Monthly Archives: October 2009

I don’t want to introspect.

Posted on
23

For most of my 31 years, I’ve been a very self-aware person… Always knowing what’s going on inside me – why I feel what I feel – and very pensive.

Introspective.

In the past few years, I’ve noticed that I’m not nearly as self-aware. Sometimes I’m super-emotional, but I don’t know why – until I talk things out. Sometimes.

I have a theory about why the “introspection” light just shuts off in my brain.

Maybe I stopped wanting to know what was going on inside. Maybe it’s a sort of denial. Maybe it’s a way to create some distance between myself and the drama I may find within me. Maybe a way of not letting “it” get me down – so down – that I can’t get up. Maybe. I’m not sure. I get this funny feeling inside just now – just thinking about it. Heart beating faster. It’s not funny. It’s more like fear. Like panic. Like there’s some bad thing down inside me that I’m running from.

I hate that feeling.

If I don’t introspect, then I don’t feel it. See how that works?

But, because of this lack of introspection, I’ve found that I’m more of a “right now” person as well. I am more “present” – more “in the moment.” I don’t worry as much about stuff that used to worry me. I just say “I’ll deal with that when I have to.” This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE personality shift for me. And I think that might be for the better.

Maybe the “no-more-worries” Mandy and the “out-of-touch-with-self” Mandy are somehow related.

There goes that funny feeling again.

Which is the whole point of this post. I think feelings are good. I think a bit of introspection is good.

So, are you brave enough to introspect with me? How are you feeling today? What’s going on inside?

My two-dimensioned world.

Posted on
8

I stare at screens all day long.

Computer screens. TV screens. Computer screens. Overhead projector screens. Computer screens. Computer screens.

All two-dimensional.

I’m beginning to wonder if my eyes won’t lose their ability to perceive this three-dimensioned world that lives outside of these screens. If my depth-perception will somehow be skewed and I’ll miss all the layers of life. If I’m becoming “blinded” by all the two-dimensional images that are mere representations of my three-dimensional reality.

There’s gotta be a spiritual lesson in there somewhere.

The two-dimensioned faith.

Somewhere.

But I just can’t see it. I think my spiritual depth-perception is messed up right now, too.

More about house-hunting and moving and the weather.

Posted on
8

(Alternately titled: The random that has become my world.)

So, we have a couple of houses in mind. And are hoping to finalize things quickly. Maybe-just-maybe one of those will soon be in our name.

“Soon” is very important.

Because that first-time homebuyers’ incentive? it is glorious.

And we don’t want to miss the deadline.

Plus, our moving date is somewhere JUST before Christmas. I thought that would be soon enough to bypass another brutal New England winter.

But oh no.

It snowed here on Sunday night. And I’m talking the biggest, fattest, heaviest snowflakes I’ve ever seen. Granted, I’ve only seen three winters worth of snow, but that’s a plenty. As I stood there on the wet pavement outside our apartment, catching snowflakes in my mouth, I couldn’t help but remember the weekend before. I was standing on the sandy soil of Coastal Georgia, looking at house after house after house, while the heat index was threatening 100 degrees. And that pretty much sums up my mental state right now: I’m in two worlds at once.

And they are very different.

A number of you have asked what in the heck we’re going to be doing back in Georgia. Well…. I can’t yet tell you.

But I will. Oh I will.

As soon as I get the green light. Because this news? it is glorious.