THE WAITING: 1. BEFORE THE BEGINNING
Four years ago, around the time seminary was starting up, we wandered into the discovery that we both wanted to adopt. I looked out the window. He drove. And we talked. And adoption came up. And neither one of us knew the other wanted it. But once it flew out of one’s mouth, the other latched on. Our casual conversation turned into a life-changing moment.
We were three or so years into our marriage. And, you’d think, like every female with love in her heart and a devoted man in her bed, I would’ve initiated the “let’s start a family” conversation by then…
But I hadn’t.
I was never the little girl with a box of dress-up clothes, bed full of dolls, detailed dreams of her wedding day, and baby-names already picked out. For whatever reason, I never dreamed of becoming a mom.
But, that’s neither here nor there, because I’m dreaming those dreams now. Actually, I’ve been dreaming them for years.
Emphasis on the word years.
And all those years ago, when we had that adoption conversation, we didn’t know the road ahead. We didn’t know that, soon after, we would decide to make-a-baby before we adopted. And, well, we didn’t know just how difficult that road would be for us.
So, here are the facts: We’ve been married 7 years. We want to adopt. We also want to give birth. We haven’t been able to do either, yet. And that’s not easy to deal with.
Over the weeks to come, I’m going to put experience and emotion to those facts. Telling a story that is still fresh. That is still raw. And that I’ve never publicly shared (even though some of you well-loved readers, friends, and family know the highlights already and have carried me through much).
I’m writing for two reasons:
- Nobody ever talks about infertility.
- I don’t ever talk about our infertility. But I need to.
So. If you know someone who is struggling or has struggled with this issue, send ‘em my way. And we’ll talk about it, because we need to.
Welcome to “The Waiting.”
Mandy,
Waiting sucks! Waiting with no time line sucks even more. I admire your courage. I admirer your willingness to talk about what is more silent. Thank you for your raw. I am praying over your posts and all the two cents that people will say.
Thanks Tracee… And, even though I’ve probably been minimalizing, the truth is that this story won’t be a big deal to many people, other than Drew and I and our close loved ones. But there are others out there who are silently suffering through this and maybe these words will make a difference for them.
Thank you for your encouragement today – and prayers. Really.
Your life has been such a story of strength to me, just from what I’ve read on your blog. I am inspired by your openness and willingness to be vulnerable. Thanks!
Alicia:
Don’t be mistaken, girlie… You’re reading what has come after a long stretch of silence. Been dreading today for a long time.
Your story is so familiar to me on so many levels. Like you, I didn’t have baby names picked out when I was a little girl, and while I had some dolls & barbies I wound up destroying them more than playing with them. When my husband and I married 20 years ago we had no desire to have kids. It wasn’t until 10 years into our marriage when he came home one day and said “I think I hear my biological clock ticking”. I looked at him and said “I think that is supposed to be my line.” However I also did not have the burning desire so many other women express to be pregnant, give birth and go through that entire experience. Expressing that to friends and family brought on a variety of responses; from support to the other extreme of being told there must be something wrong with me.
Some years prior to this conversation about his biological clock we had seen one of the “documentaries” on the abandoned girls in China and had said if there ever came a time we could do something to help the situation or possibly adopt, we would. But when we had that conversation we were over our heads in debt, working 20 hours a day to make ends meet, and were in no place to even consider being parents.
Fast forward to September 1999. We suddenly found ourselves out of debt and in a position to possibly make a difference. To make a long story shorter, we wound up adopting our beautiful daughter from China. There was quite a wait involved with that too. But it all became a memory the day we met our Chinese firecracker, March 12, 2001.
Sorry for such a long response. I look forward to reading more of your story. And hope to help celebrate your family too.
Don’t apologize. I understand SO MUCH of what you’ve just written. So much… And, my desire to be a mom didn’t happen until AFTER we started “trying” – but that’s for another blog post.
But, know that I get that whole thing about not having a burning desire. It makes my story even MORE complicated. More on that later.
Thanks for your honesty,
mandy
One of these days we will be celebrating an ” Thompson arrival ” party with you.
