Hello, my name is Mandy. And I’m a Seminary dropout.
I spent one semester as a student. Then quit. That was three years ago. I know I’ve told many people that I quit seminary because I decided I didn’t want to pursue Christian Counseling. Yes. This is true. But, I also quit seminary so we could start a family.
Three years ago.
Three years.
Seminary is prime breeding ground – a perfect quaint little community where future-ministers start their little families. In fact, they all jokingly say “don’t drink the water,” because it seems like everyone has babies at seminary.
But, not everyone.
Not us.
And not for lack of trying.
Even though we planned to adopt, we just couldn’t afford it during seminary. It’s very expensive. Very. And it’s cheaper to just make a baby.
I know I mentioned that I never really dreamed of becoming a mom. That was still true. Even in the decision to start a family. Even while we were trying to get pregnant. Even then, I wasn’t sold on the idea. This is such a radically important detail in this whole story. Don’t miss it, because that hesitation will eventually lead to guilt. Think about that while you click this link for “cognitive dissonance” and try to imagine my emotions from month to month. Cognitive dissonance will make someone crazy.
I know I’m not the only woman who’s questioned whether or not she wanted to be a mom. But, most women who face that uncertainty only deal with it for a few months, and then the question is quickly answered when they see a little pink plus on the stick.
I kept asking myself if I really wanted this, from month to month… for eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen months…
Seventeen months of trying – waiting – wondering – fearing – hoping – praying, but not knowing if I even wanted it.
Anyway, sticking with the plan of trying to get pregnant, we headed to the Doctors for assistance… And that’s when things drastically changed.
So far, we’ve decided not to go this route – I just couldn’t get my head around it…I’m interested to read more.
Louise: Which route are you speaking of?
No matter what the answer, know that this whole process has been very hard for me to wrap my mind around. Very hard.
“headed to the Doctors for assistance”
Ah… Gotcha. Well… Most people find answers and solutions when they get medical assistance. *most*…. Keep reading. If, by the end, you still have questions, ask ‘em.
Just because that fox couldn’t get the grapes does not mean he starved to death.
Maybe he just adopted a new strategy…
Nor:
Can you clarify what you’re saying? Because, from here it sounds like you’re saying I’m making things out to be worse than they are and I should just adopt?
Nor…
I’m sure you don’t mean to sound so insensitive here… but um… yeah.
Many times in the Bible. there are stories written of barren women who’s desire for children never left them. Even when Sarai in some ways “adopted” Ishmael”, God still gave her Isaac in her old years. Then, Hannah who only wanted a son… and when God gave Samuel to her, she gave him back to God’s service.
Our desires, if are in line with God’s story for us, will never go away. Yes, adoption is always an option and we will always LOVE our adopted children because when we adopt them… they are our OWN.
Mandy is sharing her story… her experience and emotions here. It’s probably better if we don’t sideline HER experience.
Mandy, really glad you are sharing your story. It’s tough to do, I know. Love from the yankees in Beantown.
17 months is a long time. Praying for y’all
Thanks, Hannah. This wait isn’t over. We’re now at 3 years.
Love u, Mandy … I’m supporting u, and sending ppl who’re dealing with the same issue ur way
Thanks Bajan. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone… But, maybe my words will help someone else.
i so value your raw transparency in sharing about your cognitive dissonance. in a very different way, i get that kind of emotional conflict… and it’s crazy-making.
thank you for continuing to put your honest heart out there for us. for me.
i love you.
Yes ma’am. Love you too.
I wish my mom blogged…she is familiar with the number 17.
17 is the number of years she and my dad were married before I was born. And she always goes back to a teaching she heard by Marilyn Hickey about barren women. I will have to pick her brain about it.
Praying for you!
Allison:
Is that teaching available anywhere?
thanks…
I can’t get over how complicated we are. I woke up this morning questioning so many things. Decisions I’ve made. Ones that have been made for me. And then…God.
He actually gets the final say, doesn’t He?
I am praying for you, Mandy, and asking God to build your house beyond the oneness He’s already created with you and Drew. To have that oneness…what a blessing…
Hey Red.
Yes. He does get the final say… May we all, in our own journeys and struggles, find a place in our heart to be ok with what He says in that final say.
~m
Mandy – so appreciate your courage in telling THIS part of your story despite it’s being so obviously raw. Praying for you and Drew in this part of your walk. Much love to you guys from us in Rolla, MO.
Thank you Joel.
I don’t know what to add, but want you to know that I’m here.
That’s all I need
i have little to say today.
but i want you to know… i’m listening.
Thank you for sticking around… Makes me feel safe.
