They sat in my living room last night, all seven of them. And they listened to me as I shared one way I need to grow as we prepare to start this new campus.
Drew gave us that question as our homework last week, and honestly I hadn’t thought it through until sitting there. And, when it was my turn to share, it was all I could do to keep from bawling on the spot.
So, I reminded him that when I got married, I didn’t want to marry a pastor. I just wanted to marry Drew.
And here he is starting this new campus for The Chapel. And I’ve spent the past 4 months saying “This is Drew’s dream. This is Drew’s baby. This is Drew’s project.” And it is. But I think I’ve been using those words as a buffer; as a way for me to separate myself from what it means to be a preacher’s wife.
I’ve been in denial.
And this whole process feels a lot like standing in front of a mirror and finally seeing myself. Or like walking into a party painfully underdressed. And now here we are meeting each week and gearing up spiritually and mentally, and people are calling Drew their pastor and they are our parents’ ages, and I just want to slip out of the room mumbling “I’m not ready. I’m not ready.”
Because I’m not ready.
I’m not even ready for church from Sunday to Sunday right now. And I’m certainly not qualified to be a pastor’s wife. And there’s this tiny curled up part of me that is scared he’s going to figure this out soon and tell me I need to get it together. But I know better. He never will. He knows I don’t like me, either.
But I love him.
And that is my confession. And it is enough. For now.
Do you have anything you need to confess?
Great post, Mandy, Thanks for your authenticity on this.
Thank you Heather…
Wow! What an adventure you guys are on. I can’t wait to her more about it!
Here’s my confession: everytime I see that you have a new blog post, my heart skips a beat because I’m so excited to read what you have to say.
ha! One day I will bore you, Tay. One day.
That church needs YOU and not someone else. That church’s pastor needs YOU too. Miss you, friend.
Miss you Rachel… Lots and lots.
I got a little misty while reading. I could have written every word of this. THANK YOU for sharing, Mandy. I love you!!! I do. And I wish I could sit across from you and talk about this very topic with you.
Love you too, JR. It would be nice to talk again.
My wife didn’t marry a pastor either. I was far from it when we met and married. Although I will carry the pastor role very soon, she’ll never be a pastor’s wife….never. And I’m 100% ok with that. God called me to this life, not her. She loves and supports and fights for an undeserving country. Not everything has to be as it always has been and we definitely will not fit into any molds created by ancient pastors and their wives.
.
You’re ready because you’re in it.
Everything in me tells me I’m not ready either, but I also know that I am.
And I confess that ready or not, here I come
I’m convinced that, if given the chance, your wife and I would get along famously! Go do the thang, Toby. You love people, and that’s what’s most important.
Way to go making me cry….I love this. I can relate to this in a sense. Not in the wife of a pastor way, but in the sense that I didn’t realize who I needed to be or be prepared for when I married my husband. I’m sure no one really does/is prepared, but when you reach that moment that you think Oh. My. God. It’s scary, but beautiful that they’re probably thinking the same thing.
Marriage is SO much more than I ever though it would be.
ANd now, I think I’ve gone WAAAAY off topic.
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I’m glad you’re my people. really.
It does feel a bit like that “jump” in marriage… But this time, I’m looking at myself thinking I’m not cut out for the job. Not just that I’m unprepared. I know what it takes. And I ain’t got it right now… Don’t worry. Drew’s on his way home right now.
This is how I felt in seminary…about God’s calling me to be a pastor…most surprised, and most reluctant. And, this was SO how I felt many times over our first 20 years of marriage when my husband was doing the entrepreneurial thing…”I am so done with this…I so don’t want this!” HUGE refining fires…HUGE opportunities for transformation, ALL God’s work and invitation…all we have to do is admit to Him our resistance and ask Him to help us even want to take His hand in the journey. Then, stand back and be amazed at His tender loving cords of Grace irresistibly drawing you in, working with your feet of clay and seemingly still stone cold heart. Only then can you honestly, HUMBLY, say, “To God be the Glory, GREAT things He has done!”
