Let’s finish this series with the view from present-day.
Today I am ok. I am still sad. I am still without. But I am ok. I have walked this road for over 3 years now. I’m not yet used to it… but… it’s familiar. It is what it is.
Sometimes, in some cases, there’s something frantic inside the infertile woman. Something that continues to think “maybe this month” again and again. But, how many times can she think “maybe” before she begins to realize it may never be? How many times can she face her cycle completing before she gives up on ever having it interrupted by a precious life inside of her? How many times can she pray before she has to face the reality that her prayer is not being answered the way she so deeply wants? How long can she hope before her heart becomes sick?
Some women can endure this month-to-month for years.
Some can’t.
Some are willing to go for more tests. More procedures. More doctors. More medications.
Some aren’t.
Some haven’t given up on the possibility of having a successful pregnancy.
Some have.
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” My heart has endured much. Endured more than some, less than others. And I have to work through deferred hope in my own way. The end result is not a matter of faith, but of reality. In order for my heart to be well, I have to face my reality.
Maybe one day my reality will change. Maybe God will do that. Maybe He won’t. I don’t know.
What I do know is that hope is, after all that has happened and not happened, very costly.
What’s better for my heart? To constantly hope for a tomorrow that hasn’t come? Or to stop and face what has been given in the form of today? And, today, I face infertility.
And all I can afford to hope for is peace in the midst of this reality. And hope for a healthy heart. And hope for rest.
This doesn’t mean I’ve given up hope of Tiny-Thompsons running around in our house. Remember what I told you in the first sentence – the sentence that started this entire story:
Four years ago, around the time seminary was starting up, we wandered into the discovery that we both wanted to adopt.
I don’t know how this story will end. I don’t know what’s around the corner. But I do want to say thank you for walking this road with me. Remembering, memorializing, and praying. Your compassion and words and tears and love have truly wrapped me through this series. For those of you who have walked this road, or are currently on it, I’m so sorry. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
Part one: Before The Beginning
Part two: The Real Reason Why I Quit Seminary
Part three: Clomid
Part four: When Everything Changed
Part five: The Week
Part six: It’s Ok to Say You’re Sorry
Part seven: The Curse of Barrenness
And thank you for sharing….
I didn’t know how many people are walking this road….
But I’m glad I got to share in this journey with you, my friend.
thank you so much for sharing your heart and your story that is in the making….
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” My heart has endured much. Endured more than some, less than others. And I have to work through deferred hope in my own way. The end result is not a matter of faith, but of reality. In order for my heart to be well, I have to face my reality.
Maybe one day my reality will change. Maybe God will do that. Maybe He won’t. I don’t know.
*I love you.
Love you too gitz
Disappointment is the cost of hope not realized, and you have gone through a lot in the last few years.
I have never heard of any time table for our dreams to come true. Those that do happen will do so, unfortunately, in their own good time.
You have shown a lot of courage to re-live you trial in your blog, for others to learn from.
That courage tells me you will never give up on your dreams.
I can’t give up. Not yet.
Not much I can say, but know that the community you’ve built by this ole blog can consistently lift you and Drew in prayer. And I, for one, will do that. I will pray that God’s plan will deliver great hope and happiness in your lives and that His plan for you will be received with great clarity. And that if His plan isn’t your plan, that you will adjust accordingly and know that someone, somewhere benefits from your struggles.
Lives will be changed and hearts comforted because of your story. I have an awesome feeling that someone is reading who previously felt as if she were alone……and now knows she is not.
Peace!
Toby: I hope you’re right, because I’m not just writing for cathartic reasons…
Mandy, love you even though we have not looked into each other eyes and seen the tears or seen the smiles and laughter. Mama and i are praying for you. We watched our daughter and her husband struggle with these same issues. Today they have two adopted children starting in 1999, and even one from natural birth. It has been a blessed journey for them. If you would ever like to talk to mama and papa call us. I will send you our phone numbers via facebook message.
We love you, pray for you.
Mama and Papa
thank you papa. thank you so so much.
‘hope for a healthy heart’. yes.
Mandy…what an incredible story that leaves me in true admiration of your continued fight for and walk with the heart of Jesus, the One who created you and loves you so much. I pray that today, we as your blog “friends”, can be here for you through prayer. You are amazing and I know it is because of your love towards and faith in our Savior’s plan even when their is pain. Thank you for being so transparent with all of us. That is a true gift.
Love,
Jennifer
I would say “fight with” the heart of Jesus. And, I’m not so sure I have faith in His plan right now. So far this isn’t an easy ride to be on.
