Do we all fall?
On my way home from work yesterday, I was thinking of how small our seminary community is, but how often people seem to meet “the one” here…
Then I started thinking about that highly emotional state called “infatuation” or “falling in love” – and then I started thinking about how it seems to be a cultural norm in our society.
Then I started thinking about those little tribes of people huddled in huts and stuff, and whether or not they “fell in love” or just had to marry the only post-pubescent non-relative within a ten mile radius.
And then I started thinking about arranged marriages, and started remembering some of the stories that my older South Korean friend told me last year.
Then I started wondering: Do we all fall in love? Do we all, at one time or another, get that warm fuzzy feeling? Is this a requirement for the “happily ever after” marriages?
My guess is no. And, honestly, you single people should be relieved to know this. Because, here’s a little secret: the warm fuzzy feeling doesn’t last. But somehow marriages still last, beyond the heart palpitations and sweaty palms.
And I think that’s what true love is all about.
And I think the hut-people, and the arranged-marriage-people, and the sweaty-palm-people, can all get to that kind of lasting love.
What do you think?
I think that you are right!!
I think you’re right, even though it bums me out. But the part of me that feels that way is the same part that loves watching chick flicks and reading romance novels. So take it for what it’s worth.
I met my husband when I was 15, so I definitely felt all sorts of silly things. But today? The REAL love we share? It has very little to do with hormones and romance and all that gooey stuff. And it’s sooooo much better.
I think I spent lots of time searching for the woman who gave me the “warm and fuzzies” every time we were together. ANNNND I married her. I get that feeling at least once a day and although my love wouldn’t stop if I woke up one day and it was gone, but I’d be shocked.
I can’t speak for anyone, but me, but I can’t imagine never having that feeling. Really, don’t we all??
Honestly, Toby. I don’t think every human being gets that feeling. I really really don’t.
my dad told me something on monday (in the context of passion as it relates to God but using marriage as an analogy).
he said that if he and my mother ONLY had the same passion and connections to each other NOW (after 39 years) that they had when they were 22 years old, that it wouldn’t be enough.
love, passion, connection, they all grow and evolove and GROW UP into different beasts than when they begin. it has to be that way for it to survive.
i agree. a marriage has to have more than sweaty palms for it to last.
Sarah hit it perfectly!!!!
Love is a choice not a feeing… that is biblical truth explained best by God and second best by CS Lewis in his book Mere Christianity.
But the feeling of flling in love is remarkable, unexplainable and I wish it upon everyone.
I also wish that everyone that made a commitment, a choice, to love kept it.
love the post–how long was your drive?
Two minutes.
The whole thought process only took about 20 seconds though. Does that make me crazy?
and if the warm fuzzies don’t last for Mandy (a woman married to the hottest man on the planet), then we know this is truth.
Amen, brother. Amen.
I’m twenty years into a marriage, and I happen to really enjoy the warm fuzzy feelin’. I don’t have it all the time, yet I realize mostly it comes down to my attitude. I somehow have never found it when I’m:
1. micromanaging our fam around my husband
2. critical of my man’s every move or breath
3. self exulting ex.”I would never do it that way…”
I find that lovin’ feelin’ so easily when I examine the reality of how my husband lays down his self, his life on behalf of myself and his family each and every day.
I agree the warm fuzzy’s disappear for the most part, although they do resurface after a long separation. Starting our 16th year I have to say that it really is about the commitment, because there are times we have both wanted to give up. Yet the commitment kept us “through it all” as the old hymn says.
Love without commitment is selfish and best described in 1 Cor. 13. Anyone who says they love you, but will not make a commitment is a liar!
Study on Foxnews website today says it takes 8.2 seconds to fall in Love, so that settles it! Guess I was wrong.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,510465,00.html
HA! I just read the article. I’m sure they’re leaning much more in the direction of infatuation, not the kind of lasting love we’re talking about…
I’m missing the pre-requisite for this conversation. Cuz as much as I fawn over him, I just don’t love my dog that much…
I’m an idealist and a romantic. Which means I want the whole enchilada when it comes to relationships/marriage, including sweaty palms and skipping heart beats every now and then. I realize warm fuzzies are fickle and will sometimes disappear for a time. That’s cool. There’s so much more to marriage than that. But I believe we’re missing out on part of the masterpiece in their absence, as if a color was left off the palate. That’s when relationship becomes merely an arrangement.
