coca-Cola and curly fries. You willingly set yourself up to fail if you are looking to maintain a right (before the Lord, not NBC) lifestyle.
Unless you have some super power living together means sex.
I have lived with four women and never got married. Since none of these relationships lasted that may be a good example of why co-habiting may not be a good idea, at least if you expect it to last.
I do knew several couples who have lived together for more than 10 years, never got married, and have children. It seems to work for them.
I am an atheist, but if I was a Christian than I would use church doctrine and passages in the Bible to show how it is wrong, at least in God’s eyes.
Mandy, better study up on your Bible before your next session.
I didn’t comment on the last blog entry about this, but felt that I should do so now…
(I’m a college (single) female, so I TOTALLY relate to the topics you all are discussing!) Cohabitation is a BIG, FAT NO! Why? Well a few reasons… one it gives the APPEARANCE of evil—even if you aren’t having sex—others will not know what doesn’t happen behind closed doors. This appearance can (and I believe 99.9% of the time WILL) compromise your witness. The Bible says to FLEE from even the appearance of sin, and so that should be enough. But I know it’s not!
In addition, cohabitation does not protect the heart. The heart is the WELL-SPRING of life, and God commands us to guard this! Song of Solomon charges people to “not arouse love before the due time”. This mandate is found NUMEROUS times in the book, highlighting the importance of the command. Living together before marriage (even if you have the self-control of 1,000 nuns and aren’t engaging in sexual impurity) arouses love in both the physical and emotional sense. (WARNING: I’m about to be blunt!) In this sex saturated world it’s hard enough to not ‘appease’ your desires while living alone. I cannot imagine the how dangerous it would be to know that the person I LOVE and am turned on by is nekked in the next room. Even if I didn’t physically sin… my mind sure wouldn’t be thinking sanctified thoughts.
Can you tell that God’s dealing with me on living a life of purity?!
Keep preaching truth, Mandy! I wish I was in your group. <3
It seems to me that it doesn’t even have to be about with sex although I am sure that will eventually become a problem. When I think about living together or spending the night or even taking naps together what starts to happen is “familiar”. Some of the most tender and intimate moments of my relationship with my husband happened before we were married (not sex) but because I was too stupid to keep those moments protected. I allowed him to see me without makeup or when I was sleepy. He saw me in early and late. I didn’t hold much back and yeah, I can say that I held “that” back but really…really I think that those sweet and tender and fascinating moments are the times that we grow and learn and experience each other and “become one”. Not just during intercourse. At least it is for my husband and I and it kinda sucks that we crossed some of those lines before we got married because I was too lazy to go home when it was 10:00 rather then 11:30 or because I washed my face and got comfortable while watching a movie in pajamas. No. No, I don’t think that is wise. Those moments are meant for closed doors and there aren’t many when you are living with somebody…even if intercourse isn’t involved.
Steph: Thanks for being so honest. You brought layers into this that I didn’t stop to consider. But it’s true – VERY true… Thank you.
I think the #1 solution is – stay close to GOD – now!
Run from any appearance of evil – now!
How are they doing dating – now!
I guess the key word is “now” – what are they doing with sex temptations – now?
A few thoughts.
I adored the time my husband and I had at the beginning of our marriage learning how to live together! I even refused to unpack anything new that we had received as shower gifts, because I didn’t want to use anything that was meant for both of us, while I lived in our apartment alone before we got married. Nor would I sleep in our (completely unmade) bed. (That was a little extreme, I know!) Anyway, it was a sacred time in life. Just the two of us, learning how to sacrifice, prefer the other over ourself and honor one another. I couldn’t imagine doing that without the covenant. I love that we got to experience those things only with each other.
I think you did well considering that you were caught off guard.
I think that for one, it gives the appearance of evil. No one else knows what goes on behind closed doors, besides you & God. In addition, I don’t think it is wise at all. Even if you think you have enough will power, living with someone means that you will have to fight that every single night. And it’s not just the bed. There are plenty more opportunities throughout the day to succumb to the pressure. What about while one is showering, or getting ready? These are also things that you shouldn’t be seeing before marriage, but are closer to being within reach if you live together. Just my two-cents.
HAY-ul no.
Any questions?
LOVE all the thoughts here. Can’t add.