~just maintaining further transparency.
Thanks for commenting, Jennifer. Really. Hope you are doing well!
This hit me. So true, yet we like to resist it. Thanks for sharing so much of your heart in this story.
It’s like, if we ignore something it’ll go away… But, that never works. Reality is reality. I’m working on accepting mine.
Hi Mandy. I didn’t know that we were sisters, you & I. (Me — 2 years, 21 cycles, 1 loss, 1 surgery.) “It is what it is” is a common mantra around our house too. I battle with Him daily. Sometimes I end on my knees, weeping. Others he fills me with great GREAT hope. So we wait.
How do you get to a place of having this “GREAT hope,” Johanna?
I don’t know. A lot of prayer. A lot of trusting. Listening. Looking at my life and seeing how often I’ve failed, but He’s always been faithful. Why wouldn’t I expect him to be faithful in this? Other the last few months I’ve also come to the realization that He wants me to be hopeful. That squashing it squahes chances to see Him at work.
I read through this comment with an audible “huh” and then a groan coming out of my mouth.
Then I thought: I don’t have the words for Johanna to know how deeply these few sentences were just written in my brain.
So. Well. There ya go: “huh” and groan….
I will be thinking about this.
I will be thinking about this a lot.
Love your transparency. Love your honesty. Love your vulnerability. Love your heart.
God has used you to stir up some emotions in me I thought I had dealt with…thank you for that. My three angels in heaven are precious in His sight. My head knew that; I think my heart now does, too.
Three? Oh Kelly… I’m so sorry.
Mandy, thanks for sharing. My heart aches for you and the trying process that this is for you. As a man, I can’t fully know what it is that you women suffer emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. But as a husband that has “experienced” 4 miscarriages with my wife (2 of them further along in the process), I know.
(dang. i’m tearing up thinking about it all as I type this!)
I have 2 kids — one our own that came without a hitch… then came “6 barren years” that seem not to have any rhyme or reason for our trials and failures… and then one adopted. We talk about trying for another one. But oddly, our past experience (and little bit of getting older) has us gunshy and struggle even with trying — so, we now have another set of “realities” to wrestle with. I can only agree with you that life is about assessing reality and reconciling it against the fabric of faith.
I hope that you will continue to hope. I hope that you (and I) can also come to grips with the fact that we don’t always get what we want. But above that, I pray that you will rest in the fact that God knows what’s up.
Peace and grace to you friend!
Pete:
Thank you for taking the time to write a bit of your story here. I read it shaking my head. Shaking my head over the 4 miscarriages. My heart can barely take one. One. And others have had more. It’s unbelievable. I’m sorry. And I can understand why you’re gunshy… Believe me. I can.
Mandy, I life you up, this moment, to Him – for peace, for calm, for that wonderful heart of yours to rest and be tranquil, even if just for this moment. I can’t imagine the journey you are on, it is one I have not had. I, like others who have responded, can only be in awe of the strength you rely on to share this story. I have no doubt that someone, somewhere, has realized they are not alone in their struggle and that your courage has been an example.
What a gift to have been directed to someone like you in this giant world of cyberspace! Maggie
That’s the strength: “that someone, somewhere, has realized they are not alone in their struggle”… that’s where my strength comes from.
And, it also comes from the part I wrote about in the post, the part where I have to face my reality. Trying to own it. Call it what it is.
i had never thought of hope costing, but you are so right it does. The opposite of hope is often withdrawal or denial of it. I did that for years… about being married. I thought that I had screwed everything up w/my first awful marriage and would never have the chance again to be with someone I loved… so for a long time I denied that I had hope at all for it… I denied that I wanted to be married …
Then God brought it back one day and asked me to look at it, admit again that I wanted it, and He took me back into the desire… Oh was it painful… it’s so much easier to detach, withdraw, deny… But God wouldn’t let me do that…
He caused me to hope again, not only in Him, but in my dream… being fully aware of my reality, but hoping still for a better future.
Hope helped my heart come back alive again… and you are right, Gosh did it hurt, and cost… but hope is worth it – for me.
I’m really really really going to think about your words, Jenny. I don’t think I’ve allowed myself to hope in a long time.
Mandy — We’re so very thankful for you, your words, your heart to share your life and your walk alongside Christ. In that same breath, our heart breaks for you. Whether it helps or not in this moment or any other, just know that we lift you up in prayer. We’re praying for your hopes, your dreams and most of all, for your heart. We love you!