Committed no matter what, but shooting for the stars.
Here’s to colors, Michele! Thanks for stopping by.
I think that if you are in love, at some point you will get a sort of fuzzy feeling. Say you had an arranged marriage, that doesn’t mean there can’t be love, but it will take time. I don’t feel the same exact way I did about my husband as I did 7 years, but sometimes I can get the warm fuzzy feeling again. So I don’t know that is just my personal experience.
Samantha: My South Korean friend told me about how her friend learned to deeply love her husband, through the years of an arranged marriage. It was quite a series of conversations!
So I’m confused, and slightly sad… hopefully with some clarification I’ll feel better.
(Also, to preface my questiions: I’ve never fallen in love/been in love.)
Are you all saying that ROMANCE dies? If so…….. gah. The way I’ve understood (marital) love is that in the beginning you ‘love’ because of the butterflies, but when the infatuation disappears you love them even when the butterflies aren’t fluttering. But does that mean that the butterflies leave????
True love (1 Cor. 13) means you are with that person no matter what… But, should we (single people) give up on ‘falling in love’, and rather just expect to really like someone and have it turn into love? Are you guys not attracted to your spouse anymore? (OH! And I so get the whole sacrifice aspect of marriage, and the hard work that goes into it…)
Help!
S.
Thank you for your honest question here – they are always welcome! There are moments when I get giddy over my man. There are. But it’s not like when we first dated and I was nervous all the time and sweaty and excited. It’s a more chill, settled, quiet kind of love.
Tuesday nights are our date nights – just the two of us. And we usually do something together on the weekends as well. I oftentimes get silly thinking about spending a few uninterrupted hours with him. Sometimes we will be away from each other for a week or so, and I do actually get butterflies over seeing him again. He’s my favorite person! And, well, flirt-texting is one of my favorite things to do, especially when he’s teaching at the local college where all the young ladies think he’s hot. Don’t think I’m not texting my man to death during those days! (wink wink)
Yes. There are moments of excited love. But they aren’t as constant as the infatuation days. I kinda like it better this way – it’s comfortable. familiar. steady. secure. genuine.
And, trust me when I say this>> he is HOTTER now than he was when I fell in love with him. OH GIRL.
Does this help? Any other questions on this? fire away.
Well, I feel slightly better!
It makes me so very, very happy to hear about married couples who still WANT to be together. Every successful marriage makes my heart sing, which is why your post made me nervous. But, I think I get it a little more now…
I’m thinking… once you get over the ’sweaty part’ of being attracted you have to work harder for the spark to stay alive. But, it’s in that work, in the effort that your relationship is enhanced. The part of marriage/love where you have to give up your selfish desires and PREFER your spouse is hard, but it creates a deeper connection/appreciation in the relationship (something not a part of the infatuation phase). Is this even close to right?Do you appreciate who your husband is more than you did while dating?
Also, the fact that your husband is getting hotter just takes the cake. That’s just what I needed to hear.
Honey, I totally utterly and completely appreciate him more now than I did when we were dating. Why? Because I know him even better now. Amidst all the flaws (yes, we all have them) he is one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met. Talented. Handsome. Committed. Serving. Sacrificing. Encouraging. Loyal. Dependable. Honest. Humble. dang if I’m crying just typing this. And I honestly don’t deserve him. The more I get to know him, the more I love him. The more I prefer him. The more I want him. And the more I wonder why in the world he picked me. Still crying.
I wanted to speak to this… to the part that mentions giving up selfish desires. Just this past weekend I told a friend something that my mentor once told me: “You’ll die a 1,000 deaths in marriage.” Meaning, you’ll die to yourself and your wishes over and over again. This is partially true. But if I didn’t want it for him, then I wouldn’t do it, right? My wants for him sometimes supersede my wants for myself.
