I’m in a group of women who are on this semi-secret mission to support a mutual friend as she completes a major life task. She invited us to walk beside her, and we’ve become a sort of sorority with secret bracelets and books. (Don’t ask questions. That’s all you’re gonna get outta me. I’ve been keeping this secret for 6 months.)
I’ve also been jamming with a bunch of my favorite girlfriends who have decided to be a bit of a girl-band. It’s like… it’s like pure security. It’s like I can walk into the room and know that I have a place at the “table.” It’s the complete opposite of my High School lunch periods, but that had more to do with me and my issues than any of them. (And I mean that, y’all. I know some of you read this.)
I felt that very same belonging feeling with my group of friends at seminary. We all rallied around one another for foot soakings and bible studies and birthday parties. I miss them…
I want to be a person who can share that sense of belonging with others. To create a “community” around my life. Especially since not everyone has that feeling. But, I know that the more people I invite in, the bigger the group gets. And, soon little groups split off from one big Cheers bar where everyone hangs out, to a two story bar/restaurant with lots of rooms and tables and mini-conversations happening all at once. And not everybody knows everybody’s name. Gah. That’s when my introversion kicks into high gear and I just wanna hole up in a corner of the room with two or three other people and have our own little thing going.
But, instead, I’m going to float between tables–spend deliberate time with deliberate groups in deliberate conversations.
*Here’s to making time. Cheers.*
How do you find that sense of belonging in life?
I haven’t found said feeling of belonging in many years. Virtually always feel like an outsider. Like you said, some of that’s me, but that’s how it feels, anyway.
I’ve had to fight that feeling as well. You know this… It’s hard. It’s real hard sometimes. But I’ve found that it has more to do with what’s going on in my brain that what is going on outside of me… Granted, sometimes it’s really difficult to change our own minds!
Please don’t think of this as envy – that carries such negative energy and that isn’t what I feel at all. What you describe resonates so deeply with me, is so much of what I want in my life, too. But so not what is there right now. And can I just say I am weary of justifying the desire for it? So glad it is there for you. Gives some of us some hope. Rock on!
I haven’t always felt that, Robin. For so so many years of my life I’ve felt more like the outsider. There have been times when this sense of community has come easily, and other times when it hasn’t come at all. My thankfulness is so clear because of the moments where I haven’t felt like I belonged.
And, you know what, I think family can be that for a lot of people–it should be that, actually… I know you’ve been a long season of “familly” in your life.
Same thing happens with our MOPS group. We work and work to grow the group and help women who need it the most…. and then group gets so big that women start branching off into smaller groups, and then you inevitably get the “cliques” complaint. Always happens when groups grow!
It’s a natural human tendency. We can only have “deep” relationships with so many people. I think it’s ok. Of course, it’s harder for those who are either extremely introverted (and feel outside of the groups) or those who are radically social butterflies and want to be besties with everyone. The rest of us just naturally gravitate to the middle and enjoy our smallish groups. Splinter cells. haha
ha! I’m a mix I think. I’m a radical social butterfly, but that doesn’t mean I want to be your new best friend. That just means I want to get to know you and chit chat and have fun and then move along. My “besties” are the ones I hang out with in private so as not to make the rest of the room feel uncomfortable.
And I agree, deep relationships can’t happen with everyone, and that is OKAY! Hear that grown women stuck in the minds of 12 year olds?? ha! I remember that problem when I was a kid…. girls being jealous because they weren’t friends with so and so…. and seriously, it still happens when they grow up.
I’ve always, even as an adult, had 2 or 3 close friends, and the rest are just friends…. and I love that. You can’t spread yourself so thin to everyone all the time! The awesome thing about moving so much though, is that at every base you find those 2 or 3 people and they stick with you forever…. you just never see them again. Love the internet!
I was just kidding (mildly) about that never seeing them again thing.
You don’t wanna be my new best friend? dangit.
I totally get the “besties” thing… But I’m the one that hangs with them no matter what room I’m in. I’ve gotta get better at reaching out to everyone. I guess I’m not yet sensitive or confident enough to go for it… I’m still too absorbed in myself and my own comfort levels.
I like this Mandy. I like you, too(I hope you knew that already). I don’t know how I find it, or hot TO find it. I’m still learning.
It’ll happen, Mandy. It takes a lotta time and vulnerability. And probably a few sad stories over coffee as well… It didn’t come easily for me, but I’ve since embraced the vulnerability necessary to really connect with others on a deeper level. Find safe people & make time for them & begin to share bits and pieces of yourself. It takes a while, but it can happen.
ps: I like you too!
when we lived in knoxville it was the most fun we have ever had as a couple. it was the first time we had “couple” friends that were our own age. it was great! i miss that.
in 2002, we moved back to the west coast and the first few years were great! we had a great core group of friends we hung out with. we celebrated birthdays, holidays, random day trips, sporting events, all the fun quirky things you do with friends. it was so much fun. but the group has slowly dwindled, people have moved away or moved on and i feel like we are left alone at the lunch table. i miss that.
but i’m optimistic that the fun-friend-filled wave is bound to come back around and i’m ready for it!
I’m glad you already know what this type of community looks like! It means you’re more likely to appreciate it and be open to it.
Not everyone can say that. I think when we put ourselves in the right places and maintain openness to finding and investing in friendships, we’re bound to find some people. Unfortunately, our world is FULL of lonely people… It’s not hard to find others who wanna share their lives with us.
That’s one reason why I never did The Church of Misfits online. I had a fear that it would become too big and that those who needed it most would be shuffled to the back seats. When things become too big, we often lose the personal relationship with those we are serving…
…and that was a compromise I could not make.
Agreed. I think there’s a time & place for large group stuff & small group stuff. As group leaders, we have to be aware of when we’re pulling in for small group dynamics & when we need to reach out for large group dynamics. Sometimes success is NOT about how many ppl we can fit in our mtgs. It’s about how many people are really truly being affected by what we’re doing. And sometimes that can only be accomplished in smaller settings. The wise leader is sensitive to those differences.
I seem to enjoy being by myself more than most other people I know. I also have the sense that I am a part of the micro community of my personal friends and neighbors, and the macro community of the city, country, and world I live in.
I make friends where ever I go. Where ever I have friends I know I belong.
Forming “cliques” is as you say human nature. I will sometimes try to act as a bridge between two different groups to avoid having to “choose” between them.
Ed, I appreciate how you’re not afraid to reach across divides and make friends with those who aren’t like you. I know you’ve enriched my view of life and this little internet community by just being you here. Thank you.
ha! I’m a mix I think. I’m a radical social butterfly, but that doesn’t mean I want to be your new best friend. That just means I want to get to know you and chit chat and have fun and then move along. My “besties” are the ones I hang out with in private so as not to make the rest of the room feel uncomfortable.
And I agree, deep relationships can’t happen with everyone, and that is OKAY! Hear that grown women stuck in the minds of 12 year olds?? ha! I remember that problem when I was a kid…. girls being jealous because they weren’t friends with so and so…. and seriously, it still happens when they grow up. I’ve always, even as an adult, had 2 or 3 close friends, and the rest are just friends…. and I love that. You can’t spread yourself so thin to everyone all the time! The awesome thing about moving so much though, is that at every base you find those 2 or 3 people and they stick with you forever…. you just never see them again. Love the internet! 