We’ve gotten to know each other around here. But we still don’t know everything. And there’s no way we know each other’s secrets.
But, we find ways of telling them on the internet, don’t we? I have them, too. And I don’t share all of them in these posts. But sometimes I’ll type out something in a comment on some blog–and leave it in a comment in some other corner of the blogosphere, knowing that most eyes will never see it. Why do I do that? Because it feels good to get it out there anyway. It feels good to release it–release myself from its hold. It becomes powerless. Benign. And I am free from it.
I read this powerful list of confessions. Here’s an excerpt:
What if I told you…
i’m glad he died.
What if I told you…
i was scared for my life, many times.
What if I told you…
how much showing weakness scares the hell out of me.
What if today was a day where you could get it out? Type it out. Let it go. And walk away from it. Leave it anonymously – with a fake email address that won’t link back to your avatar, like nonsense@anons.com. But leave it. And walk away. We don’t have to know who you are.
Finish this sentence: What if I told you ____________
**UPDATE**
Thank you for reading this–for being here–for praying for those who have commented–and for commenting. I can’t believe the response that has come from this so far… It’s my bedtime, but I will check back first thing in the morning. Keep the confessions rolling. I pray this is a moment of release for those who need it.
** UPDATE TWO**
Bedtime again, but this conversation is still alive, so I’m going to let it run its course for another night. There are so many confessions that have been poured out in this. And so many people have been praying. I’ve lost count. I think dozens of people are praying. So say what you need to say, and if you need to get some life-level help, please get in touch with me. mandy[at]mandythompson.com… There are people out there who want to help.
What if I told you that I am not really in love with my husband any more. No matter how hard he tries, I just do not love him anymore.
As hard as that was to read, I’m glad that you found a place to say that… My heart goes out to you.
What if I told you that I was taken from my church after choir practice when I was a child by a molester and left at a kmart parking lot with money to call my parents. I was 7 years old. I have never told anyone about it. I know that the lord sent a supernatural real live angel to save me from certain death. Thanks for letting me get this out.
He left me in the parking lot after taking me somewhere else to molest me.
I’m so so sorry. There is a catharsis in just letting it out–getting it out of us. As life-changing as that kind of nightmare is, I hope that memory doesn’t have as much power over you now.
What if I told you that I feel inept and weary the majority of the time.
What if I told you that I would be very nervous to meet you because I admire you so much.
…I would tell you that I would be nervous to meet you as well, since I’m most certain that I would not live up to your expectations. I’m as human as the rest of ‘em…
I don’t trust anyone anymore. My trust was betrayed by the very people I thought would hold it to the end. Hearing “I am not…” so much makes me start to believe it.
I know better, but I have not prayed in ages, and self-medicate with porn and masturbation.
I felt discarded by everyone – even God.
I just want to have sex with someone else – just once – to let me know that I’m still attractive – and that I can still perform. As ‘self medicating’ as porn is, it’s not enough when I miss having (and holding) a real life person….
All the rejection issues I have had as a teenager are flooding back.
There are so many layers to this, Anon… Betrayal and rejection are so hard to recover from. All the “sunday school” answers are flooding to my mind as fast as the rejection issues are flooding yours. But, I’m setting all that aside to say I’m glad you shared this. And I hope that, in getting this out, these secrets will not have such a hold… I believe that there exists a love that covers a multitude of sins, and I pray that someday that love will be made known to you. Thank you for sharing in this tiny corner of the blogosphere.
But, I’m setting all that aside to say I’m glad you shared this. And I hope that, in getting this out, these secrets will not have such a hold… I believe that there exists a love that covers a multitude of sins, and I pray that someday that love will be made known to you.”
I hope so.
“Thank you for sharing in this tiny corner of the blogosphere.”
Thanks for the opportunity. Can I have another confession? I think I stopped myself …. rather than letting everything out. I think I’m scared – even here … of the rawness … of my emotions at times. I’m afraid if I let ppl in too close they’ll hurt me, crush my heart and leave.
I went out to try to find something to do as I was bored and lonely and felt so boring that I couldn’t find anything to do – was even considering going to a strip club, but didn’t at the last minute.
I wish that I could turn on the feelings for my estranged spouse that are supposed to be there – but …. I don’t know how.
Wish I wasn’t so scared of being hurt that I bottled up how I really felt inside…..
I’m glad you came back to share more–and to already show how this little exchange has helped. Maybe this momentary, risk-free “unbottling” will make your heart a bit lighter over the next few days.
Now I feel like crying…but I can’t. No one to explain how I feel to… so I have to bottle it up … AGAIN. One more confession …. I wrote below about God’s calling and ministry in a new comment because I wanted it to look like someone else. … Still afraid that ppl will push me away…
I wish I could get a hug :’(
There are a lot of people around here who wish they could hug you… And it’s ok that you came back and left a different confession altogether. My guess is that you’re not the only one who has. No pushing away here. Come back as often as you’d like.
What if I told you I told you I feel like I’m cursed.
I’m semi happy in my marriage, but I don’t feel emotionally or physically satisfied.
What if I told you I have intimacy issues because I was molested for years and still find the thought of sex nasty.
What if I told you I don’t think God loves me. I want to believe but I can’t
I’m sitting here on my couch, reading these words as Buzz Lightyear and the toys try to save Woody–running across a TV screen that I have completely tuned out. And my heart is being wrecked by the honesty that all of you are displaying tonight. I typed this post earlier today thinking “eh–I’ll throw this out there, but nothing will come of it.” And here you are…
I don’t even want to tie a pretty bow on all that is being shared, because I know that’s not why these comments are coming. But I do want you to know that these are impacting me and others who I know are reading and praying. These words. These confessions. These lives.
And I hope that, as we absorb these secrets in the comment box of this blog, a sense of hope will wash over you as you leave the confessions here.
i can relate to the intimacy issues…i don’t think my husband had a clue as to what he was getting himself into when he married me. but his patience, understanding, & carefulness have been the only redeeming factors i’ve ever experienced sexually…it’s a long & slow road, but it remains a work in progress for the both of us.
What if I told you that…I love to sing but, my husband won’t let me. I used to lead worship and sing a lot! I feel empty. Music was my life. I often resent my marriage and even my kids because of it. I stay home…and stay home…hidden. I feel like God’s gift of music is a waste in my life. I just wish I couldn’t sing at all. When I see my brother sing…I cry because I am not aloud to sing with him. I don’t want to live a life of regrets but, I do.
What if I told you that as much as I have cried over infertility and been pissed off at God and life, I am afraid that motherhood will prevent me from being the musician and songwriter that I want to be… I am scared that my life will turn out much like you’ve described yours. And I feel like the worst hypocrite for wanting and not wanting, all at the same time.
What if I told you that I’m really sick and tired of the people who twist the Scriptures to justify their sinful behavior and then attack those who point it out by saying they’re intolerant or some other derogatory name. Look, I think you’re wrong in what you’re doing or saying. It doesn’t mean I hate you, it doesn’t mean I think you’re a horrible person and I’m not condemning you. I just think you’re wrong in what you’re saying. And sometimes things are WRONG. Grow a set of balls and accept the fact that someone else doesn’t agree with you or your actions without trying to destroy them for horrific crime of disagreeing with you.
To lighten the mood, I wish I could say that you’re wrong about people who do that.
But… sadly… I can’t. They are out there. And they make it very hard to be “unlike” them, and even harder to like them.
What if I told you have so much unidentified rage inside me that I sometimes I really just want to HURT someone?
What if I told you I’m not sure I love the person I married, or whether I ever have?
And what if I told you that I feel like I have to pretend everything is OK because I’m afraid that if I admit it’s not, I’ll lose my place in ministry?
Whew… That last one got me. And, I can relate.
I can SO relate to your last comment….
I think everyone in ministry relates to this at some point – and this has been my season for the last couple of years. The weight of it is too much sometimes.
I wish I had someone that I felt completely safe enough with to share it all – to let it all out without the fear of it coming back to haunt me.
Thanks for creating this opportunity to be authentic in a safe way.
You’re welcome, Shari. I’m overwhelmed by what is happening here. Didn’t see this one coming.
I know the Word says that the ‘gifts and callings of God are irrevocable’ but hearing I shouldn’t minister by so many people for so long … made me stop my blog – and that was the one thing that made it all worthwhile, seeing God work and telling everyone about it. Now … my blog sits like a barren wasteland and the one who told me she hates my blog seems to have won out.
I’m so sorry to read this, since I know what an outlet blogging can be, and how it can really touch others’ lives. Glad you could share this here.
then write for Jesus.
What if I told you that I love you and I love your heart? Your doing a good thing here, girl. Praying for everyone tonight (including you).
Thank you Nicole.
Oh my gosh – I read the post about your pastor first before I read this one… Mandy this is amazing…this might also explain why you were on my heart earlier tonight… assuming that people are still commenting.
this is beautiful.
What If I told you I always feel like i’m not enough, I’m awkward and boring. What if I told you I think to much and cant trust anyone.
As short as this little confession is, I can see that it’s packed with information. And, what’s worse, I’m sure there are things in life that have planted these feelings in you… I don’t know the backstory, but I’m sorry. I’m glad this has been a safe place for you to write out those two sentences. And maybe this safe place will help you find the courage to reach out to a safe place in real life. Unfortunately, nobody is perfect (don’t you just resent that phrase and all the dismissals and excuses that come with it? but it’s true)… People hurt us. Even those with the best intentions. But with forgiveness comes freedom. And with freedom comes fearlessness… and trust… and vulnerability.
what if i told you i thought everyone that cares about me is too good to be true, and will walk away from my life at any given moment?
Thank you for writing this. Like the person above who can’t trust anyone, I’m sure it’s hard to second-guess and doubt all those that we love. But I know we know that there’s a love that never fails.
What if I told you I have so much emotion bottled inside of me and hidden deep inside that I’m honestly afraid to write and un-cork it…
hurt…
pain…
anger…
fear…
guilt…
jealousy…
where do you even start?
You start with baby steps…. you can accomplish anything in 15 minutes. Journaling helped me get through a lot of stuff and I would do it for 15 minutes at a time.
Well, lets start with anger.
I was raised in the church, understand it’s purpose and meaning in life. My wife however was not. She was raised almost anti-church. It’s been a long struggle to get us (my wife, kids and I) into a stable church environment.
I started 2010 as a worship leader. I read. I studied. 2010 was going to be the year that my family and I really made amazing. Things were happening and finally turning around.
