I’ve never seen anything like this before.
An overwhelming number of us have things locked deep down inside us that are ruling us. That are causing harm to us and to others. And we are paralyzed by shame and fear and guilt. We are silenced. Muted. For fear of rejection. For fear of losing our jobs. Our families. Our lives.
If anything has been made clear to me, it’s that we are bound by the chains of fear. We are enslaved to it. We are silenced by it.
- What if I told you I battle depression.
- What if I told you that I couldn’t get myself out of this darkness.
- What if I told you I got help.
- What if I told you my body needed supplements for my brain to work like it should.
- What if I told you that I’ve been seeing a therapist for months.
- What if I told you I just started group therapy. Yeah. Like the Bob Newhart/28 Days kind of group therapy.
- What if I told you I’ve been afraid to publicly admit this because I’m having a hard time facing these facts myself.
- What if I told you I’m winning the battle, with the help of my doctor and therapist.
- But, what if I told you that I’m coming out with it right now, in the hopes that you, too, will talk to someone.
Anonymous internet confessions only go so far. They give us a tiny taste of the freedom that we can know. But, there’s a hitch: nobody knows who you are, so technically you’re still hiding, right?
There’s one thing I’ve wanted to say over and over again: Say this out loud. Confess it to a safe person. To a person who can give you, or help you find, the help you need. It doesn’t have to stay this way. It doesn’t have to end this way. Talk to someone.
James words have echoed through my mind over the past two days: Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
Please get that healing we so desperately need. For the sake of your soul. And for the sake of your loved ones.
The biggest turn around for me was when I went to a brother in Christ (prompted by the Spirit) and said. “Here is what I need from you” Now every time I feel the need to confess I have a person to call who will not judge and lovingly encourages as I process what is going on. It was and is the most free part of my walk with Christ, and the freedom from the slavery to sin and guilt has been amazing…
Mandy thank you for your thought processes on this.
And to anyone out there that is still anonymous in their confession. God knows, He cares, and HE LOVES. He does not condemn if you turn to Him. As Peter sank in the waves, Jesus was reaching out His hand to Peter… Do not doubt. Take that hand and let Jesus walk you back to the boat…
Peace and Love
So very true! A few years ago I went into a severe deepression! Nasty! Ask mama! I sought help quickly! I discovered it was a new medication causing it – changed meds and in a couple of weeks I was greatly improved. We need to get help when these things happen.
Mandy,
Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thank you for being real, being honest and allowing others to search themselves and get the help needed. We all need something.
As we break the chains that bind us, we find a freedom that allows us to soar to our highest potential.
Love & Blessings,
Bernadine
Wow! good for you…As Christians, we’re commanded to love one another as ourselves,but if we don’t love ourselves very much what does that bode for our relationships? I see it as our responsibility to get help to remove the blocks to experiencing and sharing love, and I believe that it’s something that the church should be on the front lines of supporting.
Blessings…Carry on Sister!
Alton: Amen to the fact that we should remove the blocks. I completely agree. It starts with the Church offering a safe place for others to confess… Thank you for your words, and welcome to this little corner of the blogosphere.
and an amen to that, this is good, real good. Some of these things in your list have been life savers and sanity helpers for me. We were’nt meant to do this alone! We need each other. Anxiety and depression are serious issues that a lot of us have dealt with- we need to support one another in the pursuit of health and wholeness. Though I was a bit unnerved by the honesty that post produced, I am seeing the good come out of this!
Wonderful thoughts. I was heart broken reading the comments the past two days. Not afraid to say I was among the list of commenters. I hope those hurting will turn to someone…but, first..turn to God. Tell HIM! He knows already…He wants to use it for His glory.
I am in your shoes my friend. Medicine has helped me to a point. I’ve had to deal with some sin issues as well that were keeping me down. Funny how sin does that! I remember after I had my son, Titus, I had post pardum depression…my second time for this. I confessed this to a Wednesday night prayer group at church…tears streaming down my cheeks. After church the Pastor’s wife said to me(with a pat on the back)…”I’m glad you are getting help…I don’t want to hear about any babies in a bathtub.” UGH!!! I was hurt and stunned. Tell someone you can trust! Get help from the right people. Today, I am still on medicine. One book I’d suggest…”Depression: A Stubborn Darkness”.