I look forward to being on the other side of this as you’ve described… I think we all have our “moments” don’t we? Thanks for commenting, Laurel. I’m really glad you did!
What exactly makes a pastor’s wife any different from any other broken, yet being mended; lost, but being found; hurt; but finding healing; bound, but finding freedom, human being out there?
Just be you. You’re also a pastor, not just the pretty sideshow. Don’t think of pastor in societal terms, think of it spiritually. I know you, and am getting to know you better, and if I’m right you’ve been pastoring people already. It isn’t something your husband does while you cheer him on from the sidelines. It is a life of living and doing and BEING the wonderful person God has created you to be with others. Not for them…with them!
Now we all know what a great guy Drew is! No doubt about it! But one of the reasons he’s great is because you and he are journeying through this life together. He has a priceless gift in you. In the natural, it may seem like his intelligence and fervor for the ministry are what qualifies him for pastoring but I’ll guarantee that the fact that he’s married to you and has you as a constant partner, friend, and soulmate are really what qualifies him. And the same for you – you have each other and that’s what qualifies you!!
Not degrees. Not experience. Not titles. Not a perfect, neat, arranged life. Not perfect smiles or flawless hair. Not anything temporal.
Just be you! You’re already a great friend, encourager, teammate, challenger, creator, artist, etc. Add to that your seemingly effortless talent of transparent expression and I think you are exactly the right sort of qualified to be a “pastor’s wife.”
That is unless you use the word “vacay” regularly – then that cancels everything else out.
I just need to 100% echo everything Russ just said. I’d also recommend hooking up w/ Amber. She’s the coolest pastor’s wife – loves being who she is, and I think to most, they’d never know she was a “pastor’s wife” …. totally comfortable in who she is.
I know exactly what you mean. I married a graphic designer who six months in started feeling the call into ministry. I have never been ready to be the pastor’s wife and I bet every other pastor’s wife out there feels the same or at least has.
I read this as soon as you posted it, but I wasn’t exactly sure how to convey my feelings to you. I still feel unprepared, but I’m going to try.
First, while I don’t know what its like to be a pastor’s wife, I do know what it is like to marry someone without fully realizing what you’re getting into. I knew my husband was a fireman but I didn’t realize that not only would I be living without him at home one(or two) days out of three, I’d be spending nights not sleeping, but praying that the fire he called me from during a break wouldn’t claim his or his brothers’ lives. I knew he saw unimaginable pain, but I had no clue I’d be his sounding board, his comforter, the one who finds someone at our brand new church and begs them to pray for husband who just had a baby die in his arms. I wasn’t ready for any of that, but here I am. I know God put us together, but there are times I do think that I can’t handle this life, that its too much. So I can see how you can feel that overwhelmed, want to run & hide feeling.
With that said though, I’m going to be totally genuine with you and tell you that in my heart, you’re just as much of a minister. You’ve ministered to my heart since I began getting to know you. I’ve honestly had the thought in reading some of your posts of “Thank God, she’s a real person.” I feel like I can relate to you, like you have quirks and you can be who you are, and no one looks down on you. One of the huge things that kept me from church so long was unauthentic behavior. You are so, well, real, and that is such a relief and blessing to my heart. You (and Drew
) have given me a renewed hope that there are people out there that you could see living a godly life and grab coffee with them and feel completely comfortable. So while you may not fit the role of stereotypical “preacher’s wife”, in my eyes you are SO much more.
I’m convinced God chooses the broken and ones who say “I can’t do that” so in these moments of surrender He says “I CAN.” It is not the most easy place to be, but watching God work instead of me is more beautiful than words can describe…glorious. I confess I don’t always let God have control.
PS. Oh I was going to say it’s all over the Old Testament…God choosing people that that they or the world didn’t think were worthy….David, Moses, Joshua, etc….
yes.
and i made one small section on my most recent post italicized and now all my posts are. help.
Hey, I just read your post. I’m excited for you!