Thank y’all for praying. Really.
i love it that you don’t know how this story will end. how beautiful and exciting to not know the ending.
i love you. and i love hope.
hope is what makes it all worth it.
you amaze me.
You have a “real” Hope… I don’t know if I have either.
here and reading.
reading through the post, then the comments and replies makes my heart sad and I want to hug you.
Thank you. You know. I thought I was honest enough with the posts themselves. Then I find myself saying things in the comments that I didn’t have the guts to write in the post. Irony.
I do the same thing…. comment on blogs in a way that I would never be able to put into an “official” post. Feels safer, less obvious, because there is the chance that not EVERYONE will read it.
At some point in the past week, I seriously considered going back and deleting something I wrote somewhere in one of my replies to you…. But, eh, I’ll leave it.
This is a beautifully written ending to this series, Mandy.
Don’t be afraid to hope, friend. Hope and wish are two very different things.
Leave the wishing behind if you must, but never, ever let go of hope.
Love you. SO proud of you.
Love you too!
All I’m gonna say is love you guys and praying for you.
Thank you Prudence. I’ve lost track of who’s praying for us… But I know you’re faithful in that. Thank you
God knows the desires of our hearts. And though the things we want may not happen in our time frame, they do happen in His time. I have to remind myself of this on a daily basis.
Continuing to pray for you & Drew. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Michelle
Mandy – You don’t know me but we share a similar truth. Hope hurts!
My story is different than yours. My problem is not getting pregnant, it is staying pregnant. After losing three children, hope is hard. You are brave to share your story. Even some of my closest friends don’t like or aren’t comftorable to talk about my ordeal. At times it is hard for me to admit/talk about my experience.
I will keep you in my prayers during your journey.
Kathleen:
This hurts my heart. I’m shaken by the number of women who have echoed similar stories. Any experience of losing a baby is such a nightmare… And, yes, I too understand how hard it can be to talk about it. And how some people just don’t want to know the ugly truth. We are marred. Scarred. And have backs turned to our pain. There’s no greater rejection than someone rejecting us for something we are victim to. I’m so sorry that your friends aren’t supportive. I understand that. And it does hurt.
BTW, when I said I would pray for you and Drew… I am praying for your journey…wherever that leads. It can become a rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions that can feel like a monthly shot to the heart.
“And all I can afford to hope for is peace in the midst of this reality. And hope for a healthy heart. And hope for rest.”
I hear that.
Praying for you in the reality of where you are…
Thank you Cheryl. Especially for the direction of your prayers… For being sensitive to our roller-coaster. And for acknowledging where we are.
Hi Mandy, I came to your site via Jenny Rain Schmidt’s “Friday Favorites.” I was honored to have her include me in her Friday blog too! We’ve been trying to start a family for nearly 3 years. In fact, it will be 3 years in June. We have tried it all, except IVF. I finally found a fertility group that holds my same pro-life views. Their method is called the Creighton method and it has a much higher success rate than IVF. I have a blog article on it, and you can skip down to the end of it where I have links to FertilityCare and the Creighton info. They have charting classes. I do them by phone because my husband is in the military and we’re all over the place this year because he’s training to fly a new plane. I have great hope with this group, and have such peace with them, but we’re also looking into adoption because we want 3 kids. Anyway, he’s a link to my post http://bigtoepeople.xanga.com/727354251/if-life-begins-at-conception/ and I really feel you. To God be the Glory as he asks us, “Do you love me anyway?” “Yes. Yes, Lord. I really do.”
Kris:
I’m so glad you have a support group in place, if only to be understood. I’ve found similar relationships recently, and those women and their understanding hearts has really helped ground me. I will check out that article you wrote. Thank you for linking it.
Thank you for stopping by. And for sharing.
~m
Thinking about it now, I kind of regret sharing my own story during this series (though there is more to it).
It’s difficult to explain precisely why, but I just wish I hadn’t…
I can’t assume to know why… Not at all. But I do know that there are certain experiences in life – the ones that sit painfully close to our hearts – that are rather hard to share with others. These experiences aren’t nearly as impacting to others as they are to us; and, consequently, the response of others may not mirror or confirm or sympathize with ours… It’s hard not to feel a sense of negation.
There’s a risk in sharing deep pain. Always a risk.
Mandy,
I’ve not been on any blogs in a while and I just decided to stop in. I’m so sorry. I cannot even begin to imagine. But I know you know that God can imagine and knows what it feels like to lose a child in a traumatic way. You will be in my prayers.