Thank you for following God’s lead and posting your blog a few days ago. God is using it to help others. I pray strongholds are broken!
(No, I don’t go there to church anymore.
)
Wow Mandy, I would say your courage is heroic. I believe people and God are tired of ‘posers’ who pretend they are something other than who they are. Depression and other mental and spiritual maladies are usually our biggest battles and it’s generally because we are alone with them. Most people can’t even admit or confess these things because of the self righteousness that seems to reign in a lot of church circles. The blog you wrote is real power being released to others who live in the shadows.
Ken! Down with “self-righteousness”
Good to see your face here, man!
It’s interesting.. after reading just a few of the anonymous posts yesterday I got somewhat overwhelmed… I went to work last night thinking and being amazed that even when I can’t even find the words to voice all what bothers me, the Lord knows and doesn’t get overwhelmed… multiply all of our pain by the billions and still the Lord isn’t overwhelmed…
I’ve not returned to ministry in a church setting because of my last experience. I served in my home church only to find myself under the leadership of a very arrogant pastor who made the last 6 months of my ministry pure Hell. Feeling utterly worthless and destroyed, the Lord made the way possible for me to rediscover the joy of ministry in a Christian college setting working in Student Development. With the help of meds and a Christian therapist, I not only saw the light, but found a renewed strength. I know who I am in Christ… I like who I am. I couldn’t have said that in 95-97.
And what if I told you that I’ve been going to counselling for over a year and I don’t want to go anymore coz I feel like I’m running around in circles? From last year to now I’ve thrown counselors at my marital problems, and I’ve been having a weekly counseling session for myself personally … but I still feel lost. I have been hinting to my counselor that I’m thinking of quitting because I see no point in it all – but we haven’ t officially touched that topic yet. Because of work commitments and other things I have not been to see the counselor for about 4 weeks straight – but I really don’t want to start back again.
And all I’ll say to this, “Confess it to a safe person….”
Is
“I thought I did”
I can imagine how you still feel lost, especially if you aren’t seeing where anything has changed. But, you know, you’ve been leaving comments here for a while now, and I still believe there’s a strength and Light in you. I do. There are a lot of people out there who have been helped by counseling, even though it can be a slow and arduous process, I know that for sure. But there are some people out there who won’t even take the steps you’ve taken to talk this out–to see someone about and to really work through change.
Thank you, Mandy…. that means a lot. “…I still believe there’s a strength and Light in you. I do.”
I am so grateful for that. Even if I don’t feel it right now.
Love you.
I’ve read you comments here and on Tam’s pages and I believe that you are stronger than you think! I don’t know too many Bajan men who would go and seek counselling! You might not see any results now but later on something may trigger a new direction for you and I pray that it will be very evident!
Yeah for counseling. My husband and I got counseling a couple years ago (yes while at seminary), and it was VERY helpful, but we found that you get out of it what you put into it (assuming the counselor is doing their job). There are many reasons that counseling might not work well (unwise counsel, lack of personal willingness to change, new situations clouding the work you’ve been doing, etc.). I am in counseling again, this time to deal with the physical loss of my mom and the emotional loss of my dad. It is overwhelming and goes way slower than I would prefer, but I have been blessed to have been advised well by my pastor, as to what Christian counselor to see. I find that the slow pace forces me to REALLY dig and deal with the problems that I have perceived as smaller issues. I hope that through your blog others are able to take the steps to seek and find help, in whatever form they need it. Thanks for sharing, and giving others the freedom to do so. Miss you friend.
Hey friend…. I’m glad to hear you’re back “on the couch” working through all that stuff with your family. You’re strong. You are. But this has been a long and difficult journey for you. I know…
Miss you too.
Thank you for sharing your heart so openly here Mandy. Your courage will certainly beget courage in others. You have given so many the gift of going second. You’ve gone first so now they can go too. Thanks for being so courageous. You inspire more than you will ever know.
