Monthly Archives: December 2011

the “when nobody’s looking” blah blah

Posted on
17

Remind me who said that. That quote about who you are when nobody’s looking? You know the quote. It’s supposed to help bring clarity to who we really are, right? Like: Your truest self can be shown by what you do when nobody’s looking.

It’s been floating around in my head lately, or at least some butchered version of it. (By the way, butchered is not spelled “butured” like my brain wanted to spell it. Whew. That was a close one.)

(Glad I was looking.)

So, the quote. Yes! It pops in my head randomly. Surprisingly. Like a 5-year-old with a cape–”TADAAAA!!–announcing its arrival. And it wants to see what I’m doing. And so, this mini mental mirror has been following me around lately and tapping me on the shoulder and demanding my gaze–especially when nobody’s looking. (haha Oh, how cute.)  Ok, like when I’m driving home from work and Drew is teaching the last session of his Revelation Class and I know I’ve got the evening to myself and my brain asks me what I’m going to do and I answer with something like “Whatever the heck I wanna do, because nobody’s looking! Woot!”

(See? That’s what happens in my head when nobody’s looking.)

I should probably assure you that I didn’t exactly invite this little caped mirror into my head. I don’t know where it (he) came from. But it’s (he’s) there. And maybe that’s not comforting at all…

Nope, probably not.

Oh well.

The more I’ve looked at myself–really watched myself when nobody’s looking–the more I’ve learned about myself:

  • I really do like a clean house (even though the 4 loads of laundry on my living room floor would currently say otherwise–and no I will not attach a photo to this post to show you how high the pile is).
  • I have a love-hate relationship with my laptop.
  • I can go for hours at a time without uttering a word.
  • I like the quiet more than the noise.
  • And, most importantly, I’ve learned that all I really want to do is create. I spend a lot of time creating stuff that I know no one will see. And I don’t know if that’s a good thing–the “no one will see” part. So. Well. Um. I’m going to work on changing that. No more hiding my creativity. It’s ok to be the Creative Mandy when other people are looking.
  • Right? Oh geeze…

Until then, it’s your turn! Think back on the last time you were doing something “you-ish” when nobody was looking. What’d you do? Wanna share? Oh come on it’ll be fun!

down in my marrow

Posted on
18

The A/C remained broken. The windows were open. The unseasonably-warm pre-Thanksgiving night wrinsed clean but not so cool by 4am rain.

With each blink of my eyes, I begged the cold air back into the room. And my mind danced over the day’s scenes of waking and journaling and meeting and planning and laughing. And another story about kids who may or may not need parents. We hear these stories often, someone telling us about some kid somewhere or something. Often hypothetical. And often just out of reach.

Like her second-hand mention of those “little blonde girls” that might need a home someday.

I stood in the sun and said without thought: “Well, we’ll take ‘em!”

As always, I dismissed any potential for potential. It’s easier that way. It’s always that way. I placed that mention on the shelf with the others that have come to nothing. My friend and I returned to the casual work of our hands and casual talk about life. Casual. And so the conversation moved on.

But at 4am my mind returned to that warm mid-afternoon moment and then reached back four years to the Wednesday we found out we were pregnant.

Remembering how I shook with fear.

And the Thursday after.

Remembering how I shook with love.

Never have I felt so convinced of anything in my life: I was maternal to the marrow in my bones. That little life inside me birthed a fierce and fiery mama-love in my heart.

It was overtaking.

And I wondered if that maternal instinct will rebirth in me over babies born by another woman… Will I have that same burning “If you hurt them I will kill you” feeling like I had in those days of pregnancy? Will I be so certain to give my life for the sake of theirs? Is that same warm love still down in my marrow, waiting for a reason to be pulsed through every inch of my body?

I tell myself it will, I will, I will, it is. I tell myself that at the handing over of those little lives into the blankets of our hands, I will be so taken with love that I won’t be able to stand myself.

I tell myself that they will be mine and I will be theirs and I will love them with an unquenchable love. I tell myself. And I listen to the rain some more. And I push the covers aside and push away the truth that I won’t really know until that day comes.