February, I introduced a good friend and member of my church to my wife. He was my confidant. She saw how he was with me and wanted that with someone, so she started “venting” to him. He developed feelings, started talking to my wife and planting seeds. He turned her against me. She didn’t realize what was going on until we were looking at separate houses. He went to our pastor’s and told them I was abusive. He started trying to discipline my kids. The whole reason I introduced them was so she would start meeting that whole group of friends to have some more Christian friends.
We are still together but have never been the same. Our relationship will be ok for at most a week before we’re back on the rocks and talking about divorce again. I haven’t been able to bring myself to play guitar for more than maybe a half hour total since then. We’ve been to church maybe twice. Not only has this shown her what “real Christian friends” are like, she has pretty much signed church off her “to do…ever” list.
All because I trusted my friend to help introduce my wife to some new Christian friends.
Anger…
This was so incredibly hard to read… Not because it’s a tough story, but because it’s someone’s life. Someone’s wife. I’m so sorry this has happened. I read this and immediately thought: the Church’s worst enemy is itself. We are the weakest link in the Body of Christ. Why did He choose US to represent Him on earth? Didn’t He see failings like this coming?
Thank you for coming back and starting with anger. I can’t even imagine how you’d fill in the rest of the words. But I’m glad you started with anger.
Oh. And can I also just say that I’m glad you’re still married. As hard as it is. There are couples out there who have been through terrible terrible ordeals… But they managed to stick together.
You may find hope in stories like sarahmarkley.com (a dear friend of mine who cheated), jenniclayville.com (another friend, in ministry, who cheated), and cindybeall.com (who’s husband, in ministry, cheated). All of these marriages are still in tact. Powerful stories…
The biggest thing for me through all this is that I just can’t seem to get 100% back on my feet. There’s always something I’m failing at. I used to have friends. I was “huge” on twitter and facebook. I’ve read Sarah’s story and Jenni’s story. You and I have a lot of friends and have even talked a time or two. There has been infidelity in our relationship but not in this instance. He definitely tried going that direction though. We are still in tact, but it has been a struggle.
I’ll keep it to one emotion today, but it has been great to be able to verbalize and express my feelings. It shows that I need to do it much more often.
Mandy, thank you.
“It shows that I need to do it much more often.” I think that is the takeaway today… More than anything else, this has undeniably shown me that we need safe places to get things off our chest… Oh how we need to get things off our chest. If there is anyone in your life who you can sit down and talk with, find a way to do it.
What if I told you that I have cried many times reading your blog about fertility and so desperately want to reach out to you and be a “real life” friend, but am afraid because I think you will reject me because we don’t “run” in the same crowds.
What if I told you I feel like a junior high girl for what I just wrote.
I’ve thought a lot about this comment. Thank you for writing it. And for reading my story. And for hurting with me… It means a lot.
When the confessions started pouring in last night, I told myself that I wasn’t going to try to “fix” things… I wasn’t going to give advice or pat answers or anything like that. Then I read this and thought: “I can fix this. We can meet up. We can be friends.”
And we could. And I’m totally open to meeting you. From the way your comment sounds, we may know each other in passing in real life… So, I don’t think it would be hard to connect over coffee or something.
But, the truth is, I know how things would pan out. I’m pretty sure I would disappoint you. Not that I would reject you because we’re in different circles. But, the truth is, I’d probably just be too busy to form a deep connected relationship… The truth is, I don’t give enough time to the relationships that I do have. And, if I were to invite a meeting-up between us, I would probably not be able to follow-up and connect with you as frequently as we’d both like, and would risk you thinking that I rejected you. When, in reality, I just didn’t make adequate time.
And I feel like a friend-failure for what I just wrote. I think I’m going to make some phone calls later today–do some reconnecting…
Thank you for posting this, if for no other reason than to hold a mirror to my face and help me see that I want my friendships to look differently than they do.
What if I told you that YES I really do hate my job, but for “political” reasons have to smile and say “It’s great where I work.”
Hhmm…. I’m thinking you may work at a church.
What if I told you that my husband emotionally abuses me? But I can’t leave my marriage because no one believes me to help.
I believe you. And I don’t just say that because it’s my job to say that here. I actually really really do believe you.
what if i told you: i feel i am never enough; not smart enough, not good enough, not pretty enough, not spiritual enough.
what if i told you: i feel so alone most of the time.
what if i told you: i feel invisible most of the time.
For this one moment, right here, where you typed this out, you’re not alone… You’re not invisible. There are a LOT of people reading these comments, more than I’ve seen hanging around at this blog in a long time, and they are reading. And they are praying. And they care. And you’re not invisible right now…
What if I told you…
That my dad is addicted to porn and doesn’t think that it’s a problem, and that I hate that I even know about it and want to throw up on him every time he tries to talk to me as if I never walked in on him looking at porn.
That my dad is also emotionally and verbally abusive to my mom and she recently threatened to leave him.
That I was proud of her for finally standing up for herself and now am angry with her for giving in to him again and believing his lies and agreeing to stay even though she is miserable.
And that now all I want to do is run away because I feel like we are playing “house” and my parents are trying to act like nothing is wrong in our family and no one is acknowledging that it’s affecting me and no one is allowing me to be angry about it. I just get scolded for having a bad attitude.
Thank you for posting this here.
I am a struggling pornography addict and have been since a young age. I do have a wife and a daughter as well as several sons. I have been trying to beat this for years and still relapse from time to time. I’m so sorry that you are being forced to deal with this. I can’t help but imagine my daughter feeling this way when she is older and it has really hit home.
It’s time for change.
I’m sorry.
what if I told you my husband is additcted to porn as well. Has sons and daughters and has just now after 7 years decided to come clean and get help. He’s 1 month ‘sober’. he’s getting help and realizing that he is loved and adored but his sin is not. what if i told you there is help and a whole world out there that would give their right arm to help you. what if i told you that you could be free?
freedomeveryday.org
oh my goodness… This is powerful. Seeing a daughter’s words and how it has inspired you to change. Thank you, both, for sharing this here in this public place. And for finding strength through this moment of sharing our weaknesses.
Thank you for being willing to make a change for your family.
I wish (and still hope and pray) that my dad will do the same. I am heartbroken that I will never again feel like “Daddy’s little girl” because of this. But I am thankful that you are giving your daughter the chance to keep that.
Thank you for your honesty. I will be praying for your strength to make changes.
My husband found freedom after a decade long addiction to porn that started when he was ten years old. We had to get rid of our internet. Because it was worth it. Because that addiction was taking its tole on our marriage in ways we didn’t even see- because I didn’t even know about his addiction until a year into our marriage.
There is hope.
Wive be patient and kind. It may be gross, but the clutches of porn are real. Do not shame him.
Husbands do whatever it takes to break that addiction. It’s like a poison rotting in your soul.
What if I told you…
That this could have been written by my own daughter. (And maybe it was…I just don’t know). As the wife and mother in a situation exactly like yours, let me assure you that your mom is struggling deeply; treading water and trying to keep from drowning. Her feelings of inadequacy are tearing her apart, and she feels very alone; as this is not a problem that you can share with family and friends. She understands your anger. The bible tells her she’s supposed to stay. Her heart is begging her to leave. She is drowning in her own fears. She loves you very much.
what if i told you that i understand as a wife to a porn addict. there’s help for you as well! even if your husband will not get help there is help for you. what if i told you i feel the same way heart and head collide often. what if i told you the shame I feel over the sin of my husband. but what if i also told you there was freedom and healing available? what if i told you there was hope?
freedomeveryday.org
Mother: Thank you for writing this–for sharing a bit of your own struggle. I hope this has been a place of release for you… And I hope Daughter returns and reads this. Something tells me she probably will…
Thank you for saying this.
I love you too, Mom.
Ok everyone I’be been here a few times today, I shut the computer and walked away because it was heavier than I am used to feeling when scanning blogs. But I came back to say that i am praying for all of you. The very first baby step has taken place torward healing, one of the most important ones- HONESTY. and Mandy, I’ve noticed that people seem to share deep things and dark places with you- noticed it years ago. and that red chair there… well, I have all sorts of ideas about that chair. too much to develop here. This is extremely interesting. Ile pray for wisdom and guidance and healing.
You know me, Cyle. You know that empty red chair is there for a reason. Thank you for praying, friend…
What if I told you that I don’t allow myself to have confidence? I really think that’s it. I’ve struggled with confidence/insecurity issues for a while now, and as much as I’ve tried to let go of them, they keep coming back. I don’t let myself be proud of what I do or my accomplishments, because I’m scared that I’ll look stupid if no one else is proud of me. I am constantly beating myself up, and telling myself that I have no talent, that I’m boring, that’s I’m the most annoying person in the world. And often I try to say it lightheartedly, so that others won’t think I’m whiny.
Maybe I just do that so that other people will tell me I’m wrong, and make me feel better. That’s the problem. I need OTHER people to tell me, but I refuse to tell myself. I know God loves me, but I don’t always feel completely satisfied in that. My heart feels it’s not enough, even though my mind knows 100% that it is. Being alone has become hard for me. I don’t get to hang out with friends all the time. I’m always the one who’s walking around places alone, watching other people make friends and build relationships. I feel like certain people don’t enjoy my company, when really I’m not doing my part in reaching out to them. What if I told you that I rarely begin conversations with people, especially online? I wait for them to talk to me first, because if not I feel like I’m bothering them. That’s how deep my insecurity has spread.
What if I told you I had this one friend, who I appreciate and truly care about A LOT. But I’ve ALWAYS felt like the feeling wasn’t mutual. I’m constantly doubting how much they care. I feel like I’m investing a lot of myself into them, but I’m not getting anything back. So sometimes I wish I didn’t love them so much. Because I’m SO scared that they are going to wake up one day and realize that I’m nothing special. The thought of losing them terrifies me, instead of letting God be enough.
Then there are a couple friends who really do care and love me back, and I know that for sure. But I put that other person above them, because I take their commitment for granted. I feel that since I’ve known them so long, and they’re always going to be there for me, I can afford to ignore them once in a while. I love them to death, more so than the other person, but I don’t let THEM be enough either. I still need more.
This all obviously takes a toll on my emotions, and I’m already so emotional, so I end up in this little hole of depression and self-pity that is just plain annoying to be in. I hate that I’m like that, but I feel like I can’t do anything about it. But I’ll shut up now because I’ve written a short novel. I don’t even expect anyone to read this; it just feels good to get it out.
I’m proud of you for typing this out.
I’m proud of you for taking the time to look deeply at yourself and be honest.
I’m proud of you for knowing what to do–for recognizing how to balance out your friendships. And I’m hoping that you will…
And I read this. And I know there are a lot of other people out there reading this as well. And I suspect they are proud of you, too.