Romans 15:13 I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Thank you, Danielle. Yeah… Welcome to my world.
Hi Mandy,
I’m so sorry that you have had this experience. A couple of my sisters had the same experience 1 loosing and birthing little Matthew at 5 months…3 other nieces or nephews as well. One day, I’ll get to meet them in Heaven, what a precious time that will be! My sisters had a difficult time and you’re right it’s not easy, but God’s Grace helped them over come.
You’re in my prayers.
Love,
Em
Mandy….
) I have been away from your posts for awhile just sat down to read all of “The Waiting” and many …. many of the comments and replies.
hello twitter friend.
I come in agreement >>> Your transparency and authenticity is a treasure and deep blessing. We all desire and need such a gift. Thank you!
Though this “waiting” and the process of it has been more than painful I can see how the Lord has used every bit of it to reach the hearts of others. Thank you for (though NOT AT ALL WANTING TO) being the pen to write this part of life’s story that is written for many women. Hannah was written for many of us and Now … Now He has been using You. I am so so sorry for the pain that it has caused you and your husband…. not to mention the anger and grieving you both must have gone through. You are not alone and now you’ve let others know they are not alone either. I have shed some tears and my heart has ached through this with each of you.
Here’s a piece of my complicated story…
My husband and i have been married for 12 years. I have been tested and documented infertile since I was in my early 20′s. I am now 33 and still no “natural” children. Having said that I can say that (though hind sight being 20/20) I can see not having such little blessings filling my womb has been with purpose. I am a firm believer that the Lord is sovereign and everything has purpose even when we don’t see or understand. see… my husband… my best friend… chose to separate and live a different life nearly 2 years ago. I am still standing for my marriage and can honestly say that I can’t imagine what I would be doing if children were in the mix. He has also provided me many other “children” from teaching. ministry, and friends/family. Though it is not the same, I have chosen to be a part of many births, pregnancies, and children’s lives for my own heart. I say that completely understanding that the way I handle my heart is very unique.
I am not going to lie and say that I don’t long for or desire to have children …. because I do. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember. Mommying comes very natural to me. The time where my hearts cry was illuminated the most was when my baby-sister was delivering her first baby. I celebrated and encompassed her with love & support. She was in a very long labor delivery and asked for me (the only person besides her husband). The beauty of that time was she desperately wanted to give me as much as she could to experience every moment. I was very grateful and also VERY torn…. longing. It was beautiful and tragic all at once…. I am the eldest… I should have “prepared the way”… but it wasn’t me. I have to take this moment and work in this day and just know that God is who he says he is. I cry, yell, wait… I wait for His perfect time and purpose.
You have delivered the most amazing gift to SO MANY women…. HONESTY and AUTHENTICITY in a broken heart that still HOPES and ENDURES. Thank you!!! I will be lifting you and your husband (your marriage) in prayer. I know that Lord is going to overflow your cup with blessings beyond what you could have imagine. Again Thank you SOOOO much!
Jeannette – thank you for these words – and for sharing a portion of your story to connect with mine. My heart is grieved that this is your path as well… I sit here and shake my head at all the women who have come out of the woodwork in the course of this conversation… It hurts me. It reminds me. It brings it all right back… But there is a sisterhood forming. A great cloud of witnesses around us. We are loved and prayed for through this process.
I’m so sorry to hear about your marriage – but am thankful that you are still standing for it.
And thank you for speaking about your experience with your sister. I’m sure I will see those younger than me pave the way to grandchildren for my family. And I have no idea how to prepare for that moment.
Blessings to you and thank you so much,
m
I am so blessed that my heart and yours can connect with others. There is a sisterhood in this and what I have been learning over the years is that the Lord has a POWERFUL purpose in it all. The the longing is great… my Longing for HIM is even greater. I believe and stand on His Word and choose to see Him in the moments even the aching ones. It is the way He shows Himself to a broken world. So watching how so many are still praising him when we don’t get “the desire of [our] heart[s]” at this time is amazing. May your heart be lifted to sour like the eagles even though your body (and mind) walk THROUGH the valley. I
{i was reminded recently … it is in the valley the lush grass is found and the best time to be fed …… I pray you’re fed and able to share with others His mercy,grace, and all consuming love with others while you are in the valley}
I’m so blessed the Lord has crossed our paths and have the opportunity to become friends.
) Thank you also for praying for me and my marriage. I will have to share that with you another time… maybe in my own blog… he he he he. 
) Hugs to you and many blessings
I admire your faith in all this… I do.
i love you. praying for you.
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