Monthly Archives: August 2011

When you stop talking your heart starts walking.

Posted on
15

Say it with me: When you stop talking your heart starts walking.

Again: When you stop talking your heart starts walking.

Monday night — we were both pretty frustrated with each other. The kind of frustration that leads to silence. That uncomfortable silence. You know.

Tuesday — by lunch he’d made me smile. And oh man did he have to work for it because he had VERY little eye-contact from me. Did I mention we work together? uh huh. So it was sorta there. Just lingering. And heavy.

We both knew we had a date last night. And oh man did we need to get past the weird silence.

Tuesday night — I start talking–just dive right in. I had to. It was my turn and it required more than that smile. It required words.

So I slowly told him. And then he told me. And in the hard-hard-hard-listening we were able to better understand the other. And better understand the massive misunderstanding between us. And better apologize.

And by the end of our date night, we were happy to be around each other. And the eye contact was easy.

But it didn’t come without hard work.

Talking. And listening. Without the bridges of talking and listening, our hearts would’ve just been walking away instead of towards each other. Communication. Can there be relationship without communication? Nope.

So y’all say it with me again: When you stop talking, your heart starts walking.

I’m asking myself a few questions today. Actually, just one question. But maybe it’s for you as well: Where/when/how have we passively allowed ourselves to walk, instead of doing the hard work of talking?

Diary of a Bad Day

Posted on
15

I don’t remember when I started writing this. It’s been a while. But I’ve kept it, because I wanted to remind myself that my days of depression are fleeting. And that yours can be as well. Let me know if you can relate. I’m holding out a handful of hope for you.

The not-sleeping-thing should’ve been my first warning sign, but I ignored it. Then I lost my notebook. And I lost my words. And everything moved like molasses in my brain.

Now there is today and it won’t go away. “It” being this fullness on my chest–this want to sleep the day away–hide from whatever it is that has my heart pounding like it is–my heart so fast and my brain so slow.

I haven’t felt his way in a long time… But I’ve felt this way for years. Distraction is my best friend. Distraction in writing, in singing, in doing something other than looking inside. It’s a shame that creativity necessitates introspection. That’s just my luck. So, I go looking for distraction. She either writes or runs. Today she wants to run.

She’s fighting the instinct to curl up deep down inside herself and hide…. hide where the quiet is. And where the words are. The real words. Not the other words that are made up and saved up and played up.

But the real words don’t come easy. And they don’t write easy. And they don’t read easy. The real words bring release and reflection, but introspection isn’t always the best method of chasing it all away. Sometimes it’s best to hide from what’s inside until it quiets down, chased away by sunshine and vitamins and balance.

So where do I hide?

Distraction.

There are still days, and when those days come it feels like forever. I’m so glad that it never is forever. And I’m so glad that those days don’t come nearly as often anymore.

Hope.

Info: Mandy & Drew Plus One or Two

Posted on
53

Thought it might be helpful to answer a few questions about what this adoption process will look like for us, since some are asking!

NOTE: This is all subject to change. I’m just giving a “projected path,” to use a bit of hurricane/meteorological language. ;)

Ready? Here goes:

1) Are we adopting internationally, domestically, or what? We are adopting through the state DFCS foster program–this does not mean we’ll be foster parents. The plan is to jump right into adopting. There are foster kids who are waiting to be adopted into a permanent family.

2) Are we adopting a baby? Before we ever looked into the state adoption process, Drew and I decided that we’d be open/favorable to adopting young kids–namely a sibling set. woo!! Then we found out that the majority of children in DFCS’ care are kids/siblings. And siblings are hard to place with families because there’s more than one of ‘em, but the State doesn’t want to separate them. We don’t wanna separate ‘em either. Sooo, hey, we’ll take a few!

3) Where will the kid(s) come from? It’s very likely that the child(ren) we adopt will be from somewhere within the state of Georgia, although probably not from the Glynn County area. I think we will also be accepted by other states as well.

4) How does adoption work in the state program? From what we understand, it’ll look something like this:

  1. go through state adoption/foster parent training (graduate tomorrow!!)
  2. complete our paperwork (finish today. wow.)
  3. home evaluations with a case worker (4 to 6 weeks from now)
  4. DFCS approves our application (couple weeks after evals are done)
  5. wait for placement.
  6. meet the kid(s) to see how it goes–yes, it’ll be something like having a play-date with our future child(ren)–I can’t even wrap my mind around this.
  7. hang out again.
  8. move ‘em in!!!