I have days where I feel like I’m not in control- so i run to feel like I can control my weight. There are days when I get so tired of myself- that i would like to run away from myself and become somebody else. More times than I would like to admit I feel completely and utterly alone and useless to life. and I’m a Christian. ha. imagine that. I often feel like if I just disappeared one day- I wouldn’t be missed and that I wouldn’t have anything of great value to be remembered by- and it scares me.
Oh and I know the chorus to pretty much all of Lady Gaga’s songs.
I have to say, this comment will remain memorable to me. We both share Lady Gaga as a guilty pleasure, don’t we? I couldn’t help but smile when reading your last line about her… Smile because it seemed so out of the blue–but wondering if you were around a few months back when I talked about how her songs are so well-written? Maybe not. But I did. Because her music gets stuck in our heads after one listen. No wonder you know the choruses to all of them!
But, in reading how you feel about yourself… I want you to know that I believe you do have a purpose. The Body of Christ is meant to be a lot of people–a lot of members–doing things to move the whole Body forward. As a Christian, you’re a part of that Body. I know that you have a purpose–something to offer. And I hope that, as you find yourself and your talents and passions, you will find what you were created for.
What if I told you that I have been involved in worship ministry since since I was a pre-teen and sometimes resent all the people in church because I gave up my teenage years for practices and rehearsals and I don’t feel like anybody understands what I gave up?
What if I told you that when I pull into the church parking lot- I get this overwhelming feeling that I should just put it in reverse and drive away?
What if I told you that I carry a bag of resentment under the guise of ambivalence because my biological father never made a point to even getting to me before signing over his parental rights?
What if I told that I am ashamed that I’m a male and struggle with body image/self image/eating.
I’m so glad you shared all these things… I know the sacrifice of Sunday Mornings. And I know the thankless-ness that comes sometimes.
But I’m glad you don’t drive away. And I’m glad you have served. And I’m sure you’ve blessed more people than you realize.
What if I told you that I’ve never dated and has touted it as “I KISSED DATING goodbye” in a whim of spiritual superiority and arrogance but deep down inside- I’ve never dated because I don’t think that I have anything to offer- that I am not lovable.
I’m scared I will truly honestly be alone.
What if I told you that one of the most powerful things that ever happened to me was to see myself in someone else’s eyes… Eyes that saw good in me.
What if I told you that I identify with everything said on this page from molestation to anger to wanting to hurt someone to pornography and self worth issues? What if I followed that up with I am on a worship team? What if I followed that with I am a man? My heart fell out as I read these 40 comments. I was broken by them. What if I told you I have tasted grace and I don’t like me so much I sometimes wonder if I want that grace at all.
Thank you for writing this. I think there are a lot of silent readers who can relate with so much of what is being said here… And it makes me wish we were able to do this in a public forum, where we could see faces. There are so many people here that are in ministry. That are in respectable positions. And are telling the truth. I wonder what would happen if we did this outside of the anonymity?
i am a pastors wife and i am not happy. i dont think i love my husband and doubt that i ever have. he treats me very poorly and i feel stuck but cant get out. so day by day i get up and fake my way through life.
This one made me really really sad. Maybe because I know a lot of pastor’s wives. Maybe because I could know you… Maybe because I’m sure you’re not the only one out there who is “stuck.” I’m so so sorry…
What if I told you there are times I am grateful she had the abortion?
What if I told you there are times I am glad that the maid of honor snapped her neck in that motorcyle accident because it destroyed my engagement?
What if I told you that I have always been difficult for someone to get close to?
What if I told you that I am hard to love when you really do get to know me?
And what if I told you that I am even harder to get close to and harder still to love after enduring all those suicides?
What if I told you that, deep down, I do not think that anybody will ever really love me?
What if I told you that I am a failure?
What if I told you that I do not think that what I have done or what I have written really matters to people?
What if I told you that I am suspicious of intentions, regardless of how wonderful they sound on the surface?
What if I told you that I just think there is something wrong with me that makes me incapable of being loved?
What if I told you that I wanted to steal something by the door of the grocery store today because I was so hungry, so broke, and so unemployed?
What if I told you that I think pornography is disgusting — and I really do mean disgusting, cheap, sleazy, and hideously unattractive?
What if I told you that I think making love is wonderful?
What if I told you that I fall asleep dreaming of a getting great massage?
What if I told you that I have lost 75 to 95% of my hearing, and yet do not consider myself disabled?
What if I told you that I have been hurt so much so badly so many times I still think suicidal thoughts?
What if I told you that the excruciating silence of God is absolutely infuriating to me right now?
What if I told you that I prayed in tears of agony and anguish last month so that I could get a decent job and yet didn’t?
What if I told you that There are times I wish I had died when I got sick at twenty just so I could be spared the mad misery I’ve seen since?
What if I told you that there are times I want to strangle married people who complain about their spouse because I have never been married and I absolutely hate being single?
What if I told you that gmail’s priority inbox is a joke to me because whenever I get an e-mail I always know exactly who or what it’s from depending on the time of day because I get so few e-mails?
What if I told you that I paid a great personal price for Storm Stories and that my life has fallen out from under me since that series?
What if I told you that I know God came to earth and lived as one of us, but that it makes me furious that He is up in Heaven now, on His Throne, and I am down here in misery?
What if I told you that I have been so furious at God that I have torn my Bible to shreds?
What if I told you that I really don’t comment all that much on blogs anymore because I’m not young or hip or cool or with the “in” crowd?
What if I told you that I got caught in a flashflood in TN after escaping a flood flood in RI & CT?
What if I told you that my father has become a great disappointment to me, especially after he retired?
What if I told you that I have not gone to church steadily in almost two years?
What if I told you that I would give anything to hold her in my arms again?
What if I told you that I smoke and drink and cuss and that if you think that makes me a bad Christian you don’t know Christians?
What if I told you that I miss the way she smelled that autumn afternoon?
What if I told you I wanted to torture that pedophile for a long time before finally killing him?
What if I told you that my blood pressure goes up when I see Halloween candy in a store because I do not know how I am going to survive another winter?
What if I told you that hope is a sick joke?
What if I told you that God has raised His Fist against me since 2006?
What if I told you people who raise their hands during worship give me the creeps because I am never convinced their worship is real or true or right?
What if I told you that I hurt people deliberaltely to push them away because I don’t think they do love me anyway?
And what if I told you that I believe in God, that I am going to Heaven, and that I am going to live forever?
What if I told you that I have often felt the same way about hope?
Amen to that answer Mandy – and I know God can endure my anger. Sometimes I think the rain are His tears over my choices….
What if I told you I love you inregardless of all that and that I am praying for you. x
iregardless*
“Iregardless*” Anon: I’m probably a little late, but was that comment meant for me? If so, do I know you…?
I have so much to say here, but this is not my blog, and to say what i want would be selfish and would change the spirit of the entire page. Thank you Mandy for your good intentions.
What if I told you that I have spent a good portion of my time trying to bite my tongue as well, holding back advice and blame and questions and emotions?
I can’t claim good intentions. I can’t even claim intentions. I honestly did not expect this to happen…
But, you know what I hope? What I hope is for this to be a tiny baby-step in the direction of true authenticity and honesty and change. I see value in safe confession, in truth-telling. And I have seen some value in what people have already shared here. But the real work happens when we look someone else in the eyes and say what we’re saying in secret here. The real work comes when they know all this crap about us and love us anyway.
These comments shouldn’t be the end. They should be the beginning.
What if I told you that I’m scared I won’t like the ministry God is calling me to? That even though I’ve counted the cost, I’m scared I won’t be able to pay it.
Wow. There’s only one way to find out. And I’ve found that the real ministry that happens in my own life doesn’t happen by my own hands. Thankfully, I know the Holy Spirit steps in and makes up for what we lack…
Like, for instance, this exact post. I truly did not expect any type of response from this. I thought maybe one or two commenters. And if I had known the deluge of confessions, I don’t think I would’ve hit “publish” on this one. Every time I’ve opened my blog to read comments, I’ve felt like this was bigger than me and definitely bigger than what I can handle. But I’ve had a number of people encourage me in this process, and one person even said this was orchestrated by the Holy Spirit.
All I can do is sit back and watch… And I’m amazed at how this has all played out.
What if I told you:
After reading these comments, my problems don’t seem nearly as bad as before.
My heart is beyond devastated at the pain that some are enduring, and I hate it that many have no one to turn to.
I think that if some of us were the kind of people we should be, there would not be so many carrying these burdens alone.
Amen. I could not agree with you more. I’ve had those exact same thoughts (especially the last one) roll through my head more than once since this started last night.
What if I told you the pain of no self worth is unbearable.
What if I told you that this world is a joke, and to live to it’s measure is well pain that brings no self worth.
What if I told you this world is full of self absorbed people looking for truth where is does not exist.
What if I told you that I believe that people become so self absorbed in their problems they don’t reach out for the hand of the ONE who can pull them out of the self absorption and the lies of the world.
What if Jesus told you “It is OK, in all the self absorbing lies and selfishly not looking to me as Truth. I love you anyway”
What if I told you I have to listen for Jesus to tell me that everyday, so I don’t fall prey to the self absorbing lies I am talking about.
What if I told you in all the pain and frustration of this world…. I have found Joy…
I think, more than anything, this string of comments has shown me that hurting people really are willing to reach out… They just don’t know where. They don’t know who to trust. Who is safe. Who really cares and who will really listen and help. Like the person above you said: “I think that if some of us were the kind of people we should be, there would not be so many carrying these burdens alone.”
I can’t help but acknowledge that truth as well. If we were the kind of Church God intended us to be, there would not be so many carrying these burdens alone. A lot of the people who have commented today are church-going people. Some in ministry. Some married to the ministry. Some taken advantage of by the ministry. And there’s a disconnect… I wish more of us (myself included) would get over our own fears and insecurities, and reach down into someone else’s junk to give them a hand up. To help them out.
I will come out from the Anon mask…
“I wish more of us (myself included) would get over our own fears and insecurities, and reach down into someone else’s junk to give them a hand up.”
Bravo Mandy. This is exactly what Jesus does for us and wants us to do with each other. Ephesians is full of how we are suppose to treat the “one anothers”…
For so long I lived absorbed in my own pain that I ignored how my pain affected others. It was not until Christ fully got into my junk, and I let him that I started to see the pain I was causing others. When Paul writes “Do nothing out of Selfish ambition, or vain conceit , but in humility consider others better than your self” He is talking about every aspect of our lives…
peace and love
Thank you for these words, Carl…
What if I told you that I feel lost and unsure of today and all of the tomorrows because I fear that my identity and purpose and calling and trust were lost when we left the mission field?