You may never “feel ready”. I’ve been a pastor’s wife for 10 years & a lot of the time I don’t feel ready or equipped. But you take it like anything else… One day, one moment at a time.
Right before I got married, someone said to my Mom, “This is a lot of responsibility. Does Courtney know what to expect (as a pastor’s wife)?” My Mom’s reply, “No. Of course not. She’s never done this before.” I thought it was a great answer b/c it reminded me that I’m not supposed to have all the answers or always know what to do or say. But God does. And He’ll tell me if I ask.
With this new level of ministry will also come a new level of blessing. Believe it. :)
oh girl… i love you.
my confession? i never thought and wanted my “platform” to be of one from an adulterers perspective. sometimes i hate it. usually, i hate it. but it is what it is… and my place of pain will also be my place of reign. i don’t want to ever be there again… and i fear i could find myself there.
there’s my confession.
I’ve been reading around on your blog and I’m in tears. I love your honesty. I know it’s not something you’re proud of…but THANK YOU for being open about your testimony. My family has a long history of infidelity, but it is not something anyone talks about. It is something to be hidden away in the dark.
But HOW can you hide what might change someone else’s life?! I know it’s not something to throw around lightly…but no one ever takes the opportunity to talk to others that might need help.
my confession:
i almost never know what i’m doing…. i figure out 99% of it as i go along. everyone thinks i’m really smart, but the truth of the matter is i’m not smart enough to know i’m totally in over my head.
and, that’s where God comes in. you’re not supposed to feel ready – ever (reference any character in the whole entire Bible).
ya’ll are gonna be great. not because of you – but, because God is great
Thank you Carolyn. Some days I’m panicked. Other days I’m as certain as I can be. Today is a “certain” day, and I’m holding on to it.
I loved your blog and I loved your honesty. Thanks for being so authentic.
God bless!
Jenny Moore
http://www.writingjen.com
Funny how sometimes…o.k it’s not, that’s just an expression. But why is that God sometimes throws into situations that we don’t feel ready for? My confession is that a few months ago I started attending this church because 1. I was looking for a church that I felt at home, but 2. A girl invited me. At first she seemed really interested in me, and we’d talk and went out a few times, than all of a sudden she panics and went right into complete avoidance. Now I’m at this church working with the youth and this girl has left the church and the youth pastor and pastor are super excited to have me around and there might be implications of me taking on a big role with the youth. I’m thinking to myself I wasn’t expecting this! I’m feeling a little stuck. However when I take a step back and breath I realize that God has never failed me. I just might be where He intends rather I intended it or not.
Girls have a way of luring the fellas, don’t they? Sometimes it’s better to focus on where you are, rather than looking so hard at how you got there. And it sounds like you are in a good place right now and sorta like it.
Thank you for being open and honest. It allows freedom for everyone else.
My confession: I didn’t mean to marry a missionary, or become one. but here I am. and some days I am thinking whaaaaat am I doing heeeeere? Jesus, PLEASE take me HOME! I want to be with my family. But of course, I cannot tell my family that because they WANT me home.
I started a new blog today. I wasn’t going to share it publicly…but then I realized, someone might need to know that me…a missionary…someone people put on an undeserved pedestal, feels far from Jesus. It’s not pretty. It’s just honest.
http://www.amandalaura.wordpress.com
Sounds like God has big plans for you as well.
I can hear some of myself in this as well. I married my husband embracing the likelihood that he would be a pastor, but it wasn’t as simple as I thought. Two people passionately working together for the Kingdom of God can get complicated with poor perspective, unforeseen factors, and insecurities.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s encouragement to keep examining, keep growing, and stop hiding.
Thank you for your words as well, Crystal. Drew and I have been working together in ministry for most of our relationship (10 yrs) but that doesn’t make it any easier, does it?
Seems you’re not alone. I call it my husbands mid-life crises as he was 40 when our life took a sharp direction change into full-time ministry. Thanks for sharing yourself here.
Thank you for coming by & commenting, Debby.