I’ve been sleeping incredibly well lately, which is a beautiful experience. Too bad I’m asleep for most of it. 
teeheeee!!
But, there have been–and are–and will be–moments where I’m painfully awake. Mind-racing. Stirring. Wandering. Or specific. Thinking about those things, whatever they are at whatever time, that keeps me awake at night.
For most of these moments, I’m overwhelmed… I’m staring, not at the ceiling, but figuratively at a something that seems impossible–that’s “bigger than me” in some way. And I’m gonna fail in creativity, work, relationships. Those are my big categories. Everything falls into those three importances. And, well… I guess I’m scared. I guess the kid in me who refused to close her eyes for fear that Aliens were going to get her, now looks at the world through grown-up eyes and can’t sleep because of the “monsters” that are out there.
I guess my monster is failure.
What’s your monster? What keeps you up at night?
I’m a chronic non-sleeper, a trait that my children obviously inherited. Traumatic childhood stuff still comes back to haunt me at night, but I don’t think that’s where we’re going with this.
I too am a mind racer, lying in bed wondering if I’m making the right decisions for my family. If I’m a good mom, wife, friend, and analyzing how I can do things differently to achieve better results. I do a lot of “Tomorrow, this is how it’s going to go”, playing through different scenarios. I also find that I feel the longings in my heart surface most at night. Waiting until the hustle of the day stops to remind me that there are goals in life I want to achieve, and I take stock of my progress towards those goals. I also notice how God has moved me closer to them and to Him through little “coincidences” in life. I guess you could say night time is my time of renewed resolve & strategic life planning, because sleeping at night is so last season;) (Glad to hear you’ve been sleeping well though:))
I’m sorry to hear that *real* stuff haunts you at night. I have a friend who used to wake up absolutely petrified. And, yeah, she also had such a hard time falling asleep… It isn’t as bad now. But took therapy and trust and a lot of healing…
I’m glad you’ve learned to fill that time with good stuff, though! It’s all part of the rewriting process.
failure is a big monster of mine. well actually when i think about it most of them stem back to failure…the little monster of doing the wrong thing, not hearing exactly what God wants, not fitting in, being too much, not being enough, not being where i’m supposed to be. yeah. they’re all connected. eish. and when i lay awake at night…i make lists. lists of things to do, things i want to do, where my heart wants to be, and what i should be doing. yeahhh i’m an achiever =)
Hey listen. I know you’re a busy young woman, and have a lot going on. But I hear you on this. I hear you… If you have time, read “Decision-Making and the Will of God” — it may rock your boat, but if you take to heart what Friesen is saying, you’ll be able to sleep better at night.
When I’m awake at night…(which doesn’t seem to happen very often, but when it does…it’s the whole night) I create the giant converstations that I need/want to have with one person or another. Things that I need to say, things I wish I’d said, things I’d like to ask, ideas I’d like to share-things that sound so brilliant at 2:30 a.m. But then the morning comes…half of it has been forgotten, and the other half doesn’t sound quite like it did 5 hours before…and most of it never gets said. Never really thought about that until now.
That happens for me with convos, blog posts, and even song ideas. And, yeah, when sunshine hits my mind, the grand ideas sort of become clearer — and I realize they were probably bad ideas to begin with.
Fear of abandonment/loss…loss of faith, loss of health, loss of friends. Through counseling and more trust in God the monster got smaller, but it’s still there creeping up in my weaker moments.
Counseling & group are two of the best things I’ve done in the past 1 1/2 years…
Not sure – unless its my “need” to “fix” everything. I guess its the “Fix It Monster”. I butt into stuff thats not my business and I need to do better at backing off. I am not sure that fits your category, but it is a problem for me.
It used to very much be a problem of mine. Then I read “Boundaries.”
I’m sure you’ve heard of that book! My therapist also has this little illustration she uses to help us understand what’s in our “circle of influence.” and now I find myself asking: Is this in my circle? If it’s not, then I can’t do anything about it and should probably just fall asleep. But that is SOOOO second-nature for me. I am, at heart, a controlling worrier. Yep.
Loneliness is my monster…. and the need for physical affection…. not being with someone after having them next to you in bed for 9 years takes a toll on you when you are desperate to feel someone’s arms around you when you’ve had a bad day….
Ugghhh… I know that’s a bad one for ya. And I’m sure it just makes nights unbearable sometimes. I’m sorry. Hoping, as God heals you and restores you, there’ll be arms waiting for you…
i’m afraid i’ll lose my voice and not be able to talk.
(though my wife might think this an improvement every once in a while…)
hehehe. You’ve got a most interesting take on life–and it just sneaks out in these comments sometimes!
Virtually nothing keeps me awake at night. I sleep well but never enough.
But my monster is that everything I have done to this point feels like a waste and there’s not much use to try now. It isn’t true, but I feel as though I’ve never succeeded at anything and have already failed as completely as you are afraid you will. Make sense?