I’m so sorry you feel this way, but I’m glad you’re able to share it. I think re-entry can be incredibly difficult for missionaries… Even just culturally. Then you add in the identity questions and whew… I know, for me, I experience the most fulfillment in life when I’m confident that I’m doing God’s will… And it sounds like you’ve maybe lost that confidence? Not sure… But, I heard someone once say (maybe it was Beth Moore) “If you’re still breathing, God’s not through with you.”
Dear ‘wanting more’, I can totally relate. I am afraid that if I ‘fail’ as a missionary, of which going home equates ‘failure’, that my whole self will die. I’m so afraid b/c I don’t know how I will stand facing people. The ‘you gave it your best shot’ pat on the back I imagine coming from everyone makes me want to curl up and die.
I’ve found that I need to rediscover my identity in Christ when I start feeling this fear. When I remember whose I am rather than what I do or don’t do I can be content with whatever position I find myself in-overseas or at home, teaching the Word or cleaning up poopy diapers. I am not a missionary, I am a child of God. I hope this helps. It helps me.
Thank you, Mandy. For this. Apparently I needed a really BIG reality check in myself. I was looking at myself; only seeing myself. I thought I saw others, but I wasn’t. And if I could keep these realities and the rawness of them in my heart all the time … to really SEE people … well, I would.
I want to say to all the abused women: there is a way out.
To all the addicted men (and women): it’s not as big of a deal as you think. God does not condemn you.
To all of those who feel trapped behind a facade of “perfection”: what if I could dare you to be real and brave being hated just for the chance to live? I have, and it’s WORTH IT.
And to everyone who has ever felt guilt and shame for who they are or anything they’ve done: GOD LOVES YOUR FLAWS. He really does! He is never disappointed in you. I dare you to do the worst thing you can think of, and see if he blinks. He loves you to teeny tiny bits, and even if you never acknowledged him, he would still keep loving you. Are you angry with him? Hit him. Rail on him. Cuss him out. Scream and cry and let your heart flow like bitter waters. HE CAN TAKE IT. He will not ever ever ever hit you back. And if you ever have been hit, I can guaran-damn-tee you it wasn’t God doing it.
Dare to live, sweet people. Dare to live. It will be excrutiating … but the most beautiful thing you have ever known.
Thank you Annie
What if I told you that my husband has had an affair… twice. I took him back both times, but the first time just hearing him say that he would stay was enough because I was afraid of being labeled a failure due to being divorced at 21.
so we never worked on our marriage. We were busy getting educations and jobs and eventually kids.
Then he had the 2nd affair. I saw all of the signs, but I assumed it was just me seeing things that weren’t there, not trusting when after so long I thought I had gotten over it. Seeing things because of my own guilt.
Because I wanted someone else to come into the deeper parts of my heart that should belong only to him. Someone who actually seemed to see me when he looked at me. Someone who found value in what *I* could bring… found value in me… something that my husband still doesn’t seem to do, even after allowing him to stay. Even after trying to work through the things that forced us apart.
What if I told you that right now I don’t know if my husband will ever be able to honestly say the words “I Love You” to me… and that I feel guilty whenever I tell him that yes, I do still love him. I feel like I’m not allowed to share that with him because I know it isn’t mutual and I don’t want him to “feel bad” if he doesn’t say it back.
And I can’t even tell my own mother, because he won’t let me. I have 4 friends that know – 2 of them work at the church with me. He told me “if word gets out, he’s gone.” My pastor & the elders know because of my job. My husband’s family knows.
Yep, I’m the head of a ministry at our church, so I put on the emotional face each weekend while I also put on my makeup. I plaster on the “everything is fine here – life is great!” attitude even though inside I am slowly dying. I know God should be enough for me, but all I want to hear is that the man that I pledged my love and my life to is willing to return those back to me. I want to know that I somehow bring something of value to his life beyond having given birth to his children and cleaning up his house. I want to know that he values ME not what I can or can’t do, what I do or don’t do.
I just want to be loved.
This was so hard to read… Not because of your words, but because I keep telling myself that these are real lives–day to day experiences… And I can’t imagine what this is like for you. And to be in ministry at the same time. I can’t imagine the pressure. I’m so sorry. This whole process has opened up a degree of compassion in my heart that I didn’t expect.
And, also, has settled into my heart the resolve that I HATE secrets. I think they tear an individual apart. I’m so grateful that you and others have found ways to share–to get this out right here and now. And I hope that these secrets have less and less power over us as we speak them out.
I especially hope that for you… And that as you minister and maintain this marriage, that you will find a new strength in this reality.
what if i told you i’m done. i want out. and i’m contemplating the easiest way to end my life.
Pandora:
There’s more than one way to “end” your life. Some things can end when we find change. Change is possible. I promise it is.
Would you be willing to email me? All anonymity aside, there is more to be done in this situation. There are resources and people who want to help. I hope that, in putting this comment out here, that there’s a bit of you that’s reaching for hope. If so, mandy[at]mandythompson.com. I want to help you connect with people who can get you on your feet…
what if i told you i am too embarrassed and ashamed to let you know who i am (because you know who i am)? and what if i told you i want out more than i want help?
pandora…what if i told you i have felt the EXACT same way on more than one occassion and what if i told you i KNOW Mandy personally also….i do not know whether she knows that i’ve been in that place or not but i do KNOW that she would LOVE me JUST THE SAME as she amazingly does now b/c she knows ALOT of my struggles of late and they are not easy to tell…she knows of where I have come from (glimpses) and she knows where i’ve walked recently and she has NEVER made me feel judged or less loved in any way….matter of fact she has been a cheerleader to me and does not even KNOW what an impact on my life she has made……PLEASE reply to her or to someone you trust…..if you want…you can talk to me….we are here to help…you’ve reached out…you’ve made the statement…GOD IS SENDING YOU HELP…PLEASE just reach out one more inch………I PROMISE it will be worth it….
Thank you, Angel… I don’t know who you are, but thank you for your words.
Pandora, I have been there as well and can only echo what angel said and I will lift you and your life up in my God conversations for a long long time.
I was worried that I would know you. I was so worried that you’re somebody somehow connected to my life, even though I don’t know who you are.
What if I told you that I struggle with depression and I’m currently seeing a therapist (something that most people don’t know about me, but for your sake I’m going to share it)… And that I want you to connect with her – debbytemmer.com (dthelps[at]aol.com). She really truly can help, and there’s something telling me you might want a bit of help, or else you wouldn’t have gone through with these comments. If you don’t live here, we can find someone in your area who can help you… Will you tell me where you live so I can seek out some resources for you in your area?
Hopelessness, despair, and depression can ruin a soul… They can. But they are not impossible obstacles to overcome. And, I want to stress that you were created for a reason–and your life has a purpose–and there is more out there… I sat in a conversation tonight where a number of people shared about suicidal thoughts. And I thought of you. I thought of what a difference things would make in your life if you had someone real and there and present to listen. And to offer proper encouragement and resources.
PLEASE seek help! There are so many resources. Go to a hospital, your doctor and tell them you need help. Your life is precious.
What if I told you…
I’ve been lying to my wife for months about looking for a job. In the last month, I’ve started drinking heavily during the day and abusing prescription medications (Hydrocodone). Usually at the same time. She suspects I haven’t been trying my hardest and has threatened to leave me if I don’t make more of an effort. She has no idea about the alcohol and drugs.
We are completely out of money and have been living on a credit card. I’ve been shopping on the card for things we can’t afford (books, video games, music, computer stuff) since it makes me feel normal. (I know that sounds crazy). We almost had our electricity shut off yesterday. She has no idea.
I’ve lost two career jobs in the last few years to my drug addiction and I’m afraid I will also screw up any new job. I’m too prideful to work retail or flip burgers… but that is what I need to do. She has no idea.
I don’t know what to do. I have no idea.
Anonymous: I don’t know what it’s like to be a man… I don’t know what it’s like to feel the weight and pressure of taking care of a family. Or the emotions that come from hiding these things… But I know other men with similar stories. One, actually, is now an addictions counselor in my area. If you are in southeast Georgia, I would love to connect him with you. I can see from your comment that you haven’t given up. At least, there is hope when you say “that is what I need to do”–you can see that you still have some motivation left in you. That’s one thing that I admire about men. They are fighters. They don’t give up easily. There is strength in that.
Pandora:
What if I told you that I have there myself many times?
What if I told you that while other kids were going to homecoming and proms in high school, I was in a nuthouse trying to find a way and a reason to live?
And what if I told you I was a Christian, even then?
What if I told you that, while others may think that what I have said is selfish, I know my confessions are the cross I msut carry?
What if I told you that the only work I could is handing out flyers for $5 an hour for a guy who does masonry work?
What if I told you, No, BEGGED YOU, not to do it — because I have endured the pain of losing loved ones to suicide three times — and it hurts like nothing ever has or ever will?
What if I told you…pleaded with you..someone I don’t even know, “Please please please please please please please don’t do it…”
Tomorrow is another day, and while I know not what will happen, even in the next hour, I can tell you this one thing: “The sun will rise tomorrow.”
And it may be a beautiful day…
Dear Anonymous Commentators:
What if I told you that I have known many people who have been through many of these storms and have lived to see the sunrise?
What if I told you that you, really, are not alone in your pain, your burdens, or your confessiosn?
What if I told you that I am not tlaking about cliches or pat answers, but real people who endure real problems and yet still find hope?
And what if I could prove it to you?
All you have to do is go to my blog and read what The Storm Storytellers have had to day on the link list?
What if I said I opened the comments on my blog just so each and every one you could read those Storm Stories and comment there with as much freedom as you have here?
You can yell or scream or bitch or moan or say anything at all you want to say…
…ANYTHING!!!
There is hope, My Friends.
Heavenly hope –
what if i told you i once had a slightly-more-than-emotional affair wih my 18 year old student? how would you look at me?
but what if i told you that God used it to bring more restoration and truth to my life than i ever thought possible? and that this very thought is as confusing as it is comforting?
and what if i told you that even though it was about 3 years ago, my heart still is struggling to mend from all the hurt, and especially from the knowledge that i hurt my spouse so deeply?
and that for every day i feel restored and whole after the incident, i have two more where i feel broken-beyond-repair.
and that i still have slight panic attacks when people stare at me (or just look my direction), because i think they must know, that they must be judging me.
but what if i told you i’m forgiven? that i’m not sick. that i only made a mistake that i didn’t even know i needed to guard myself for? and that i’m healing every day? how would you look at me then?