But until then, I want to heare how you and Drew are handling the “wait”
In so many levels I can relate too this, maybe not in infertility, but in my own personal wait.
Nevertheless, Both need God.
Love ya Miss M… Praying and listening with my heart wide open..
Thank you, H!
Manders, I’m so proud of you right now!
Love you Keri
All I can say to you is that I’m proud of you. Those who cry down being open in blogland miss out on the level of relationship and authenticity here.
I will send u a personal email shortly, but know that I am glad to have met you, and will walk with you through this difficult period in your life as well.
Thanks Bajan. I’ll be on the lookout for that email.
I used the contact form … hope it got through
Will read it asap. Thanks!
praying for you as you write this….as you put it all out there and revisit the journey youve already walked. i love you. and like many – i am so proud of you. mandy.
Thank you, Tam. And any advice you can give me on “how” to say all this? That would be helpful…
Mandy, do you know my story? Do you know it was years for me, too? I wrote about it here: http://www.crownlaiddown.com/2010/02/03/lifting-my-eyes/
It has been such an impossible life made possible, you know? I know your tears, friend. And this friend, who prays all the time, is praying for you! I love you, friend! Hope to meet you this side of Heaven.
Had no idea… Will check that link as soon as possible. Thank you Holly.
Proud of your courage to talk about this. I know it’s hard. I’ll be praying for you over these next few weeks. You are so cherished.
Thank you, Mandy, for posting. Amanda and I are walking that road along side of you. We both want children, but things aren’t happening ‘naturally’ (even though we’ve seen the Dr’s), and adoption’s not an option given the expense. As Tom Petty would say, “the waiting is the hardest part.”
Jim:
This makes me sad. I didn’t know… Wish we’d made this connection a year ago.
So proud of you! Your courage inspires. I look forward to hearing the rest of the story and will be praying for your heart as you take this incredible risk. Sending lots of love your way.
“Look forward to hearing” ?? really…? It’s not a pretty story. But thank you.
Thank you for sharing, friend.
http://www.mentalfloss.com/store/product.php?productid=16282&cat=103&page=1
(in case you need a laugh…or at least a giggle)
WOW!!! hahaha
Thank you for sharing. We too have and are struggling through this process. It isn’t talked about, and it should be. So thank you. Praying for you guys.
Lynse: Any time you have questions or something you want me to write about with all this, let me know. I’m making it up as I go.
Thank you. Thanks for sharing your journey with others. It’ll provide strength and encouragement beyond what you many ever know. Praying for you as you discern how to walk through this with the blogoshphere. And praying for you & Drew as you wait.
Thank you for your prayers…
Life is meant to be shared. The good, bad and the ugly… which is really just the good and the beautiful to Him, you know. Things are hard for us, bad for us, ugly to us, but to Him it’s all just the pattern of the life He needs you to lead. I’m so proud you’re listening to His urging to tell your story. You are giving voice to Him.
Proud of you. Praying for you… to find words and courage and peace.
Gitz:
Not to sound like a hallmark card or cheesy love song, but your strength makes me feel stronger. Thank you friend.
I like Hallmark card cheesy love songs
There are words I want to say and I don’t know what they are.
I see my own struggle though it doesn’t have to do with infertility. But 9 years of marriage and no little Landi (plural of Landis) running up and down the stairs. It just hasn’t been God’s time. Some days…..it’s really hard. Others I’m grateful we can just pack up and go. And the next steps He has for us only mean more waiting. Waiting sucks.
I’m praying for you and Drew and the little Thompsons that will gleefully put hand prints all over your pretty painted tree wall.
I’m glad you’re at a place where you can rest in God’s time. Whatever your struggle. And however painful your wait is.
I wish I could say that my soul rests in God’s time…
Believe me my soul does not always rest, it often acts like a 2 year old who wants the toy and doesn’t get it.
That sounds more human.
Infertility: i talk about it. because that’s what we were labeled with… for years. we’ve had more miscarriages than babies. probably more babies than we’ll EVER have.
I love that you’re talking about this. you NEED to.