So I guess that boils down to regret and sadness, even though I’ve not had a bad life by any means. God has been really good to me. But Satan drags me down – as does my own nature – with backward looks. I don’t feel that I’ve got a lot left to look forward to, so maybe my monster is that I don’t look forward to anything. I don’t trust the future to be good. I KNOW that I don’t trust God like I would like to. I know He’s been good, but to a certain extent I always live in fear of when the other shoe will drop.
That’s a lot of rambling that says nothing. Gee whiz, Bernard, get to the point.
I have no point
I known hopelessness…. And, at the time, there was nothing worse, really. I think my “looking up” came when I started finding “something” outside of that hopelessness. Took a lot of acceptance and trust (gosh, I can’t believe I’m typing that word) and a bit of faith. And rambling, which was really an exploration of what I was feeling. It is what it is. And that’s ok. Point or no point.
I am like Bernard, I don’t lose alot of sleep, I just don’t get enough.. Most definately fear of failure is a HUGE monster. Incredibly!!
But the other one is of dying. I know I am heaven bound but, did I leave a legacy, a mark, a difference in someones life?
I think we, as human creatures, have this innate desire for significance. And, honestly, I think it came when things changed during the fall. Our awareness of self changed drastically in that event–in the eating of that fruit–or whatever happened… When it happened, Adam & Eve saw themselves very differently and we’ve been living with the results of their awareness and shame every since. And we’ve been living with the motivation to be better, do better, or else hide who we are. Geeze. I think I’m rambling. But somewhere in there it all connects to a striving. And understanding that we were created to be better than we are. And, I think that plays through in SO many areas of our lives… SO many areas.
… those blasted late night snacks. (Death of me!)
haha! Yeah. Dairy. Should’ve mentioned that as one of my monsters.
it’s usually after i teach a class (whether at work or church) i spend the night in bed obsessively thinking about what i could/should have done to make the class better.
Which will make you a better teacher in the end, I suppose… Unless you can find ways to actually incorporate this type of reflection in the daylight hours, make a list of immediate improvements so your “not-good-enough” alarm will cease, and then maybe sleep a bit.
Loss. Losing my loved ones. Losing too many important moments. Losing who I am in the craziness of life. Etc.
But, like you, I’m learning to remember what is within my circle of influence and what is not. I can’t control the future. I can’t control the what if’s. I have to keep working on letting go of the moments I’ve not been my best and focus on the moments I still have.
I’m guessing you don’t do well with change.
And I don’t like being not in control, if I may use strange grammar! I think we should hit up Panera and talk it out…
I don’t like change, but I’m learning to accept it. Panera…I’ll meet you half way.
If we start driving now, we can be there–wherever there is–for a late night snack!
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It depends on the night.
The majority of the time i fear about being inactive. being all talk and no game. doing nothing and standing back and criticizing. Never learning that one lesson that God wants me to learn or doing this that God wanted me to do.
It is that whole saying that you are never doing enough and that you will never do enough.
Whew… That’s gotta lead to some tough nights. When do you know it’s enough? Do we ever do enough? Or is that the whole flippin’ point of the Sabbath discipline…?
Good point Sadly, the Sabbath is seen as an old ritual that doesn’t really “apply” to 21st century.
I think it is time to bring back that day of rest!
I think, even more than needing the day of rest, we need the concept of rest.
I’m returning to the concept of rest, in that there’s a time to “cease from striving.” And, you know what? It’s an effort of worship and humility in my life. Seriously. I have to finally drop my hands in acceptance that I can’t do it all…. And I’m not God…. And He is…….. And that’s that……. But, it’s a conscious effort of my will.
But, it’s an easy choice when I think of the alternative: anxiety and depression and burn out and over-achievement and pride and a lack of self control and no boundaries and health problems.
Since I (unlike you) don’t make lists, it’s the lists in my head that keep me up at night. I guess I fear leaving something undone which often happens. I know I need to get organized and write stuff down but that has always been a struggle for me. Fortunately, though, this problem doesn’t keep me up long. After 5-15 minutes on most nights, I’m out!
You know what? I started making lists for that very reason. I’d just have ‘em cycling through my head at night, or else I’d wake up & then get rolling with the lists, and it’d keep me awake. So now I write it all down & when I get worried I just tell myself that I’ve got it all on the list! Of course, if you ever run into me and I’ve got a list on the back of my left hand, you know it’s a bad day/week.
Well, I usually sleep fine, but what keeps me aw–zzzzzzzzzz….
Lookie who reads my blog!
I am quite a fearful person and when I can’t sleep it’s usually cos of a fear of monsters…but I’m ashamed to say that at 21 years old it’s still spooky things that scare me. I think my fear of monsters/ghosts in my life is more a fear of lack of preparation; in my scared fantasies I’m not sure when to react because I’m not sure when to believe it’s real, therefore I die.
This realisation hasn’t helped me from staying awake long into the night, jumping at every bump and even worrying that my boyfriend is going to turn round, possessed, and kill me!