But What if I Don’t Want the Gift?

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I woke up thinking about some things that were shared at small group last night. Thinking about whether or not I truly believe that God loves me. Thinking about if I’ve seen/felt/known His love in an unconditional way…

How would I know if He loves me? (cue Whitney Houston, sorry)… My mind, in its half-asleep pre-dawn stupor, jumped to the verse where God being gives good gifts to His children. That’s what good fathers do, right? Right. So there’s something good that I can find in it all. There’s something good.

(Granted, in writing this, it sparks the cynic in me once again: “Children are a gift from God.” Well… Thanks.)

But, back to those “good gifts” thoughts that weren’t yet shadowed by my reality: has He given me any? In the midst of walking through infertility, has He given me anything that I can be thankful for? That I can say “Thank you God” for? My mind immediately turned to songwriting.

I would not be where I am on this road to being a songwriter if it weren’t for this season of nothingness in my life… Granted, I’m not far along on any semi-professional songwriting level, but I’ve grown a lot in my understanding of myself as a creative. And I’ve truly come to embrace and foster that chunk of my personality. And I’m committed to that element of my life. It’s who I am on a core level.

Even thought I didn’t ask for it, this part of my growth would not have occurred if I were given what I wanted by now.

So I’m trying to believe that God has a plan for my songwriting. And, in the midst of the “Why haven’t You?” or “Do You even love me?” I’m trying to find a place in my heart that says “Thank you God.”

28 thoughts on “But What if I Don’t Want the Gift?”

  1. I about stopped reading this half way through so I could come knock some since into you.

    Then you mentioned your song writing. Which has blessed so many. Even Hector has helped people laugh…

    You are deeply loved by God, and your pain and trials will always be turned to His good..

    Peace and Love

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  2. “And, so, today, in the midst of the “Why haven’t You?” or “Do You even love me?” I’m trying to find a place in my heart that says “Thank you God.”"

    I’m right there with you. In the midst of my own struggles, with my wife and my talking about separation, with the fact that I’m struggling to forgive a church that hurt me…. I’m trying to find the same place in my own heart ….

    We don’t want you in the dark, friends, about how hard it was …. It was so bad we didn’t think we were going to make it. We felt like we’d been sent to death row, that it was all over for us. As it turned out, it was the best thing that could have happened. Instead of trusting in our own strength or wits to get out of it, we were forced to trust God totally—not a bad idea since he’s the God who raises the dead! 2 Corinthians 1:8,9ish (Message)

    I’ve been stuck at this verse…. I don’t know if I can ever say that my emotional affairs and the fall out from them were the ‘best thing that could have happened.’ I wish I could reverse time and undo all the damage I’ve caused. But I have seen how I have grown, I have seen how Lesanne has grown…. and for >that I guess I have to be able to say, “Thank you God.”

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    • I agree… I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say “This was the best thing that could have happened.” nope.
      Not at all…

      BUT, I do believe in redemption. And I heard someone VERY wise once say that God is a God of life, not death, and that He will not let a death just be a death, but pulls life out of it in some way.
      That…. THAT gave me a glimmer of hope.

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  3. Even thought I didn’t ask for it, this part of my growth would not have occurred if I were given what I wanted by now.

    Yeah, I know this thought well.

    Your songwriting is helping you help others. Creative works gives us, both the artist and the art appreciator, a glimpse of *the* creator. I know knowing this truth doesn’t make up for the pain. I know.

    I’m going to an open mic tonight at Ebenezers Coffee House in DC… (actually, my poet friend Chris has been hounding me and is dragging me out.) What don’t you fly up here and get on the list? haha.

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  4. I think, for me, it has been about learning to want what He wants for me, more than what I wanted for myself. It’s a tall order and I don’t say that flippantly. But my joy has truly come from Him finding His joy in me rather than me finding my joy in what I desired.

    It doesn’t mean I don’t long for different, it just means I find peace in fulfilling rather than understanding.

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    • @gitz: so beautifully said =]

      @mandy: i pray that you will find words to write beautiful songs in the midst of your pain just like david did when he wrote most of the psalms…his words of praise in the midst of pain still speaks to us today… and i pray that your song will be a song that generations will sing to continue to praise. hope. and love Him.

      “He gives and takes away….blessed be His name”

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  5. The gift of faith is hope for the future. So the question is do we have hope in the future?

    We also can’t judge faith, or our lives, by single events. So that leads to the question, looking at our lives up to the present do we feel blessed?

    I am the self centered Atheist. I still see the miracle of life all around me. I feel very blessed to be a part of it.

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  6. I don’t know what to say except this blog is an amazing confession of humanity. Your words mirror my thoughts. Glad I found you online. I would totally chose to be ignorant of this side of life, but I also think I am different person because of it. And we get to join the ranks with many who have fought with God and lost. I wonder if that is a good ranking to be in? It’s not a real relationship without sacrifice, fighting and truth right? Maybe we are truly chosen. I don’t know really…

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  7. So, mandygirl, I just reconnected with a friend this week after reading your story. We had not been connected for awhile. Anyway, she shared her story with me. It was also about infertility.

    Can I just tell you how incredibly grateful I am to you for posting THIS series of posts this last couple of weeks? I felt SO much more able to respond in compassion because you risked sharing.

    the timing of all of it… your sharing, and then my reconnection with my friend… it was SUCH a God thing.

    thank you.

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  8. How do you know that God loves you? Because He sent Jesus to die for you. Because His son, His ONLY son, died for you. Imagine the pain you experienced with the death of a child…. God went through that pain Himself, for you. Chose it for you because He loves you.
    Of course I know you know that, but it’s good to be reminded. Even when everything around you is awful, and you want to ask “What has God done to show me He loves me?”… He sent His son to die for you. He showed it that time, and He will show it again (Psalm 42– “Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God”..)
    Romans 8:32: “He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not also with him freely give us all things?”

    That thought above? Wasn’t mine. It came from an amazing video that you need to watch by Louie Giglio. I’m serious. BE WARNED : BRING TISSUES. You will cry. They’re called “When Life Hurts the Most”….

    Here’s the first part:
    The Anchor of Hope:
    http://www2.northpointministries.org/player/player_old.jsp?occurrenceID=2197

    Here’s the second part:
    The Megaphone of Hope
    http://www2.northpointministries.org/player/player_old.jsp?occurrenceID=2198

    If those don’t work, I’ll get other links, but I can’t get on facebook right now (where my friend sent me the videos).
    You can buy it here:
    http://www.christiancinema.com/catalog/product_info.php?products_id=2325

    You’re an amazingly strong person. Keep trusting Him. :)

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  10. Okay.. I don’t think it posted.
    This entire post is directly what Louie Giglio talks about in his series on Hope: When Life Hurts the Most.

    He says that many people say, “How can God love me when my best friend/sister/mom/etc died?” or such and such happened. He counters with: Where do you see God’s love? In the death of His own son for you. He sent His son to die for you. Focus on the cross.

    Here’s part 1, the Anchor of Hope:
    http://www2.northpointministries.org/player/player_old.jsp?occurrenceID=2197

    Here’s part 2, the Megaphone of Hope:
    http://www2.northpointministries.org/player/player_old.jsp?occurrenceID=2198

    WARNING: BRING TISSUES. I SOBBED the first time I watched it. It’s so worth it. Watch it.
    You’re such a strong person.

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  11. (When you get a little ways into Part 1, Giglio starts reading a letter about a guy whose sister died and how He’s mad at God and questions whether He’s good)…

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  13. Pingback: It’s Better than the Alternative… « mandythompson.com

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