I heard an old man in a red hoodie at an AA meeting say this six years ago, and I’ve never forgotten it: “My secrets keep me sick”.
So I try to purge every so often, so to speak.
me too friend… me too… thank you for sharing this. I had no idea…
I was getting ready to type a similar comment to Keeda… so proud of you for showing this courage
mandy, how freeing it is to unmask the secrets. i battled depression about 6 years ago and i was in that dark place where you feel like you can’t get out. hopeless is the only word i can use to describe that time. only a few people knew what i was going through then. i was so ashamed because i was a christian who battled depression. i got the courage to talk about it more openly and faced the shame head on. i discovered by sharing my story it may help others somehow.
oh my heart. i love you. i’m proud of you for writing these words here.
you bring healing to those who feel hopeless. thank you!
I dont know if this is the place to get this off my chest or not, I just dont know what to do to change it, and Im not even sure how to pray about it, though I have tried, thank goodness the Lord can read my heart, cause the words sure dont come the way I want them to then. Here’s the senerio, I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, and was disfellowshipped from them over 25 yrs ago, my mother was also disfellowshipped about 20 yrs ago. She and I were very close. Two yrs ago, mother decided she wanted to go back to that, I prefer to find something that I dont feel is a cult and is based in Gods love, and truth. Last year my mother told me (eventually) that she could no longer have anything to do with me, unless I were to beg forgiveness, change my ways and go back to them, that is not an option for me. My Dad, is a neutral party and I am still able to visit him, only if it’s arranged else where, or Mom is given notice so she can make sure not to be home. My husband and I have attended the Baptist church locally some, is a very small country church as we are in a very rural area, and we just have not been able to commit ourselves to regular attendance.
There are just so many other factors playing in our lives now, and they are affecting our spiritual relationships. Like I said at the begining of this, I dont know if this was the place to put it, but as with so many of the others, I felt that I needed to get it out, and scream on paper. I have been able to get over the very angry feelings I had for my mother when this first came up, and realize she is doing as she feels is correct, and so do I both with our principles that can not bend. But we are neither getting any younger either, with mom in her 70s and Im in my 50s.
Mandy thank you for your posts and opportunities, I enjoy following and admire your work, wit and sense of humor, you are a jewel!
Holly:
I’m so sorry to read this about your family… I really am. I didn’t know. I’m just shaking my head at this story.
I’m really close to my mom, and would be heartbroken if something like this happened between us… But you’re right, God knows your heart in this. And it’s not too late for some sort of miracle to happen between you & yours. Maybe she’ll realize she’s not getting any younger, and reach out to you. I pray for that!
Thank you for keeping up with me, even from so far away.
mandy
Mandy,
This was an amazing response, but you hit the nail on the head, confession is just the beginning. When we see that speaking out, letting our little secret pains, sins, and torments etc. does not kill us, but actually frees us to begin to heal and become whole again.
I go to a church that is huge, (on holidays this year-26k) and on of our married, father pastors who is highly admired went before the church and told us he had an addiction to porn. We all sat slack jawed at the confession and request for prayers to beat the addiction. This was new territory for us, to see that type of broken humility on sunday morning service. Looking back now, I view that man as a hero warrior who put God first and became dead to his selfish pride in an attempt to best serve God. Secret confession is definantly a beginning, but for us to mature in the faith we must go to the next level.
Last but not least, Mandy, I was led to this site by Jenny Rain a while back. I have to say sister, your careful, thoughtful responses to “every” one who anonymously commented speaks volumes about your charachter and integrity. I am happy to call you sister. God Bless
Jim
http://www.blesseddad.wordpress.com
BlessedDad:
I’m so thankful your pastor had the strength to confess… I’m sure amazing things have come from it.
As for what happened here, and my replies to everyone: eh… I did what any other blogger with half a heart and an ounce of compassion would do. Those of us who have been actively involved in social media–we get it. We know that there are real people on the other side of other computer screens. And we know that our words, as multitudinous(!) as they are, may mean something to somebody. There are a vast number of other bloggers who would’ve responded the same way if something like this (quite unexpectedly) happened on their blog.
Thank you for your words, and for coming back here.
~mandy