Thank you for sharing this part of this difficut part of your life. I am sure there is someone reading it who is going, or has gone, through what you have, and is helped by what you write.
The only thing I know is that you will make a great mother. If we could pick our parents I would want someone like you.
Have you thought about adopting a 67 year old? I wouldn’t even have to be toilet trained.
Mandy, I’m known for how much I talk, but lately I’m trying to be still, to listen. And so, I have been reading, praying, and listening….
Your wait, and the sharing of this wait (weight?), will help SO MANY LIVES. I’m proud of you for being so brave and for letting us into your heart!
Alright… back to listening.
Thank you, Steph. Keep listening – you never know who you know who will struggle through this.
I just had this conversation with some people tonight… that the exact same happenings or situations [like a death, or infertility or grief of any kind] do not produce the exact same results, because they happen to different people. We all bring our own lives to our stories, so there is no right or wrong way to feel about any of this. No right or wrong way to handle what you have and are still going through. You are living your life beautifully, Mandy, and I’m so proud of you for sharing your world with us.
Sometimes it’s easy for people to say a platitude or a quick quip when they haven’t gone through it because they think the answer is simple. But the answer is different for each person, and the emotions going into decisions are uniquely your own. Just know that as you tell your story, I honor and respect every part of it.
Gitz:
I hope my silent readers will read your comment…. I really really hope they do. None of us go through this the same. But, most do go through it silently. And sometimes the silence makes it worse. So I’ll talk through my process, hoping that maybe it’ll spark a connection and allow another woman to feel less isolated. Either way, you’re right. The process is different for different people. Love you much.
Thank you for letting your life be a conversation!
You’re welcome, Blane.
Mandy:
Forgive my being so cryptic, but I clicked on the link to to be sure I understood the idea. It cites, as you probably know, “The Fox & The Grapes” as an example. When I considered the story once more, I realized that if the fox had kept trying to get the grapes, it would have starved to death. So, even though it really, really, really wanted the grapes, I think it turned out to be a good thing that the fox decided they weren’t so edible after all. This, of course, is not to say that you and Drew should simply “move on”, but that God is taking care of you, and those around you, in ways you probably cannot yet realize. I do hope that your journey to motherhood is filled with joy, and that you and Drewe won’t give up — my parents tried to have kids for seven years before they finally got my sister, who was (officially, at least) adopted. Even so, my parents kept trying for a biologicalk child of their own. The doctor finally gave my mother twice the amount of fertility drugs that were perscribed back then. Nine months later, my brother was born. And ther doctor said, “If you want to try again, come back and see me in six months.” Well, lo and behold, six months later my mother went back three months pregnant with me. I would not be here if my parents gave up on having children of their own. It took them eight years to have their first biological child, and even then it took a lot of fertility meds (whatever they used back then). I ended up being a complete surprise — no meds, no nothing, just good fashioned…Well, you know — so I guess God had other ideas. I don’t know if that helps or not, but…well, that’s been on my mind since you started this series. Those eight years of waiting for a biological child are now a distant memory to my parents; I know three years is a long time, but I hope you and Drew don’t give up. And, if I may say so, please consider adopting — I can’t imagine life without my sister (just don’t tell her I said that
). Above all, have faith. My thumbs arer starting to hurt so I am going to submit…
Thank you for taking the time to explain, Nor. And yes Drew and I have full intentions of adopting. This process has just been a bit complicated, to say the least.
I can tend to be too talkative but as you share your story, I want to listen more than I talk and hear your heart in its fullest. Your courage is so profound here and inspires more than you may ever truly know. So my words will be few. Just know that I am praying for you and sending you lots of love (and my constant support) from the Carolinas.
M
I have this song in my ears as I am about to walk out the door to work out. I thought of you as I heard it again after a long absence, reloaded it and found that I needed it too..
Love ya!
Thank you for taking the time to leave this here.
Mandy: Complicated, eh? Well, just try to think of it as the labor pains of adoption. Who knows? Maybe one day you’ll be grateful Frew gets to share the pain this time.
I do hope that one day I will be grateful… Hoping.
I’m listening. Love you, girl.
Hey. I was just thinking about you today… Love you too.
Oh Mandy. I have two sweet boys but, it wasn’t easy getting there. It was 6 years…doc’s appt…being told we’d only have one kiddo. I remember is so clearly. Praying for you in this. I can’t wait to see how God takes all of this and makes you even more special than you already are!
Thank you Jennifer… For the encouragement and the song.
PS: I hope to have the heart of this song, but somedays I don’t know if I could say this…
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Mandy: I hope so, too.
(Sorry about the typo, Drew!)
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