Someone very influential in my life recently asked me how my life has been impacted by our infertility struggles. Here are just a few of the things I told her:
- Our marriage is stronger – because we clung to each other.
- I realized that, in some ways, I’m stronger than I thought.
- Definitely realized my faith is weaker than I thought.
- I know that there are no guarantees in life.
- I can help others who are dealing with similar struggles.
- I’ve discovered who I am as a person, outside of what I contribute to society.
- I’m a more devoted songwriter.
- [dare I say it] I have more time to do whatever the heck I want.
That last one sent waves of guilt and perceived selfishness through my conscience. I even said out loud that I shouldn’t really say that, because it’s wrong to say some things are better because of this. And how can I say I’m sad that we don’t have kids, and yet say that I’m glad about certain things because we don’t have kids? It was crazy-making.
But she said that’s normal. It’s normal to simultaneously feel sad and glad about something. Granted, I’m nowhere near being more glad than sad, but I’m starting to see how life would be different. I acknowledge that.
So here I sit. Examining the path that I’ve found myself catapulted onto because of our infertility, and maybe one day – maybe one day soon – my eyes will be opened to Divine benefits of life’s circumstances. I’m ready to find out why in the world this was allowed to happen. God is not a God of death, but of life… I’ll never forget the night I heard Beth Moore say that. & I’m starting to expect redemption to come sweeping in like a tsunami… I’m beginning to believe that one day I will be able to say that what was meant for evil in my life, God turned into good.
I can’t wait for the day.
Mandy-
What well written words. Thanks for sharing what is probably some of the deepest parts of your heart. It has been my experience and opinion that it is tough to be a Christian woman and not be a mother. The church screams family and in one Mother’s Day sermon I have heard it said “The highest calling of a Christian woman is to be a mother.” So where does it leave those women who do not find themselves able to fulfill this calling? Does God not equip those He calls? A barren womb does not stop one’s life from being fruitful and faithful. Okay- I know I am preaching and I’m just getting started…just know that I appreciate your words…my heart is coming into the room where yours is and sittting next to yours- listening and reaching over to hug yours. I am praying that between now and when “the day” comes that you will know and witness to God turning what was meant for evil into good- that God will comfort your heart, strengthen your inner being, fill your soul with music and He will convince you that you are not crazy. You are beautiful. Thanks for letting Christ in you bless us.
Karen:
Thank you for your words… Really. I’m honored and blessed to read them. I’m thankful for a number of influential Godly women like you who have recently come around me and mentored me and loved me and picked me up out of the ashes. Now the “dusting off” begins.
Here it is, this was what I was hoping you were going to learn when you told your story.
Really proud of you! Love!
Love you too Keri!! I’m not so sure if I’m “learning” this or just accepting it. But either way, it’s starting to sink into my heart.
really really love this post and really really proud of you for it.
You are certainly inspiring to me and my similar struggles. So glad I found your blog — I think Google may have recommended it!
haha!! That’s awesome and funny. I love sensitive jokes.
Our daughter and son-in-law struggled with this same issue. We encouraged them but never pressured them to do anything other than what they believed God wanted them to do. They have now been married 16 years. They have two international adopted children (Russia & China) and one biological child. We feel blessed as do they. But that was their decision.
We’re working through our own decisions, too, Papa. While trying to get me in a healthy place through all of this.
Mandy – thank you for your honesty. There have been many times in my adult life that I have wondered the same thing about myself and my life as a Christian woman. Have I missed out on the “most important” event of a Christian woman’s life? After much soul searching and crying out – I have discovered that in my life in ministry and other events – I have “birthed” new life through Jesus. There are younger women out there in the world who love Jesus because He allowed me to influence and share with those women the life of the One who gave us life. I see those gifts in you. You are an amazing and wonderful young woman who is influencing the world with your life, your music and the gifts that our sweet Lord has given you. love ya girlie girl!
I miss your face! Would love to get together and just hang!
And I have a magazine to return to you!!!
Oh Mandy, this is one of most favorite posts you have written. Not a hint of resignation! You are resilient and empowered. Wow. Thank you for not becoming bitter. Thank you for seeing the positive when the negative could dominate. Thank you for standing up for the truth.
Angie, I don’t want to give the impression that I haven’t been embittered or given up. Because I have. I don’t feel resilient… I feel like I’m clawing for a sense of peace in life.
Miss you, friend. Thank you for sharing your heart.
I miss you too, Miss Nashville!!
Sweet Mandy,
Thank you so much for sharing a glimpse into your heart. I have a story of my own and would love to share with you some day. God is good, God is faithful, and God loves to answer our prayers! I will certainly be in prayer for you during this time… We can always grab a glass of water somewhere!!!
I know you!!
I always get sad when I hear that others have stories… All I know is that often means lots of pain…
Thank you Kim. For your words and prayers.
“I can’t wait for the day.”
I can’t wait to share that day with you.
God is good on all he does. You are so loved: your journey is an example and blessing to so many others.
I can’t wait to see what comes of it, either.
“Redemption roaring in like tsunami…?”
Reminds me of: “…like a flood, His mercy reigns…unending love…Amazing grace.”
I heard that song recently–the flood part, and everybody knows how much I just love a good flood–and my eyes popped out of my skull.
“Like a flood,” indeed.
Geez.
That. Hit. Me. HARD.
Whew!