7/11/11, 10:02am
I’m realizing now, more than ever, that I crave solitude and silence. I’m “one of those people.”
This affirmation came from a short convo with our bass player yesterday. It also came from two little ones who are hanging out at our house all week–holding me happily captive between the words “Aunt” and “Mandy.”
And, right now as my fingers hit the keys, I’m sitting in my kitchen in my favorite spot. And I’m the only one in the whole house. And I can hear the whirrrr of the refrigerator and the buzz of the insects outside who are calling for the rain. And look out the window to check on the weather conditions that might chase my niece and nephew off the beach and back into my house.
But in this moment there’s enough external quiet to help me find some internal quiet. And the internal quiet is really really quiet today. And it’s telling me that I’m at peace with very many aspects of my life right now.
And, sometimes that’s all a girl can ask for.
The quiet is telling me that I love my husband in more ways than I can imagine. And I’m so thankful to be by his side as he starts this new campus. And, even though I don’t know what our lives or our family will look like by January, I wouldn’t want to walk this adoption road with anyone but him.
And the quiet tells me that we aren’t crazy. We’re just …. us. This is how we do things. We have time. And we have energy. And we have dreams for our church and our family and our pursuits. And why not just go for all of them at once? I honestly can’t think of a good reason not to.
Honestly.
Oh. And also, the quiet tells me that I’m ok with myself right now. I’m ok with my new routines and my new world and all that is new and all that will be new in just a short amount of time.
Your turn to write now. What’s going on?
I desperately want to have fun with my family without the sibling rivalry tension that is so dominant. My kids are incredibly awesome, but they just can’t get along for more than about 6 minutes in a row.
And it destroys me.
That sounds really tough, Bernard. Wish I could relate in some way. But I don’t have any Tiny Thompsons in my life right now.
Hmmm. . .
I’m thankful for where I’m at in my marriage right now. It’s been a long road to peace in our home. And I’m thankful that we’re finally there.
But at the same time, I find myself in inner turmoil – trying to find my “place” in God and in my relationship with Him. Finding out that there are some root things from my past I’m needing to deal with so that I may fully embrace Him and all He can be in my life. So in this moment, I feel heavy and a bit sad. (still processing it through)
And right now, I’m excited. My girls (15 and 4) have been in KY for a month now hanging out with my side of the family (I moved to SC when I was 19) – so I miss them and am anxious to have us all back together again.
xxx M.
I don’t take marriages like this for granted. It’s tough. And it takes work. But it’s worth it! I’m glad to read that yours is in a good place right now, Mary. And I hope y’all can set up camp and hang out there for a long long time. Thanks for the update, and enjoy it when your girls come home.
Moms piled their kids in their minivans, tiny American flags in hand. Farmers threw their American flags in the back of their pick-up trucks. Military veterans put on their uniforms. News truck from all the local news stations drove into town, positioning their cameras to get the best shot. Kids got out their magic markers and glitter to create posters. All these preparations were being made in my hometown last week to welcome home a local Marine. But, instead of walking off an airplane to his homecoming, he was brought home in a flag draped casket.
Thousands of people stood for over two hours along the funeral procession route just to get the chance to show their honor and respect for the fallen soldier. I had the privilege of being one of those people. When the procession drove by, all the people around me went silent. Hands were placed over hearts. Flags proudly held high in the air. Silent prayers whispered. Many tears shed. It was so moving to be able to be a part of that moment. I am so blessed that I was able to do my part in saying, “Welcome home.”
I still have dirt caked on my flip-flops from that day, and I don’t want to clean them off.
Wow, Tay, thank you for sharing this. You vividly painted a picture, I could actually see in my minds eye. What a beautiful outpouring from the community.
Wow. Awesome picture Tay — thanks for sharing that. And oh yeah — that dirt seems like dust from the Master’s feet to me as you walked behind Him. He had to be there for that I am sure.
Beautiful, Tay. So awful and yet so beautiful. Thank you for sharing this with us…
Confused.
Cannot fathom a God who would lead me through what I am in.
Doubting.
Uninterested in ANYTHING.
All of the cliches I use on others aren’t sufficient here.
“If He put you in it, He’ll pull you through it.”
“Trust in Him for the strength you need.”
“Give it to God.”
“Job and many others had it so much worse.”
I’m in it and don’t see the end.
I trust in almost nothing.
If He put me in it, doesn’t He already have it? What’s to give to Him?
I’m not Job or many others.
I could go on and on, but the desire to even put it on my own blog isn’t there.
The valley is deep and on the strong in faith will walk out.
Not sure how strong I am.
You’re gonna find out. Fast.
This was hard to read, so I’m sure it was crazy tough to write.
I’m not gonna give you any quips or proverbs or pithy sayings… Deep pain and deep frustration can’t be overcome by that. I hope you can find ways to process & walk & walk through, Toby…
The quiet can tell us much, sometimes we’re just not willing to listen. My quiet is currently interrupted by summer vacation. And while this isn’t a bad thing, there are times I do long for more than 15 minutes of uninterrupted time to myself. But I know these days are few in the overall lifetime we have together, so I cherish the moments, because she is growing up way to fast. Soon mom won’t be so cool to hang out with anymore.