Case in point: moving to Boston (1,000 miles from home and everything I knew) for him to attend seminary. Yes, I love him that much. And he has laid down his life by working part time in order to make some $$ – so I don’t have to work full time – so I can have time to lead worship, hang out with friends, write songs, etc. We sacrifice for one another because we truly WANT what is best for the other. That’s not hard. That’s easy.
Along those lines, we try to approach disagreements with the attitude that if one of us “loses” then our marriage loses. We both want what’s best for our marriage – and, even though we can’t both have it our way all the time – we try to work for a solution that allows our “marriage” to win. I can’t even get into the details of this, but we’ve made some pretty creative decisions in the past few years in order for both of us to be happy. Or, in order for neither of us to be totally miserable. It doesn’t always work, but when it does, we take that route.
I know this is about Drew. But I wanted you to know when reading this I got a beautiful visual of how much God loves you. Wow.
i just hope i get to one day experience it to come to a conclusion.
I tried to think of something wise to say about this, but I came up empty (what can I say, I’m 20!). The one thing I kept thinking, though, was that all relationships are different, so I don’t think we can really generalize such a personal thing.
I agree with you Mandy, I do not believe everyone experiences those kind of feelings either. But you know, I think we can ask for them. I married my husband because I had that safe, secure love with him, not the heart stopping warm fuzzies. (Those situations hadn’t worked out so great for me) But after we were married about 7 years, I was watching him mow the lawn and I felt that way. I have them more now than I ever did when we were first married. I think God is blessing our marriage in that way. He is good like that.:)
TAWNY!
THAT IS AWESOME!!
I didn’t have the typical whirlwind romance typical of most people I know before getting married. That’s not to say that I’ve never had that. But Charlie and I had more of an ease together than anything. Oh, sure I thought about him all the time and wanted to be with him all the time….but it wasn’t marked by the euphoria you think about when you see movies and stuff.
That first love feeling has to mature and in the maturing, it seems like it’s gone for awhile and I think that’s where a lot of people run into problems, but if you wait and work through it, the maturing can bring something unexpected and wonderful.
sorry for writing a book here… I’m writing to myself right now and using your comment box to do so.
the warm fuzzies dont last?
TAMMIT!
i think the vast majority of us
FALL
in love
Firstly
with the self
then hope to find someone who we can fool ourselves into believing they love us as we love ‘them’.
Sometime we can fall in love with despising ourself, desperately hoping someone will love us as we once did.
True love comes with the understanding that there exists something even greater than our ’self’ worth loving and reaching ‘out’ to. and knowing it is reaching ‘in’ to us.
of course that is just how i see these things.
<B
i don’t believe that love has to be about that feeling. in fact, i think the Bible leads us much more towards the idea that love is a choice rather than a feeling. sure, in our culture there are those warm fuzzy feelings a lot of the time….but for it to last…for it to be love, it is a choice.
i might not FEEL patient always, but i should choose to be out of love. i might not FEEL like being kind, yet must choose kindness to exhibit love….etc.
i find even if my spouse and i are having a hard time, when i choose these things, my love grows. (even when my ugly, sinful heart didn’t want it to!) =)
(i came here from sarah’s and am loving it.) =)
Hey! Happy that you came.
And I agree with your example about patience… We might not always “feel” something, but that doesn’t mean it’s not there. Same holds true for love sometimes.
Thanks for stopping by, Lovelyn!
I can’t say that after 17 yrs of knowing/being with my husband, I get the ‘tinglies.’ But I love watching him walk along a busy city street towards me – before he sees me. And know that he’s on his way to meet me. And I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
God has brought us a long way together and I do think much of our ‘love’ has grown based on mutual respect, trust and communication – besides thinking the other is cute. I think love can grow out of many different situations – it’s not all, love at first sight.
I feel the same way when my husband walks up to meet me. That I’m his favorite and he’d pick me over anyone else. It’s so powerful to know you mean that much to someone else, isn’t it? It’s inspiring.