I would look at you with awe. With heavenly awe. Because I know our God is big enough to do that kind of work in people’s lives. I can’t say that I’ve heard this story, but I’ve heard some stories. And I believe them. I believe that Jesus came to heal the sick. And I believe He does just that in all the emotional sickness of our world.
And if, in my small world, I know you, that’s ok… I would still love you. I would still be ok with you. And I would thank God for what He’s done in your life.
What if I told you that I’m a pastor and I have a serious drinking problem. I live a very good facade of a great life but drink myself to sleep most of the time. The worst pain of it all is that if I ask for help I very well might loose my job and that is not something my family can afford. I feel so very alone.
I have been in some form of ministry for over ten years. And I have family members who are pastors. And I am married to a minister… And I know the pressures of ministry…
I know someone who won’t judge you. He’s my pastor. He doesn’t judge me, even though he knows how messed up I am right now. And he has a heart to help other pastors… without expectations. Without obligations. You and I both know that the only way you’re going to beat this is if you have a support team on your side… I would like to connect you with him. His name is Jay Hanson. his email is jay[at]thechapelbrunswick.com… Or you can email me and I can get you connected to him–maybe by phone or something, so you can keep your identity through this. my email is mandy[at]thechapelbrunswick.com.
What if I told you the fact that someone ( you) listens, sympathizes, and prays mean alot to me.
There are a lot of people reading and praying right now… More than I can keep count of.
What if I told you that I had an affair many years ago but still fear what my adult daughter would think or do if she knew. I lived for many years with terrible guilt but I now know that I am forgiven (and have tried to REALLY forgive myself) but the fear is still there. Sometimes I feel that if people knew they would not “like” me anymore. Or would think differently about me.
SecretHider:
Thank you for sharing this here. In this space and time. I hope that this moment has felt like a release for you–that we aren’t running from your words. We aren’t ashamed of you or for you… In fact, I am friends with a number of women who have walked the same road as you… I don’t know if you are connected with any of them, but you can find their stories online (sarahmarkley.com, jenniclayville.com)… These are amazing women who are safe and inspiring. You don’t have to tell them who you are, or anything. But maybe their stories can help you write your next chapter.
SecretHider,
What if I told you that my Father cheated on my Mother and walked out on our family when I was 12 years old. He broke my heart that day and forever changed everything that I thought I knew about my family and my faith. My Dad caused me pain that I thought could never be undone, but God was able to repair my broken heart and “work all things together for good”.
It took me a while, but I was able to forgive my Dad for the pain he caused me and tell him for the first time in years that I love him (I know Mandy remembers this because she was there that day). Many years later, my Dad and I have a relationship that I never thought possible…I have lunch with him at least a few time a month, I have a relationship with his wife (who is also the woman with which he had the affair) and he even gave me away e on my wedding day.
All these years down the road, I can honestly say that if I could go back and change what my Father did…I wouldn’t. I have been blessed so richly by this journey which began with my Father’s infidelity. God has forgiven you and so can others. I know if you spoke to my Dad today he would tell you he forever regrets the pain that he caused us but is so thankful for the gift of forgiveness he has received not just from the blood of Christ but from his own children who he once hurt so deeply. Walk in the power of that freedom…even though you may not feel it, YOU ARE FORGIVEN AND FREE!!!
Wow… Thank you for speaking into this story tonight. Sometimes I forget just how amazingly God weaves through things–and how we come out the other side bruised but better…
What if I told you… I want to write, but I don’t feel like I have anything to say that people will want to read. I don’t feel like my words would be eloquent enough, or hip enough, or relevant, or really convey what is in my head. There are others out there who are so much better at it than I am. What makes me think this is something I can start doing now, at my age.
As I read through the others comments my heart is breaking, and I am praying. Thank you Mandy.
What if I told you I feel the same way about songwriting… But it’s more than just writing melodies and lyrics that other people will want to hear–it’s about getting things out of me that need to be out. Cathartic. What if I told you that you can write… You can write all you want–who cares if you write like anyone else. You’re the only one with your unique voice. Speak.
What if I told you that I struggle with trust, and live a lie. What if I told you that everyone who I’ve ever though was a role model has disappointed me. What if I told you that recently, a college student whose whole job was to be a mentor to me also ignored me and played favorites. What if I told you that so many “role models” have paid more attention to the funny, pretty, or outwardly needy girls. What if I told you that because of these experiences I force myself to be boring and never open up to those who seem to care. This seems like a minor issue compared to many of the other stories. But so many times I have been commented for being so independent, when really its a mask. I don’t let people in so I don’t get hurt.
I think so many of us have found our problems getting smaller in light of some of what we’re reading here. BUT, at the same time, our problems are still our problems. And some of them may, ironically, see their problems as less serious when reading our stuff! That’s neither here nor there, though, is it? Because our problems are still our problems. And when we wake up in the morning we will face them… Yours isn’t a minor issue. It’s keeping you from really connecting with people. It’s keeping you from finding deep and true relationships, and for finding your place in the bigger Plan. I hope those words you typed, in the safety of anonymity, will give you enough courage to risk sharing and opening up to others around you.
And, college students are college students. I was once a college student in ministry. And I was young and scared and had no idea what I was doing. I’m sure that college student would be heartbroken to know how her “favorites” made you feel… I’m pretty sure she has no idea what she’s done or how it affected you.
That made me tear up. Thank you.
didn’t mean to make you cry…
What if…I told you that I had a rotten terrible childhood, with a drunk mom and an absent dad and all the crap that means – that most of my first 20+ years all I wanted to do was die, but something in me kept telling me to hold on – that I then spent the next 15 years trying to drink it all away – and then God stepped in – that I have the most amazing marriage now, great relationships with my children and grandchildren and may one day realize my dream to actually be a musician who makes my living as a musician – although my current job as a music teacher is incredibly rewarding and pretty awesome for my ‘second choice’ job at this stage in my life – and that I hope everyone writing finds the strength to lean on Him that I have found, that has brought me through deaths of close people, life changing personal illness and my duaghter needing to have me out of her life for a while during sobriety – and that everyone can find the joy in every day, nasty, painful, or wondrous that I have – and that, I too, would some day like to sit down with you Mandy and have a coffee –
and, no this is not a movie plot, it is true!
Oh my gosh Maggie… I had no idea this is your story. Thank you for sharing this. I’m certain that there are readers who will find strength and encouragement in your words.
I am one of the blessed ones – I recieved the gift of joy.
what if i told you that i’m afraid to type anything on here because somehow, somewhere someone will find out it’s me.
I don’t know who you are. And there’s no way I will know… If you want to say it, feel free to say it.
What if I told you that I resent the church for chewing me up and spitting me out when all I was trying to do was serve them?
What if I told you that my husband and I served the church faithfully (as leaders/pastors) for all of our adult lives, and now don’t even know where we belong?
What if I told you that my heart is so hardened I can hardly pray anymore?
What if I told you that my marriage is suffering as a result of the stress we’ve endured going through this ordeal?
What if I told you that I honestly don’t care if we go to church again?
I am cynical about the whole thing.
But I love God, and want to serve Him with my whole life.
Just not in a church. Ever again.
Somewhere in the past 24 hours of having this conversation, I think I wrote that the Church’s worst enemy is itself… Thank you for sharing that here, knowing that members of “the Church” are here watching and praying and hurting alongside you and all the others. I’m so sorry to read that this is something that has happened to you, but it’s not the first time I’ve seen someone shattered by the church. I want to apologize, not only on behalf of the Church, but because I know God did not intend for things to work out like this. And I hope you find ways of serving Him again. And that you will know that we have messed things up. Not Him. But, thankfully, He is a redeemer, and He’s in the business of cleaning up our messes… You’re not as lost as you feel. He knows right where you are. He was rejected as well, when all He was trying to do was serve us…
What if I told you that I have been stabbed in the back by a church TWICE. Once by the church I spent 26 years serving at (7 with my husband). The pastor made fake promises to my husband, promising to hire him when they had the money, all the while we couldn’t even pay our electric bills. Weeks later, we found out the pastor’s son had been hired for the job.
Another time we took on a failing youth ministry and revived it. We brought on some friends to help us out. Weeks later we found out that the pastor had talked to our “friends” about taking over the ministry from us. All behind our back. We were soon out of a job with tons of medical bills to pay from an emergency surgery. The pastor told my husband that he was being let go while my husband was still recovering from surgery.
What if I told you that looking back… I’m so grateful that all of that happened… because it GOT ME OUT OF THE TOWN I WAS IN. I thought I loved that town, but after all the heartache, my husband and I HAD to leave. Months after moving, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and she died five months later. It was awful, but I believe that God had driven us to the new town, to the new church that would surround us and walk us through what has surely become the hardest thing we have ever faced.
I hate what happened to us. But hind -site is twenty twenty and we are finally HOME in our church in our new town. My wounds are healing. Because… in light of the pain of this past year, I know we cannot survive without a community. And in the light of some pain, the old scars go away because they just don’t matter anymore.
Any mous: thank you for these words… I’m so sorry to read your story, but so thankful to know that you have been led to a good place. And so unbelievably relieved to know that you still value community and haven’t turned your back on the Church and Godly relationships. Thank you for your resilience and forgiveness!
What if I told you that I am not sure if I even love my husband; or if I have ever loved him. I don’t even know where to start loving him. I don’t know if I have gone through the motions for so long that I have tricked myself into believing they are true, or if I really do feel these things for him.
What if I told you that I don’t even know how to dream anymore. I don’t know what I want for my future. I tell myself and everyone that asks that all that I know that I want to do is be a mom, but I know that is not living up to my full potential and limiting God. I don’t remember what dreaming looks like, what it feels like, or how to do it.
What if I told you that sometimes, even in the midst of griping and complaining and lamenting the fact that we are struggling with infertility, I still have this fear inside me that being a mom is going to squelch my dreams and limit my life in much the same ways you described…
Thank you for sharing this today… I’m overwhelmed by the number of women who have confessed that they don’t know if they love their husbands anymore. This breaks my heart… But, still, I’m glad that you and the others are getting this out. I don’t know what is going to come of this. But one thing I do know: secrets hold such massive power over us. I’m overwhelmed. I know I said that before, but it’s true. There are so many secrets out there, it’s dizzying.
One wonderful lesson I have learned over the last decade or so – a secret shared has less power over us. A secret discussed may actually help to create a solution – and, at the very least, a secret shared means you are no longer alone as a human, God has know let someone in with you. (Mandy, is it okay if we respond to some of these?)
