Monthly Archives: May 2010

NERDY NUMBERS!!

Posted on
27

I have a “haven’t-met-yet” friend in town who I’ ve recently discovered is a fantastic budding blogger…

Today is in honor of her [insert round of applause here] because… well, I’m totally stealing her idea:

We’re playing the Nerdy Numbers game. It’s easy. Just use numbers to celebrate the nerd in you.

Like this:

  • 3 computer screens. Sometimes I have 3 screens going at once in my office.
  • 6 dollars and 30 cents. That’s how much my favorite mechanical pencil costs.
  • 3 of my favorite mechanical pencils. I have 3 of them. 1) the original that I found 5 years ago, scratched and dirtied on the asphalt after having been run over in the road on a side street that goes to the beach. 2) the other 1 I bought about 3 years ago (I bought 2. Lost 1). 3) the other other 1 that I bought recently after I realized I lost 1 of the 2 I bought.

Speaking of that lost pencil…

  • ZERO episodes left in Lost. Zero. Not happy about that at all.

Ok, your turn! Give me your nerdy numbers.

Image courtesy of Leo Reynolds.

But What if I Don’t Want the Gift?

Posted on
28

I woke up thinking about some things that were shared at small group last night. Thinking about whether or not I truly believe that God loves me. Thinking about if I’ve seen/felt/known His love in an unconditional way…

How would I know if He loves me? (cue Whitney Houston, sorry)… My mind, in its half-asleep pre-dawn stupor, jumped to the verse where God being gives good gifts to His children. That’s what good fathers do, right? Right. So there’s something good that I can find in it all. There’s something good.

(Granted, in writing this, it sparks the cynic in me once again: “Children are a gift from God.” Well… Thanks.)

But, back to those “good gifts” thoughts that weren’t yet shadowed by my reality: has He given me any? In the midst of walking through infertility, has He given me anything that I can be thankful for? That I can say “Thank you God” for? My mind immediately turned to songwriting.

I would not be where I am on this road to being a songwriter if it weren’t for this season of nothingness in my life… Granted, I’m not far along on any semi-professional songwriting level, but I’ve grown a lot in my understanding of myself as a creative. And I’ve truly come to embrace and foster that chunk of my personality. And I’m committed to that element of my life. It’s who I am on a core level.

Even thought I didn’t ask for it, this part of my growth would not have occurred if I were given what I wanted by now.

So I’m trying to believe that God has a plan for my songwriting. And, in the midst of the “Why haven’t You?” or “Do You even love me?” I’m trying to find a place in my heart that says “Thank you God.”

The Waiting: 8. The Cost of Hope

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59

Let’s finish this series with the view from present-day.

Today I am ok. I am still sad. I am still without. But I am ok. I have walked this road for over 3 years now. I’m not yet used to it… but… it’s familiar. It is what it is.

Sometimes, in some cases, there’s something frantic inside the infertile woman. Something that continues to think “maybe this month” again and again. But, how many times can she think “maybe” before she begins to realize it may never be? How many times can she face her cycle completing before she gives up on ever having it interrupted by a precious life inside of her? How many times can she pray before she has to face the reality that her prayer is not being answered the way she so deeply wants? How long can she hope before her heart becomes sick?

Some women can endure this month-to-month for years.

Some can’t.

Some are willing to go for more tests. More procedures. More doctors. More medications.

Some aren’t.

Some haven’t given up on the possibility of having a successful pregnancy.

Some have.

“Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” My heart has endured much. Endured more than some, less than others. And I have to work through deferred hope in my own way. The end result is not a matter of faith, but of reality. In order for my heart to be well, I have to face my reality.

Maybe one day my reality will change. Maybe God will do that. Maybe He won’t. I don’t know.

What I do know is that hope is, after all that has happened and not happened, very costly.

What’s better for my heart? To constantly hope for a tomorrow that hasn’t come? Or to stop and face what has been given in the form of today? And, today, I face infertility.

And all I can afford to hope for is peace in the midst of this reality. And hope for a healthy heart. And hope for rest.

This doesn’t mean I’ve given up hope of Tiny-Thompsons running around in our house. Remember what I told you in the first sentence – the sentence that started this entire story:

Four years ago, around the time seminary was starting up, we wandered into the discovery that we both wanted to adopt.

I don’t know how this story will end. I don’t know what’s around the corner. But I do want to say thank you for walking this road with me. Remembering, memorializing, and praying. Your compassion and words and tears and love have truly wrapped me through this series. For those of you who have walked this road, or are currently on it, I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Part one: Before The Beginning
Part two: The Real Reason Why I Quit Seminary
Part three: Clomid
Part four: When Everything Changed
Part five: The Week
Part six: It’s Ok to Say You’re Sorry
Part seven: The Curse of Barrenness

The Waiting: 7. The Curse of Barrenness

Posted on
33

I thought I would end this series today – with some thoughts on where Drew and I are today in this process.

But then I remembered.

I remembered that I wanted to write about what it feels like to face infertility…

There’s a reason that infertile women in the Bible are seen as having the favor of God removed from them – cursed or something. It’s as if the Creator has chosen to withhold the breath of life from their wombs. Has removed His favor and will from the center of her being.

Literally.

My womb is in the center of my body. At the physical core of who I am. And, while I’ve had a myriad of conflicting desires about getting pregnant, there exists in me this assumption – this expectation – that if we cooperate with the “conception process” then I should be pregnant. Right?

My “core” is still …wrong. Broken. Un-favored.

It took much for my heart to embrace the possibility. MUCH. And, once I was on board pursuing starting a family, it si like God didn’t come through with His end of the deal. I did a lot of heart work to say YES to this big-picture plan of starting a family. I did a lot of heart work to get to a place of obedience with His “be fruitful and multiply” commandment. And then there are the doctors and the tests and the medicines and the procedures and the vitamins and the organic food and the non-toxic cleaners.

I know there are a million reasons why a pregnancy might not be successful. A lot of things could go wrong. But the Maker and Sustainer of life should be able to overcome an infinite number obstacles, right? I mean, He created the process. If anyone could make it work….?

And at the end of the day, I feel tricked. Duped.

Like “Where is God in all this?! Why isn’t HE cooperating?”

Part one: Before The Beginning
Part two: The Real Reason Why I Quit Seminary
Part three: Clomid
Part four: When Everything Changed
Part five: The Week
Part six: It’s Ok to Say You’re Sorry