5) Are we raising money for this adoption? GREAT question! I have two answers for you:

  1. Nope. Believe it or not, your tax money has this covered, as far as the application process and any legal fees. So, what’s not reimbursed by DFCS will be covered by the nice Adoption Tax Credit thingy.
  2. Sorta. It’s my understanding that they literally show up with a bag of clothes (cue the tears), and the rest is up to us. So, we’ll have a few extra expenses as we prepare our home for some Tiny Thompsons to come and live and sleep and play and eat. Because of that, let’s just say we ain’t gonna turn down any “baby” showers.

6) How long will it take? 3 months to 2 years. As the DFCS case workers say: they’re not doing this to find kids for families, they’re doing this to find families for kids. Amen to that.

Feel free to ask more questions in the comments below. And if you’re wanting more on the state adoption process in general, hit up THIS LINK for their FAQ page.

Y’all are awesome. Thanks for the love and support!!

Four Days in a Moment

Posted on
18

12:02pm Tuesday

I set the timer on the microwave and stole a moment in a green Target chair in the office kitchen. I dropped my head and let out a long breath. I slid my palms across my jeans. They were surprisingly soft.

This is the fourth day I’ve worn these jeans. I wore them to our adoption training meeting on Saturday, where we talked about the real-life nightmares that a lot of these foster children go through. After the meeting, I collapsed on the couch in these jeans and slept until it was time to wake up and cook dinner.

I wiped early morning tears on these jeans while Drew drove us to Church Sunday, crying about all the nightmares that most mothers would die to protect their children from–nightmares that might’ve already happened to the kid(s) that will one day be ours. Nightmares I will never be able to protect them from.

On Monday, I sat in our home kitchen, looking at bags of groceries that I should be unpacking… Instead, I wiped tears on these jeans again. Tears in anticipation of a long lunch with a friend who would help us understand how childhood traumas play out in their development and behaviors. I was supposed to make a salad to take to the lunch. I was far from hungry. I was craving a blanket and a strong hug and a quiet space.

By the time I punched the numbers on the microwave, the hard questions had been answered. The paperwork was nearly complete. And there was a strange stillness in me–the kind of stillness that slows everything and brings into focus those parts that are hard to see when the world is spinning like it does.

And in those 90 seconds, I glanced back at the past few days.

And all was resolved.

Something felt different in me. I walked back to my office trying to find words for what had changed. The tears and hard questions and “what ifs” of those days were gone. Pale. Stark. Gray. Empty.

Powerless when compared to the reality that there are kids out there who don’t have parents.

Silenced by the maternal roar that’s rising up in me.

How to be Bad@$$ Brave

Posted on
12

 

Disclaimer: I don’t use expletives (at least not out loud. much. at all) but this post deserves proper language, and in this instance, badass is the word of the day. Mkay? mkay.

Sabrina Ward Harrison–my current heroine–walks me through moments of honesty in the early morning hours. Her prompts on pages make space for my answers and for my questions. Her lines and words draw out dreams in me that have long been buried. And they cheer me to chase faster, jump higher, be braver.

She even helped me create my “Bad@$$” playlist (yes, I typed it exactly like that in my iTunes) for this season of my life–with songs that push me forward–with songs from Eminem and P!nk and Linkin Park and OneRepublic.

And just last night I sat in that same spot, but I sat before pages and pages of application forms and questionnaires. And some of the questions made me cry. And some of the questions made Drew cry. But we attacked them anyway. And this is the adoption process. And it is hard. But it is worth it. And these Bad@$$ songs pounded in my ears as I turned the pages. And they made me feel brave; their music filling me with drive and determination.

And I think that’s exactly what bravery is. It’s looking at the obstacles–the difficulties, the heartaches, the fears, the unknowns of the road before you–and deciding that the journey is worth every step and stumble. It’s finding motivators. And finding ways to propel ourselves forward when we feel weak. It’s turning the page.

And I want to add more songs to my Bad@$$ Playlist. So what suggestions do y’all have for me? What songs help you feel brave?