Thank you for asking, Maggie… And, yes. It is ok. In a sense… But I’m thankful that most people have held off from doing lots of replying, because I know the internet can be ravenous at times… (not to say you are, but there are a LOT of people reading what is happening here–many more than are replying–and I don’t want to open the floodgates)
In all honesty, Maggie, I’ve struggled with how to respond. My heart is for this place to remain a safe place for confessions and truth and honesty. Like you said, a secret shared means you are no longer alone as a human… Most of these are done in anonymity right now. Granted, I’m begging a few people to find immediate help… But, that’s the exception to the rule in this conversation. The rule is to encourage, not condemn or correct.
NOTE: if a lot of people jump in to reply to these confessions, I reserve the right to moderate and delete comments as I see fitting.
I think you are correct in not offering ‘help’ per say, other than reaching out to those in some type of immediate need – it is amazing how just sharing can help! Miracles will happen because of this blog, I have NO doubt!
Agreed. Encourage away, Maggie. And thank you for encouraging me.
what if I told you i was in the same place? and am only hanging on because i have children with him?
What if I told you that I look like a good church girl and secure youth leader, but I am hanging onto my virginity by a technical thread because I finally acted on my feelings of rejection and loneliness? What if I told you that my parents still think I’m pure and never been kissed or had a “real” relationship, but the physical reality is far, far different and it sickens me?
Through this broken mess, God has been drawing me closer to Him than ever before, and I am SO grateful for this. I only wish I had learnt it another way. (Although this way leaves no room for pride that “I have a good relationship with God because I am a good person.” and I am grateful for that.)
What if I told you I have a similar story, and it ruined any streak of pride I had in me as a “good church girl.”
Thank you. If you were willing, could we maybe email further about this?
Of course. mandy[at]mandythompson.com
What if I told you I had a similar story too. Although, the first boundary that was crossed was not by my consent and was by my best friend and partner in ministry in college…
Second time it was by my consent and with the man that I now call husband and love with every fiber of my being. But we kept our secret of going almost all the way. It ate at me for years and years. I lied to the girls I mentored out of shame.
Finally, one night at camp my husband and I stood before 200 highschoolers and young adults and confessed. Me, our secret, he, the porn addiction he had had for most of his young life.
We disarmed the enemy. Right then and there. God’s truth reigned and we were healed.
But… what if I told you that the one small relief that my mother went to be with Jesus early is that she will never find out…
What if I told you that I am angry with my alcoholic husband for making it difficult to be the biblically submissive wife I am supposed to be and yet still protect my children from his alcoholism. What if I told you that I am having difficulty applying the 10 commandments to my marriage because my alcoholic spouse is not. What if I told you that I am too tired to pray for Grace, Mercy, and Saving of my husband because I just need to be angry with him right now. What if I told you that I am having a hard time forgiving my alcoholic husband for having a vasectomy because he blames all of his woes on the children and me.
Anon: Thank you for sharing these things here, with us… This makes me sad, for so many reasons. I have a very very close friend who has walked a similar road, and her story is inspiring. Powerful. Unmatched. She is finally at a place where she is willing to go public with her story, but there have been private moments along the way that have given her the strength to do so. I think a huge turning point for her was attending Al-Anon, or something like that. I know that’s where she truly found the beginnings of getting the anger and shame and hurt out… I don’t know if that’s where you are–if that’s something you want to do–but maybe this comment here is a step in the right direction. Keep walking.
What if I told you that I have a shopping addiction. I have maxed out credit cards and still somehow can’t stop spending. I love new clothes and shoes. I know it stems from when I was a child and growing up poor. We shopped at Goodwill and Walmart for clothes. I also know that “clothes don’t make a man” but nobody in society really believes that. We are all judged by what we wear or how we dress on a daily basis. I am so scarred from being pick on as a child that I will not wear anything but name brand clothing. My husband knows and has been supportive of me getting help but I still feel like a failure. I know I am running up debt and we don’t have a lot of money as is but what if I also told you that I don’t care. I like the feeling I get from spending money and how good it makes me feel. What if I told you that I also felt ashamed for just saying that. I know I should care but I don’t know how to change or stop it.
cjay:
Thank you so much for your honesty here. I think there a lot of people that have come face to face with shame after typing out words that have been silenced for so long… In that, you are not alone. I hope that this step of sharing anonymously will give you a freedom and hope that you can reach out for others to help you change. I’ve read despair and listlessness in so many of these comments. And it breaks my heart. I, too, have known despair. But I also know that things can get better, when we ask for help, and when we really truly receive help. Things can get better…
What if I told you that I don’t understand what God is doing right now in my life and He has made me so angry. My husband graduated from seminary a year ago in hopes of becoming a great worship leader. We have applied to over 30 jobs and have even had interviews with some of them. Not a single one panned out. We now live (rent free, I know, a blessing) in a house on my in-laws property in a town that is so far away from all of my family and friends. I have a part time job but we are barely making ends meet. I am not happy here. I love my husband very much but I don’t get along with his family very well and I miss my family a lot. We are both so frustrated and bewildered and don’t understand why God has left us here. We have been married for 5 yrs and still don’t have any children b/c we don’t have health ins. I am afraid that I might not have any at this rate!
He has even tried to find places to volunteer as a worship leader but it seems that most places are not interested. Why is God doing this? What does He want us to learn? Because as far as I am concerned I am DONE with this lesson. I am just so angry with Him right now.
Someone: Please check back tomorrow… I have a friend who has spent a year in the exact same story…. The only way I know you’re not her is because her story, miraculously, changed two weeks ago. I’m going to get her over here to leave a comment.
Someone: I am the friend Mandy thought could be you. What if I told you that almost every single detail of your confession is also mine.
What if I told you that when people said how strong I was and how strong my faith was, I wanted to scream because I knew my mental, spiritual and emotional state. And it wasn’t strong.
What if I told you that three weeks ago, I had completely lost all hope. Literally. I was trying to figure out ways to use household items to make Christmas gifts for the kids…because I didn’t believe anything would change by then.
Three weeks ago.
What if I told you that today, three weeks later, God provided all of the money and means and we have moved 3,000 miles across the country, back to seminary, back to the same part-time job for my husband, but studying for a completely different future.
What if I admitted that as happy and free as I feel right now, I also still feel angry and confused with God. Because none of this answers why the last year had to happen. Why we had to suffer for so long. Why God was so silent. Why a job couldn’t have opened up. Because my husband would still rather be working than going back to school. I would rather he be working. And I didn’t want this to be God’s answer.
If you want someone to talk to, to vent to, I’d love to listen. mypeaceandjoy@live.com
What if I told you that I struggle with depression, OCD & PTSD? After 15 years of hiding it from my doctor & most of my family I finally asked for medication. It isn’t working, but I’m too embarrassed to ask for more.
I suffer from carpal tunnel because of the OCD. My children’s needs are often overlooked from the depression. Nightmares, constant fear & worry consume me after finding a family member dead & not being able to save them.
The guilt is sometimes unbearable.
Anon: I am overwhelmed and heartbroken by the pain you’ve shared here… But I’m thankful that you’ve shared it, not only with us, but with your Doctor and family. Asking for help is the right thing to do. I’m so relieved. And, sometimes it takes trying a few different meds before finding the right one for your circumstance. The human brain is complex, and there’s a fine balance of vitamins and hormones and chemicals and receptors and all that.
As I’ve stopped to think through your circumstances, I can’t even imagine the day to day in all this. I have a friend who has blamed herself for a loved-one’s death. Only recently, decades later, has she realized it wasn’t her fault… The guilt, for her, was unbearable as well. But God opened her eyes to a different truth. The truth that it wasn’t her fault, but it took some counseling and introspection to get to the place where she realized that.
I realize that this seems not such a big deal among all of this, but it takes a toll on my everyday life. Last year I took a trip to a foreign country to go on an extended missions trip. I was going to be working with kids in a school and an orphanage. It sounded like an amazing opportunity, and I was super excited. It seemed to be going along just fine for the first week or so. I then met a wonderful young lady. I won’t give any of what was going on with her, but she was a national. For the rest of the trip, we had sexual relations pretty much every night. I can’t believe that I gave up my card in another country. on a missions trip. How could I do that? None of my friends/bosses know in the other country. I’ve moved on. We rarely talk, and I have renewed a relationship with the Lord. I just don’t know what to do. What the heck is wrong with me.
That sounds a lot of heaviness to carry around with you, even though you have found a renewed relationship with God. It sounds like you’re on the right track, despite not knowing “what is wrong with you” …. I’m certain that, as you grow and mature, you will learn things about yourself that propelled you into this relationship overseas. You will understand, and you won’t have to be afraid of yourself or wonder what is wrong. Until then, thank you for sharing this with us…
What if I told you that I’m terrified that moving out of state is the wrong choice. I know deep down that I am probably only accepting the job there because I want to run away. I worry that I will have no friends and will barely be able to make ends meet.
What if I told you that I would rather go and fail and be alone with no friends than spend one more day here with my family.
This is very very very ok to think… I completely understand. I don’t know if you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, but if you have, you may know that Drew and I moved out of state for 3 1/2 years. It was not easy. Not easy at all. But I learned a lot about myself in that time. And I met some friends that I would not have known if I hadn’t gotten out of my comfort zone for a bit. I was petrified. I was worried. I was dreading it. But, there were some surprises around the corner.
Had to do something after reading all of this.
Hope it helps someone somewhere somehow…
http://thenoreaster.wordpress.com/2010/09/15/pstorm-243/
What if I told you that I know about my dad’s affair and watched my mother deal with it and worry the same thing will happen to me?
What if I said that I put on a pretty good christian show but deep down I feel like I could never live that abundant life Jesus talks about?
What if I said that as a single person at 28 I truly have stopped believing in love and at the same time hate the idea of being alone?
What if I said that the happy person the world sees is not me? That I often cry for no reason yet a million reasons at once?
What if I said that I use food and sex as a way to numb myself when situations dont turn out the way I expected them to?
What if I said that I honestly dont know how many men I’ve slept with because I used sex to fill the hole in my life for 6 years?
What if I said that because of my sexual past I’m certain no man would ever marry me if he knew?
What if I said that I havent had a boyfriend in over 5 years because I’m scared to death of the intimacy it requires yet I long for someone to love me?
Not what it seems: There are so many layers to what you’ve shared today. But I can see that you have an understanding of the choices you’ve made. I can see that you know what’s going on in your head, and what is motivating you. That is half the battle… Most people walk out these actions not knowing why, and until they realize why, they are unable to change their behavior… But I have so much hope for you because you already know why you’re doing some of the things you’re doing… And I think you want more. You want a change. You want real intimacy and love. I can see that in your words.