We need to talk…
this isn’t something i have had to walk through and i am sorry that it is for you. i look forward to reading your journey and praying for you as you expose your heart in this way.
Thank you Crystal… “Expose” = good word for it.
I’ve been reading through the comments, thinking about you, and thinking about the connection you have already made with others through this post.
Hey friend… We’ll see where this all goes. Hopefully my head and my heart can connect with my reality through this journey.
i love you. and i love your heart… every way i can get it.
You’ve got it!
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Thanks for being open and sharing Mandy
You’re welcome, Jenny.
For years, I sat at Barnes and Noble in the cafe section with stacks of infertility books reading and re-reading them hoping something on the pages would somehow change and tell me the answers that I wanted to hear. And for years, my preacher husband would have another stack of books, though not about infertility. He would lose himself in gaming and science fiction, anything to avoid talking about what I was desperately wanting to talk about:
*screaming in my head* (Where is our baby and why does everyone else have one and I’ve done all the Hannah at the altar prayers and had the women at church that really have all the faith pray for me and still nothing is happening and I’ve even bought baby clothes by faith to show Jesus just how FAITHFUL i am and still…)
Nothing.
Just stacks of books. Well, two stacks. One infertility. One gaming/science fiction.
There’s more to the story but I’m so glad that you are talking about it rather than not. And saying the things I should have said rather than closing my mouth and fearing the “rejection of the church’ for my questions and doubts and wonders.
I ended up at Gethsemane, with a cup and His will and it’s turned out beyond my wildest dreams. So excited to see what this journey produces in you and for you and through you.
Much love….Cole
I’m so so so so so so sorry that you know this road. And how hard it is to deal with this. I’m so sorry.
On the other hand, strange that you’re excited for me… But I’ll take that. Wish I could say the same for myself. Maybe I will one day.
Until then, I’m so thankful that in the midst of the silent screams you were able to find grace…
As for the rejection of the church? I don’t have the energy to worry about that. And I don’t see questions as rebellious. And, I don’t say those Hannah prayers anymore.
I think Hannah only said it once anyway. And then she went and had a diet coke.
Ok. Whew. I don’t feel so unspiritual now…
Yup. The waiting sux. And no-one talks about infertility. And why is it taboo at church???
I have my theories…
i, too, love you friend. i can’t imagine what you’re dealing with as you type this out for the world to read. but i already see God using your life, words, and experience to help others. you are my hero.
Thank you.
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ugh. I’m choking back tears already…..
moving along…..
just catching up on your posts from being gone for two weeks… wow… I had no idea. My step-bro & wife struggled with this for a long time back in the day… they had a lot of pain, but not a lot of people who could walk thru it w/them, talk to them about it, and they didn’t have a safe place to share what they were dealing with with anyone else – so they remained pretty isolated. In just in finding the courage to share your story… you are wrapping words around experiences others may be suffering through and in doing that… you help create an environment of redemption…that is a gift.
I will keep y’all in my prayers… and thank you SO much for risking sharing your heart through your story.
Redemption… That’s the best we can hope for, JennyRain.
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i admire your courage to share. i didn’t talk about our infertility until after we had our daughter.
my husband and i tried for 9+ years before we had our daughter. “when are you having kids?” was the easier question to answer. “someday” then i’m smile and change the subject hoping they would get the hint. the $100,000 question was the one that more bold, er, i mean, rude people would ask, “why don’t you and casey have kids? what’s wrong with you?” yes, i have been asked those questions more often that a person would think.
enough of my story. mandy, i’ve written your name down in my bible and i will be praying for you and your husband.
Jessica: I’m so humbled by your words. Really… I feel like I keep saying the same thing over and over to those out there in the inter-world who say they will pray for me: “Thank you.”
But I have no other words for it. Simply thank you.
I’m sorry to hear that people asked “What’s wrong with you?” I have no idea how I’d deal with that. No idea at all… But, I’m so grateful that those 9 years were no longer… I’m at 3 and it feels impossible. I can’t imagine 9.
Blessings to you and your family…
I love you and am crazy eager to go down this path with you. You are an amazing woman and I love that you are sharing your heart in such a real way!!!
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