For most of my 31 years, I’ve been a very self-aware person… Always knowing what’s going on inside me – why I feel what I feel – and very pensive.
Introspective.
In the past few years, I’ve noticed that I’m not nearly as self-aware. Sometimes I’m super-emotional, but I don’t know why – until I talk things out. Sometimes.
I have a theory about why the “introspection” light just shuts off in my brain.
Maybe I stopped wanting to know what was going on inside. Maybe it’s a sort of denial. Maybe it’s a way to create some distance between myself and the drama I may find within me. Maybe a way of not letting “it” get me down – so down – that I can’t get up. Maybe. I’m not sure. I get this funny feeling inside just now – just thinking about it. Heart beating faster. It’s not funny. It’s more like fear. Like panic. Like there’s some bad thing down inside me that I’m running from.
I hate that feeling.
If I don’t introspect, then I don’t feel it. See how that works?
But, because of this lack of introspection, I’ve found that I’m more of a “right now” person as well. I am more “present” – more “in the moment.” I don’t worry as much about stuff that used to worry me. I just say “I’ll deal with that when I have to.” This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE personality shift for me. And I think that might be for the better.
Maybe the “no-more-worries” Mandy and the “out-of-touch-with-self” Mandy are somehow related.
There goes that funny feeling again.
Which is the whole point of this post. I think feelings are good. I think a bit of introspection is good.
So, are you brave enough to introspect with me? How are you feeling today? What’s going on inside?
I’m relating…alot. That’s part of why I haven’t been blogging/writing. My writing, whether for blogging or not, comes from inside. From what I’m thinking and how I’m perceiving my world. And right now, after three months of unemployment, missing our friends, etc., I feel like I’m drowning. I’m struggling to trust that God is working all things together for good. And I’m struggling to keep my thought life good and not ugly and depressing. And I try to distract myself so I won’t think much at all. I keep praying that God will strengthen my faith, because even though I feel so weak, I don’t want to quit trusting Him.
I miss you. Wanna skype soon?
Ouch… That just gripped my heart. I’m emailing you. And yes to skype. Please!!!
NO way……about a month ago, me and Jesus wanted ‘me’ to live more in the ‘right now’ (emotionally speaking). So I’ve been working on it
Well… That’s just ironic.
& yes. I think I’m crazy on the inside. You know this. Anyway, I hope you can somehow manage to live in the “right now” for reasons other than my own.
Hey, I really like your new banner!
another perspective for you: I don’t think I REALLY started to live in the “right now” until I got all the denial and stuffed feelings out of the way. Focusing on the now in order to not look at the inside is never fully free… you’re always running from something. Getting it all out so there’s nothing left to run from means there’s nothing left to worry about and living in the now is the only option.
Just a thought…
Gonna try to wrap my mind around your words… Because I so highly regard and respect your life. What you face. And how you get through it. Thank you for your wiser perspective, Gitz.
definitely not wiser than you… just coming from a different place.
two of my six life goals are:
to fulfill God’s plan by living the best life I can with what I am given…
and to be aware and present in every moment.
i just don’t think i can achieve those two things unless i’ve let go of the things that hold me back.
“what’s going on inside”?
well… i feel a smidge bloated right now. and tired.
haha! funny cause last night i was very emotional and spent some time pondering why. I felt like God spoke to me and said “lynse you cant truly experience the good emotions of life until you are willing to stare the bad ones in the face.” and i am in a season of my life where i am doing that. I am staring the dark places of my past that cause me to totally shut down emotionally…and in that i am now experiencing joy and happiness like i never have before.
I feel like for the first time in my life i am alive….attached. its weird but so amazing!
Proud of you for sharing what you’re sharing… Just so you know.
Thank you. Means alot to know that people are proud of me. Cause it sure was hard. Just praying that God would use me where He needs me.
I have been a very introspective, analytical, person much of my life. It is only since I retired from work that I have started to live in the now.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t feeling good, mentally anyway.
My insides are very happy right now because I filled it with some fresh baked sourdough bread.
Oh my cow!! Ed you are so HANDSOME> Why have you been hiding so long?