I know someone like you… And I thought for a minute that you might be her. Until I remembered that she recently got married. And is very in love. And has faced all her fears about true intimacy, and knows it’s worth it.
What if I told you I have actual hatred in my heart for pregnant fertile women. I was actually happy when a relative miscarried because she didn’t really want what I can never have.
I would say that I understand. Completely. And I’m so so sorry that this has happened to you as well. We’ve been trying to get pregnant for years, and are still last in line…
what if I told you that I was raped at age 14 and when I tried talking to my mother about it, she told me to never speak of it again because I lost my value, my virginity. I’m a grown woman now but I’ve believed that lie all these years.
Oh my gosh this breaks my heart. I can’t even wrap my mind around this. But, your use of the word “believed” stuck out–surprised me, actually. I pray it means that you don’t believe it anymore. I pray that this means you see yourself differently now, and have a different understanding… I pray you now know that your value is still in tact.
What if I told you that I hate my family and have deep depression every day of my life. I even used to think about suicide. I’ve felt many times like life is just a joke and that God doesn’t love me at all. I feel like an outcast who doesn’t know where they’re going. I feel like nothing different is yet to come in my life. I act happy in public just to be strong for others. I don’t want others to feel my pain when everyone else has pain too. I’m broken inside. I’m a fifteen year old girl.
I felt like an outcast when I was your age, too…
At first, I felt a hopelessness wash over me when reading that your fifteen years old. But, soon after I read it, I thought … you’re young. you already recognize some dynamics in your life and you’re young and you have time to change and work things out and get through it. You can beat this.
Thank you. So much.
You’re welcome…
Mandy – thank your for being obedient and posting this. I believe God is doing a mighty work through your blog.
What if I told you that I don’t have one friend who knows me. What if I told you I have a group of christian friends, but lately, i’ve realized that in these friendships, i’m the one keeping them going. I rarely get the help and support back. What if I told you that I am in need of a relationship with someone who appreciates me just as much as I appreciate them. As life gets tougher, I realize how lonely I am. Everyday I wish I had a deep, meaningful friendship.
I’ve had days of loneliness, and there’s nothing worse than that feeling. I wish I could say “oh but in these times, you have Jesus! And you can run to Him. And He can be your best friend. And you are freed up to pour all your relational energies into your faith.” But… well……. That doesn’t always work out, does it?
I think that first sentence is an indicator of where you are right now. It sounds like you have lots of friends, but not any friends that really know you or really have the time to get to know you. I’m so sorry. I sometimes am that friend–the friend who doesn’t give support back. Who doesn’t initiate. Who lets the others carry the weight of the relationship. I don’t do it intentionally, and if I ever found out that it made my friends feel the way you feel, then I’d be so sad. If I was them, I don’t think they realize how this has effected you. In fact, they probably see you as the strong one who doesn’t need any help.
I pray that you can find ways to let yourself be known. To have those meaningful conversations, even in the midst of the busy-ness of this life we live. And I pray that your friends will see this and reciprocate. Sometimes, our friends have just been waiting for us to begin to open up. Maybe they wish for that deeper connectedness too. Or maybe they’re just as lonely but don’t know it.
What if I told you that I’m scared of getting married because the only sexual contact I’ve ever had was done TO me by my brother?
And how sometimes intimacy, even the thought of it, nauseates me? And that sometimes I get really sad over the prospect that I may be alone my whole life, either because I don’t “dress to impress” boys, or because I feel like God has “destined” me to be content as a single woman?
What if I shared that in the same token, if a guy flirts with me, I get the impression he must really like me, and maybe we might get married. And then when he doesn’t call back, I realize that I just had a junior high moment, and I feel dumb?
Would it surprise you to know that this gnawing tension is so because nobody can give me any answers? Not my therapist, not my mum, not my good friends, certainly not my married friends. . .
I once knew a girl like you… And, just recently, I held her first son in my arms. She’s happily married to a Godly man who loves her deeply. But, her story did not just quickly and easily turn out this way. She dealt with a lot of stuff before getting there…
I think you’re dealing with things. In your way, in your time, and by God’s leading. You’re right, nobody can give you answers to this. I think the tension won’t be resolved until either you fall in love and get married, or you accept contentedness as a single woman. You have much to offer this world, single or married. And your place and talents and gifts are valuable…
As for the tension, resolution won’t come until your world is either re-written by a husband, or accepted by you. Even though they can’t give you answers, please please keep talking things out with these people in your life. Because, if you do eventually find that man of your dreams, you’re probably going to have to sort through a lot of stuff to get grounded with him. I wish I could say it’s easy, but stuff like this digs a deep trench in a little girl’s soul… But you know this. There will be work. There will be tearing down and rebuilding. But you’re young. And you’re strong. And you’re brave. (And I know who you are because I deleted your email address from your comment)…
Don’t give up.
What if I told you that I still sometimes think God has punished me for my abortion? What if I told you I haven’t completely forgiven myself for it? What if I told you that even though I have become a mom, I resent the fact that I didn’t get to start from the beginning? What if I told you I don’t think I’m a good enough mom?
Lori: Thankfully, I’ve known you around here for a while, and I know your heart. I know you have walked through so much, and I know how strong you are. And I know what a miracle motherhood is for you today. Your words are deep, and revealing, but not more powerful than the love you have for your daughter or the faith you have in God. “sometimes” doesn’t mean you always think God is punishing you. “haven’t completely” means that you have, in some ways, forgiven yourself. I wish sanctification was linear, I wish we didn’t circle around old junk again and again, but we do. Even though we come around to the old crap, that doesn’t mean we aren’t growing, changing, becoming more whole. What matters is that we keep moving.
I know that on some levels, healing has begun. I also know that God will not leave undone the work He starts. But your right; we keep coming back to the same stuff over and over.
The encouragement to keep moving forward is invaluable. It’s a daily…yes, I will pick up my cross and carry it daily knowing that the load is not mine alone…
I have some praying to do. Please excuse me while I get to it!
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds [curing their pains and their sorrows [psalm 147:3]
praying for all the broken-hearted people who commented on this blog.
Even though I’m thrilled that my brother in law and sister in law are having a little girl in a few months, let alone another baby, I’m struggling with jealousy over it because God’s laid on our hearts to adopt not only a child but a little girl specifically. And it’s hard because they’re being blessed first and all I want to do is have my little girl, and not have to wait 2-5 more years.
My little bro and sis-in-law are expecting. As excited as I am to be an aunt, trust me when I say I understand how you feel. And I feel guilty for it. And I don’t know how to un-feel that part of things. Why can’t I just be happy-and-only-happy for them?
thank you.
Can you handle one more?
What if I told you my step-dad was abusive and I grew up afraid of him and at age 14 I witnessed my older brother molesting my 6 year-old sister and I tried to beat him up but i was too weak and i never told anyone and my parents found out from my baby sister and my step-dad beat my brother while i hid and heard it all and my mom hid too and i grew up with that secret and my little sister buried it and never remembered and then 34 years later my adult daughter revealed to me through tears and shame that my brother had molested her when she was six. multiple times. and i outed my brother and by extension my parents and my siblings yelled at me and disowned me for going public and bringing shame onto our dead father and my brother attempted suicide and failed and i was disappointed and i’ve been in therapy. and on antidepressants. and my daughter is married and expecting her second child and she and her husband love jesus because he loved us all first.
yeah I can handle that one.
I knew from the name you chose, “recovering,” that this was gonna turn out all right. I’m sure it’s been an unbearable road, but that last sentence makes it all worth it, doesn’t it?
What if I told you I’m a married woman in an emotional affair. One that has crossed some physical lines… and I feel like I can’t get out and most days I don’t want to.
But, you know… it’s not too late. I think you know what’s going to happen if you don’t make some changes quickly. I have a number of close friends who have cheated on their amazing husbands, fallen apart, set things straight, worked it all out, and are now madly in love with their husbands. Let this sink in: They don’t even want to have an affair anymore. If it can happen to them, it can happen to anyone. If you’re looking for help, check out sarahmarkley.com and jenniclayville.com.
what if i told you i was alone
I know God is with me.
but i just wish there was one person here on earth that i could tell everything.
I’m sorry. I’ve known loneliness… God knows I’ve known loneliness. And it’s one of the worst feelings I’ve ever felt. There’s a reason why God says that we are the “Body of Christ” to this world. We are supposed to be the Jesus that others see. We are supposed to bring God to others. You wrote that you know God is with you, but there’s still the feeling of being alone. I don’t really have a “one person” that I can tell everything. I have a number of people (and, Lord knows, it takes about a half-dozen!) that I can tell my secrets to. It does take all of them, because no one person can shoulder all the burdens of my heart. That’s just too much for one to carry. I would suck the life out of them. Whew.
You know what I’m going to ask God for? I’m going to ask God to help you find a half-dozen people to talk to, in varying stages and degrees of disclosure. And that these different people will fit in different pockets of your world. And that together they will cover all of it.
what if i told you that because of my generosity (and a little naivety) in my 20s that i will most likely have to file bankruptcy in my 30s?
what if i told you that i feel alone most of the time even when i’m surrounded by family & friends?
what if i told you that i want desperately for a little girl but will probably never have one?
what if i told you that i haven’t had sex in months?
what if i told you that i’m a leader in my church but haven’t read the bible on a regular basis in a long time?
what if i told you it’s easier to serve people i don’t know but have a hard time serving my family?
what if i told you that some days i really think i made a big mistake and there’s nothing i can do to change it?
what if i told you that i talk to myself because i feel like no one else wants to talk to me?
what if i told you that some days the emotional pain gets so bad that all i want to do is cut myself because i’d rather feel physical pain rather than the emotional pain?
what if i told you that i know in my heart that god’s there for me but what i really wish there was a tangible person that’s here for me?
what if i told you i still think about my dream guy and wonder if he’s really out there or was really just a dream?
what if i told you i want more for my life that what it is now?
I’m so glad that you laid all that out here… now… in this safe and anonymous place. I don’t know who you are or where you are right now, but there’s a lot in your heart. And I can tell you have a big heart. And I know God is going to use that. And there will be more, so much more to come. Life is as dynamic as a Mercy Me song–slow and smooth in some spots, but huge and moving in other spots. With ups and down’s like a roller-coaster ride.
