This still makes me laugh:
I don’t know about you, but I could use a laugh today.
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Monthly Archives: May 2010
The Waiting: 2. The Real Reason Why I Quit Seminary
Hello, my name is Mandy. And I’m a Seminary dropout.
I spent one semester as a student. Then quit. That was three years ago. I know I’ve told many people that I quit seminary because I decided I didn’t want to pursue Christian Counseling. Yes. This is true. But, I also quit seminary so we could start a family.
Three years ago.
Three years.
Seminary is prime breeding ground – a perfect quaint little community where future-ministers start their little families. In fact, they all jokingly say “don’t drink the water,” because it seems like everyone has babies at seminary.
But, not everyone.
Not us.
And not for lack of trying.
Even though we planned to adopt, we just couldn’t afford it during seminary. It’s very expensive. Very. And it’s cheaper to just make a baby.
I know I mentioned that I never really dreamed of becoming a mom. That was still true. Even in the decision to start a family. Even while we were trying to get pregnant. Even then, I wasn’t sold on the idea. This is such a radically important detail in this whole story. Don’t miss it, because that hesitation will eventually lead to guilt. Think about that while you click this link for “cognitive dissonance” and try to imagine my emotions from month to month. Cognitive dissonance will make someone crazy.
I know I’m not the only woman who’s questioned whether or not she wanted to be a mom. But, most women who face that uncertainty only deal with it for a few months, and then the question is quickly answered when they see a little pink plus on the stick.
I kept asking myself if I really wanted this, from month to month… for eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen months…
Seventeen months of trying – waiting – wondering – fearing – hoping – praying, but not knowing if I even wanted it.
Anyway, sticking with the plan of trying to get pregnant, we headed to the Doctors for assistance… And that’s when things drastically changed.
About “Mother’s Day”…
Well… now that you all know, you’ll probably figure out that Mother’s Day can be a hard day for me.
And you know how the whole church service might be about moms? Try to be a secretly-infertile worship leader on that Sunday.
This year I won’t be leading worship. I’ll be doing my thing in the tech booth. Tucked away. Not worrying if anyone can read it on my face. (But, well-loved Chapel-people, please don’t get too huggy on Sunday. I gotta maintain my composure. I work there.)
And, don’t get too worried either, because I don’t think it’s going to hurt as bad this year. Let me tell you why.
I recently had a conversation with my mom that really changed things for me. We were in the car, and we often have our best conversations in the car. Takes me back to when I was a kid and we’d go shopping together and we’d talk in the car.
Anyway, we were talking about the “new” me. The “Post-Seminary” me. The “I’ve been through some tough stuff in the past few years” me… And, you know what she said to me? She said that she can tell all this crap has really changed me. That I came back from seminary a different person. A better person. A stronger person.
She said I came back as a woman.
I’m a woman. A woman.
And even though I’m not a mom, I can still be a woman. Because my mom said so.
With or without kids, that’s means a lot.
THE WAITING: 1. BEFORE THE BEGINNING
Four years ago, around the time seminary was starting up, we wandered into the discovery that we both wanted to adopt. I looked out the window. He drove. And we talked. And adoption came up. And neither one of us knew the other wanted it. But once it flew out of one’s mouth, the other latched on. Our casual conversation turned into a life-changing moment.
We were three or so years into our marriage. And, you’d think, like every female with love in her heart and a devoted man in her bed, I would’ve initiated the “let’s start a family” conversation by then…
But I hadn’t.
I was never the little girl with a box of dress-up clothes, bed full of dolls, detailed dreams of her wedding day, and baby-names already picked out. For whatever reason, I never dreamed of becoming a mom.
But, that’s neither here nor there, because I’m dreaming those dreams now. Actually, I’ve been dreaming them for years.
Emphasis on the word years.
And all those years ago, when we had that adoption conversation, we didn’t know the road ahead. We didn’t know that, soon after, we would decide to make-a-baby before we adopted. And, well, we didn’t know just how difficult that road would be for us.
So, here are the facts: We’ve been married 7 years. We want to adopt. We also want to give birth. We haven’t been able to do either, yet. And that’s not easy to deal with.
Over the weeks to come, I’m going to put experience and emotion to those facts. Telling a story that is still fresh. That is still raw. And that I’ve never publicly shared (even though some of you well-loved readers, friends, and family know the highlights already and have carried me through much).
I’m writing for two reasons:
- Nobody ever talks about infertility.
- I don’t ever talk about our infertility. But I need to.
So. If you know someone who is struggling or has struggled with this issue, send ‘em my way. And we’ll talk about it, because we need to.
Welcome to “The Waiting.”
“Perfecting the Art of Laughter”
Last night, somewhere between Books-A-Million and home, I decided that if I ever wrote a memoir I’d title it “Perfecting the Art of Laughter.”
What would you call yours?