I also used to introspect all.the.time. But in the 8 months since my diagnosis, I’ve noticed that is no longer the case. Sometimes that scares me since I often don’t know what’s going on inside me anymore. But overall, at least for the time being, I think I’m better off for it.
At a time of deep transition in my life, it’s much easier to keep going when I’m not constantly trying to figure out what’s going on. For the first time in my life, I’m not trying to control everything. And I am thoroughly enjoying living in the now.
As for today, I’m all over the place. I’m just trying to make it until bedtime.
Girl. I’m so with you on this…
i have to force the introspection these days. mine ran away when the ache became more acute. it was too painful to think through it all the time. feeling it was bad enough; to analyze it to fully understand why was brutal.
i’m trying to make time each week to face and feel what i need to so i can get the most out of this season. this is a mountain i definitely don’t want to circle again. and unfortunately that means i need to take that long, painful look inward more often than i am.
how am i today? my heart is tender, tentative. she’s tired of the fight, battle-weary. i’m also fearful about some family things that i have to face. and stressed about my counseling session tomorrow, because i know what’s coming.
Thank you. I think you’re one of the few who answered my question…
i think Gitz said very well indeed!
i don’t agree that feelings are always and only a good thing – feelings are an indicator of something we should be more aware of and are generally a ‘warning’ sign – necessary – but not actually good in themselves.
To me feelings are the internal equivalent of a blood test – they tell you if your body is in a healthy or an unhealthy state and you would be very wise to pay close attention to what is going on about and inside of you in order to ensure your body can continue to remain within healthy levels.
Feeling sad or depressed? you need to deal with the issues causing it so as to come back into a healthy state! Feeling very happy and content? this can be an indicator that you are giving in to your own personal desires and personal need while perhaps ignoring something of importance leading you do do insufficient personal improvement – some HONEST introspection might be needed so as to ensure you are not fooling yourself into a false fantasy of happiness.
Feelings are necessary but may need introspection to ensure they do not deceive us or cause us excess worry or negativity. Honest introspection to deal with unresolved issues before they set in and become extremely difficult to cope with in our normal ‘now’ life is necessary but not to the point of obsession.
As for your question?
Having a problem right now with people i do, or should, love choosing to see something very negative to them in me that is more of a self-defence mechanism ( of theirs) than a valid observation. ‘i’ have hurt someone else’s feelings ( or to be specific they have felt hurt by something i wrote) this is clear to me. i have instruction to be of one mind with those who seek Christ and clearly this is not being done in this case, but i truly do not believe my words were said out of ego to cause hurt – but out of a desire to cause introspection so as to bring the person closer to Him and further from the ‘i’ of the self.
it’s complicated – feelings are out of place or inappropriately being carried through personal egos on both ‘sides’ – not healthy at all and some balance is still to be found. messy. a very human madness.
Clear as mud – right?
<B
Okay, I was going to answer this last night but I got busy with my 9yr old son’s birthday. Introspect. I am the same as you. If I truly stop and look at my life, I get hot flashes, sweats and a rapid heartbeat. AM I this? have I done this? can I do this? Have I done enough at 43? and blah and blah.
Right now, I am at a turning point, I am leaving the valley of Baca, seriously. I am writing about it today on my blog, soon. Instead of staying there this time I dug some ditches so there will be some refreshing water if I need to return.
I have some real heart issues going on, My mom has terminal cancer and I just told her I really and truly loved her for the very first time (non- mechanical) just a month ago. Not because of the Lymphoma but because I was able to forgive her and move past of her past abuse. I want more time. For years she was my monster But I found out my mom is really special and has poise. Is it a race? I try not to think about it.
Second, my 16 year old son, my musician. I am struggling with him. Really struggling. I want to be the mom that I want to be but I also know where he’s coming from. I know that doesn’t make sense. …but
But introspect.
I love what God is doing in my life.
Do I get scared because I look a little too deep at times, yeah……
But that’s when He takes over!
you, my dear, of all people KNOW how much i hate the phone, but seriously, conversations w/ you are so wonderful and powerful and exciting and wonderful just b/c of this….
I fuzzy heart you.