What if I told you I have done things that I cannot understand why God would ever forgive me for. What if I told you that I try to be an encouragement to others, yet I am a mess, just trying to figure life out day by day. What if I told you I have spent my life chasing the approval of others yet neglecting Gods. If people knew my secrets, all of them, no-one would ever come near me. I have scars on my soul that I bear to no-one, choosing to carry them alone. I have worn resentment like a jacket, anger and judgement and self righteousness have been my currency. What if I told you I speak forgiveness, yet secretly refuse to let go. What if I told you that when at the crossroads, and making a choice between God and sin, consciously choose sin. What if I told you that sin is an anchor chained to me, dragging me down into the dark, deep abyss of hell, and I fear I will not be freed in time.
What if I told you, that God loves me anyway
What if I told you I will never understand that, or why.
What if I told you that Christ’s blood is so very sacred, because anything that could give a rotten, carnal soul like me hope has got to be sacred beyond sacred.
What if I told you I love you all, beyond words. We are kindred.
Amen and amen. I think your comment says it all. It says exactly what I want everyone here to know and understand… That, even with our flaws and failings, God still loves us. And there is a place of hope that waits for us, and that we are all kindred. Nothing separates us from one another. And when we reach out and begin to share these flaws and failings, we find that they have no power over us anymore, and we can begin to walk away from sins that so easily entangle, by finding strength in the grace of others who know us and love us anyway. I think that is what the Body of Christ is supposed to do for one another, we are supposed to love and encourage anyway. And, when we do that, we impart strength and hope and a way out.
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a couple days late – but I feel compelled to confess…
what if I told you that I am married with two kids and had a one-night stand with a stranger, while in vegas this summer.
what if I told you that the one night turned into two nights.
what if I told you that although we live in two different countries, the affair is continuing.
what if I told you that I love my husband but get from this other man something that my husband hasn’t given me in years – full attention and desire. what if I told you that I wish it was my husband who made me feel this way.
what if I told you that I am seeing him again in a couple of weeks.
and what if I told you that I totally know better…
You’re not late. These little comments are still floating in, and I’m glad they are. And I’m glad you typed this out, because I believe something VERY significant happened when you did…
I didn’t see this the first time I read your comment, but I saw it the second time–and I want you to see it again, too:
“what if I told you that I wish it was my husband who made me feel this way.”
These are your words. And they give me such hope. My guess is that he once made you feel that way. And my guess is that his world would fall apart if he knew… Because he probably does love you and desire you more than you know. There’s a quiet that falls on marriages as the years go by… It’s a quiet of the routine, the everyday, the granted. Some feel secure in that quiet… Some feel ignored… Some feel bored… That’s neither here nor there. Your story is your story and your marriage is your marriage. And it’s not the same for everybody.
What’s important is this: I pray that if there’s anything you’ve gotten out of this confession, it’s the statement I noted above. Cling to that with all you’ve got, because it’s more than you realize.
thank you doesn’t seem big enough…I never saw that either, until you pointed it out. I just wrote without thought and just with my heart. If you were in the room I’d give you a big hug right now. because for the first time in a while I feel like there is hope.
Nothing to thank me for… I’m glad you wrote from the heart. That’s the power of truly confessing to someone… They hold a mirror up to us and help us see that it may not be as bad as we think it is.
Now, along with your hope, you have some tough decisions to make. But I believe you are strong enough to make them.
I have a few good friends who have turned the corner. You will relate to them.
sarahmarkley.com
jenniclayville.com
Their marriages are stronger than ever before. And their men stepped up to be heroes in their lives, forgiving them and loving them better and better.
Hold on to that hope…
How about this? How about you take that big hug and give it to your husband. OR you take that big hug and you tell a close friend or your pastor or someone in ministry/counseling. And you allow them to do for you exactly what I did for you, only in real life, and with a real face, and with real long-term help. I think you want to get out of this. I know you do. And I also know it won’t happen unless you have a support system around you. Start taking baby steps in that direction. God is faithful to help you get through this.
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What if I told you that my husband cheated on me last year, with a prostitute, after being addicted to porn since he was 10 years old, & that those we told in our church, in an effort to reach out for help, basically ignored us. Our pastor insinuated that I needed to be more ‘available’ to my husband, which was ridiculous because I was ALWAYS available to him. Needless to say, it’s been a rough year, but God has changed my husband & he’s remained ‘sober’ for a year now, we’re doing better as a couple, & have found a new church to attend. It still sucks at times- I get anxious & paranoid & wonder often if he’s being faithful to me, but I know he is. He’s open & honest with me and treats me so much better than before.
I like the way this story ended up, even with you still wondering sometimes. I think it would be really hard not to wonder. But, the fact that he’s open & honest with you says a lot. And gives you something strong to hold on to. I’m so thankful that there’s a happy ending here. So thankful.
Better than a hallelujah…
…Sometimes.
(I know I haven’t been here in a while and I am really late in commenting on this particular post but I also know that there was a reason God was leading me to look at your blog this early in the morning so I am going to go ahead and comment without the mask and at the risk of being judged.)
What if I told you that I am tired of being a witness/walking in love with my Muslim family after being repeatedly used and abused by them and that even though I know God is calling me to endure whatever it takes to share Him with them I feel tired and incapable of fulfilling this particular purpose? I’m at a point where I don’t want to have anything to do with them anymore. And I feel so guilty for it.
What if I told you that I can’t seem to forgive (and honestly don’t want to) my mother for knowing and in her silence allowing my Dad’s nephew to sexually abuse me when I was a child and that-that unforgiveness seems to have increased significantly this past summer when her niece tried to hurt my 9 month son and when I confronted her was told by my mother that I was wrong for doing so and that I ruined her relationship with her sister because of it.
(As an extension of the above) what if I told you I don’t understand how my entire extended family could disown me and my Mom and sisters treat me badly for the above situation when I never did anything wrong; when it was my son whose safety was compromised and when my cousin was the one in the wrong yet their relationship with her is fine and they think something is wrong with me? I feel this constitutes as me judging them but I don’t know how to feel otherwise.
What if I told you that even though God has forgiven and redeemed me from my emotional affair and subsequent divorce two years ago I have a hard time completely forgiving myself and that I allow the enemy to convince me everytime I am facing a storm that it’s due to my sin.
What if I told you that my husband is a recovering alcoholic and while he hasn’t had a drop of alcohol in an entire year (praise the Lord) and God has done an amazing work in and through him I am experiencing delayed anger for all that I went through when he was drinking last year which is inhibiting me from rejoicing in the Lord’s work and sharing with him in his testimony. I feel angry for how sick I was emotionally and physically during my pregnancy because of his drinking and how I spent many nights by myself during that time. I feel angry for the abusive way he treated me all those nights he had been drinking. I feel angry for all the pain, insecurity, and hopelessness I felt because of his drinking. I feel angry for the fact that instead of picking out nursery themes and clothes for my baby I spent the last few weeks of my pregnancy visiting my husband in jail for his DUI and being anxious for what was going to happen and I feel incredibly guilty for all of this because it’s causing me to lose my focus on the amazing testimony of God’s goodness and redemptive power in his life, in our marriage and God’s incredible grace and mercy towards him concerning his legal issues.
Thanks for doing this Mandy. I have been (silently) following your story about infertility and praying for God’s peace over your life.
((Well actually I decided (Holy Spirit’s conviction) to stick with the anonymity out of respect for my husband. I’m quite sure you (and some others) may know who I am due to some of my struggles but again out of reverence and respect for my husband I felt it was important to stay anonymous. I hope you don’t mind.))
I had a feeling it was you just a few sentences into this story… I honor and respect your desire to stay anonymous with this. But thank you for sharing it, too. Good to know you’re still around.
Thanks Mandy.
I didn’t read your post about taking a break and taking care of yourself before I posted otherwise I wouldn’t have posted. I apologize for adding to your burden. I had wondered why your response was short and thought maybe it was because of what I had shared but it all makes sense now. Glad you’re taking care of yourself. Love and blessings.
Thank you and don’t worry! Remember the part where I said I would be checking in for other anonymous comments? I knew that others would be trickling in and was very happy to continue the discussion with them!! There was so clearly a need, and I didn’t want to squelch that.
What if i told you…
…that My husband truly loves me like Christ loves the church and yet after 16 years I find myself just tolerating him
…that I’m having an emotionaly affair with his best friend
…that his best friend is married
…that I want all this to stop and I want to love him back like he loves me
…… That last point gives me so much hope! Does it give you hope as well? You can make choices in this. You can change what’s going on. You really really can.
What if I told you…
…I just took a whole handful of pills, and I don’t know what to do now because they wouldn’t stay down…?
I would tell you that I’m thankful it’s not working… And maybe you should see it as a sign. You’ve been given your life for a reason. I’ve been to two funerals since posting this anonymous post. One was a suicide. One was a full, but short, life. It was so clear that these people were loved. And now missed… Missed terribly.
I know right now your life may not mean much to you, but I’m sure that it does (or will) mean something to someone else… We don’t know what’s next. We don’t know who we’ll meet or how things will turn out… And I hope and pray that your next method to change things will be by talking things out, finding help, getting back on your feet. I’m thinking you’re a fighter. And I’m thinking you’ve been through hard stuff before. And I believe that this too shall pass. It’s never as impossible as it seems…
And there’s another commenter up there who had similar feelings as yours. I don’t want you to miss what was said to him–I pray it gives you hope:
What if I told you, No, BEGGED YOU, not to do it — because I have endured the pain of losing loved ones to suicide three times — and it hurts like nothing ever has or ever will?
What if I told you…pleaded with you..someone I don’t even know, “Please please please please please please please don’t do it…”
Tomorrow is another day, and while I know not what will happen, even in the next hour, I can tell you this one thing: “The sun will rise tomorrow.”
And it may be a beautiful day…
Absolutely Somebody:
Please don’t do it. Trust me, it’s only a moment, and just a feeling.
Think of a funny memory, watch your favorite movie, or make a tuna fish sandwich.
Hey, I never heard anybody say they got depressed eating a tuna fish sandwich, you know?
(Thank you Mandy, for sharing my comment.)
Hey, FUCK YOU Noreaster!!! You think because you went through all that bullshit the rest of us have it easy??? You got shit for brains, you know that? And just what the hell is a tuna fish sandwich going to do for me??? You are SUCH AN ASSHOLE!!! No wonder your friends killed themselves…
Absolutely Somebody:
I can take a few hits.
And I’ll take a million more if it’ll make you feel better.
Trust me.
I can take it. So get as angry as you need to get.
I’m not going anywhere.
Just wanted you to know that “Absolutely” is all right.
Alive.
And exactly that much is right with the world today.
(Whew!)
Goodnight…
Thank you for jumping in and being a part of this latest conversation. As much as I have allowed these anonymous confessions to play out, I take the suicide ones very very seriously.
Glad I’m not the only one.
*smile*
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