Isn’t it ironic that summer vacations can get all loud & stuff? Mine was very very quiet, but I was too tired to really do much thinking. Enjoy that time while you can, Michelle.
I’m being tossed about in the wind a bit right now, that’s the best description I can give of where I am. I don’t mean getting blown aimlessly about in a stormy kinda wind, it’s more like a butterfly kinda dance, where I flit about, stop a minute, get all the goody out of that minute, and then go on to the next spot the wind blows me. I can fly, but not necessarily where I want and when I want, and I am not staying anywhere or focusing on anything very long. I am investigating different things to occupy me and my time, but have not landed solidly on where my focus will be spiritually or professionally.
I miss having that focus I have had in the past, but God has changed my paths. I just want clear direction on which road to take to fully invest in. This unsettled feeling causes ripples in the paths of others around me, and I don’t want those to turn into waves.
Where / what next God? My wings are tired.
I love how you describe this, Dennis! Have you seen “A Bug’s Life?” This makes me think of the quote that Drew loves to repeat: “I’m a beautiful Butterfly.”
Hang in there. I don’t like feeling unsettled as well… Nor waiting to find out what’s next. ugh.
I’m on a creative high as I’ve been churning out poems non-stop … and now I’ve been accepted to a poetry workshop all this week… I’m excited! I recited some of my newer pieces at a weekly open mic – and every piece had the audience jumping and hollering … I’m like WOW
People have been saying I’m growing as a writer and as a performer… I’m just pumped 
Oh … and a hot girl called me cute today LOLOL that may not seem like much, but to someone who always felt pushed aside by the opposite sex – this was MAJOR huge for me
Holy cow Bajan! this is all incredible news!!! congrats
” And why not just go for all of them at once? I honestly can’t think of a good reason not to.”
YES! that’s my girl!
Well honestly I have a lot of unaswered questions. It kind of sucks. I am at a point where all I can do is relax and trust God is going to guide me even if that doesn’t necessarily mean he answers all of my questions. I am working on what it means to be someone whose story is not solely defined by the actions of others and let me just say that is a really perplexing and hard thing to even begin to overcome.
Kamrie. This is the time. This is your time. You’re next 2 to 5 to 10 years will be writing and re-writing. And, even though I know it’s hard and feels like an uphill climb, it’ll be worth it. Remind yourself that God has been and will continue to be walking with you. And that He likes a cliff-hanger. He likes unanswered questions. He’s comfortable with not having everything tied up in a neat bow. There are bigger things that He wants to guide us to and through. Keep your eyes open for all of that and I know you’ll find your way. I’m still proud of you like a big sister!
wow thanks Mandy. I absolutely despise cliff hangers but I’m thinking that comes with the territory
. The harder something is usually means the more beautiful it turns out to be. I definitely have to keep on reminding myself of that!
Tonight, the sun is fading into the water, my coffee has cooled enough to finally drink it. I find myself alone on the deck on the Ocean Beach Pier with my coffee and opened bible in front of me. I didn’t know what to read, I was aimlessly just picking a verse or two to get me out of my “funk” for the day; before I need to kiss my boy and tell him how was your day with a smile of anticipation. So I flip and flip, and finally just kind of give up until I look down at a verse that I have never really read before: “You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you” Song of Solomon 4:7 ESV.
That allowed me to just pick up my .99 spiral and my *Stolen* from the last grocery store I wrote a check in; to write paragraph after paragraph of how God defines beauty in ALL of us. I cried, I cheered, and drank that last drip of coffee., At the end I felt my Jehovah Shamma (Our God of Present) like !haven’t before or in just a long time.
mmmmmm beautiful. Thank you for sharing this moment with us H!
I’m glad you were able to climb out of your funk and into His word and His truth.
stolen *pen*
I also love quiet, but I’m at a point where I’m also feeling VERY lonely and alone, so the combination is not good.
I’m struggling to trust God with many things; health, relationships, the future.
All I want to do is crawl under a pile of rugs and hide, but I want someone to “find” me too.
I’m tired of being strong.
“I’m tired of being strong.”
we share that reality…..i am so so tired
praying we both “find” Him
Lonely. That’s one of the hardest feelings I’ve ever felt. That and betrayal by a friend. I think both hold the same core feeling, though. When I went through a period of loneliness, I kept the TV on in my apartment. I didn’t notice it until later. It was just something I did to feel less alone. But I’m thankful that you are strong, even though you don’t want to be. Maybe it’s God giving you His strength. Maybe He’s found you.
“…even though I know it’s hard and feels like an uphill climb, it’ll be worth it. Remind yourself that God has been and will continue to be walking with you. And that He likes a cliff-hanger. He likes unanswered questions. He’s comfortable with not having everything tied up in a neat bow.”
I know it wasn’t written to me, but I’m taking it anyway!
Thank you, Mandy…