We do.
The conversation was so tense that we might as well have been yelling. Our words were slow and careful and calm—the kind of eery calm that holds back the rising tide.
The conversation rolled in waves over a span of a weekend. Oh, it was supposed to be a wonderful weekend, but he said he wanted us to start having family devotion time together and, well, I didn’t take so kindly to that idea.
Before bed that Saturday, I spent a good 20 minutes holed up in the bathroom trying to figure out what I was going to do about this. And he tried desperately to keep me from shutting him out. That’s our dance. I’m the quiet one. He’s the pursuer. And he bravely pursues.
This kind of disagreement meant going to bed angry, which also meant waking up to the mess on Sunday morning. And doing church together as the preacher and the worship leader.
Oh, mercy.
Oh, Sunday.
I try hard not to talk to him all the way to church that morning, even though he kept pursuing with his harmless questions and me with my short emotionless answers. And I run to practice with the band. And I’m not even thinking about the lyrics, I’m thinking about how I’m going to get through the Family Devotion Time Fiasco of 2012. What do I say to him? Do I say anything? Do I tell him how I feel about this? Or do I just comply?
I mean, seriously, just days before I told a young woman that the backbone of marriage is communication and if that breaks down there’s little left between the two of them.
He walks into the sanctuary—my handsome preacher husband who I know would die for me and who knows I want to kill him and who probably isn’t sure why because I’m not sure why, but here we are and I don’t even want to make eye contact with him. How do we get to these places?!
Yes, the grown-up thing is to talk about it. I can at least tell him how I feel. That is a very strong gesture towards maintaining open communication and open relationship. He’s a big boy, he can handle it.
So, between practice and service, I walk up and hug him and then I keep moving with very little eye contact. But that hug said “Ok, let’s do this church thing. And then let’s keep walking.”
After church we went out for lunch. Tense “conversations” are so much better in public when we know others can hear us. And I told him that I didn’t want to change his mind about any of this and that I really do appreciate his desire for us to share more of our spiritual journeys with one another.
But, I needed him to know how I felt about all this.
Inhale.
I told him how I felt. And I admitted that I was very messed up and that this family devotion time topic seems to bump up against an overwhelming number of sensitive areas in my life and I’m having a hard time with it.
And he listened.
And he knew that my only goal was to maintain open communication. Not change him. Not change our plan. Just give him an understanding of my side of this conversation.
And you know what?
That made all the difference in the world. And there is peace in Casa Thompson now. And, yes, we are having FDT and it is weird and slightly unconventional but it’s a middle ground and it fits us. And we’re both happy.
And I kinda like him again.
I guess I should tell him that, too, huh?
Recently I heard some wheres that women never lose an argument. Once she is done making her point, if he says anything its the start of a new argument.
FDT – All i know is that mama and I have a FDT in the evening, usually our last part of our awake hours. First a time of general talk about the events of the day, maybe talk about friends/issues that need prayer (you have been discussed & prayed for concerning your family plans). Then a scripture reading time that coincides with the adult Sunday School lesson/Bible study that I teach each Sunday morning. Our church denomination puts out a devotional book that coincides with the lesson. Mama is in the class that I facilitate along with about 60 other adults. After the scripture we read the devotional comments concerning the scripture. Then we both pray out loud. I usually take the lead. Then say good night. It is a great way to end the day. We love it.
I love that y’all do this every day. I really do, despite my issues.
And thank you so much for your continuous prayers for our adoption process. We are still waiting on a letter from DFCS. Will make LOTS of noise about that when it happens! Love to both of you.
Last night I exaggerated the intensity of my headache so that I could go to bed without talking about my heart. Very mature.
That man of yours is a good one! Thanks for sharing this story!
I hope this sad little tale of mine will inspire you to do some talking, Steph.
Wow. I really appreciate the candid account. One of the first things I learned about songwriting is that typically (and ironically) the more specific you are, the more universal your song will wind up being. That’s what I think you did here. You touched on emotions and reactions that every married couple experiences, even if it’s not because the wife gets all weird over devotions (jk; I actually get it).
“And I kinda like him again.” That line was icing on the cake.
Thanks for your words, Dean. And who knew that those little songwriting tips can be applied to almost any type of writing?
I love the way you write!
Lots of memories and grins this morning.
I’m grinning that you’re grinning, Red.
I smiled when I read your title – and thought “my family does”. There were numerous arguments over a sudden introduction of family devotion time before school in the mornings when my brothers and I were teenagers. Our pastor dad was suddenly quite adamant that we must have breakfast together and family devotions (for the first time ever!) when we were teenagers, and the results weren’t pretty!
In any case… I so appreciated your description of continuing to walk forward through this – communicating honestly. I’ve lived some of those tense “get through church and then keep talking” Sundays. Thanks for your honesty and sharing this story with us. I needed the reminder to keep walking forward through the hard disagreements (and smiled at the suggestion that the tense conversations are sometimes better in public places).
Thanks for commenting Lisa! It’s interesting to see how the pastor-dad thing plays out as well. Oh, and public arguments are the best. Date night or fight night, either can be a good reason to go eat out!
You’re my hero.
Ha! Well, Rick, I feel the need to say that if this hadn’t dropped on a Sunday, things might’ve gotten much worse before they got better.
I like you too
*blush* why hello there handsome!!
get a room
If you get a motel room, grab a Gideon Bible and have FDT first!
haha! Y’all are funny!
Its hard to communicate when emotions are high. I’m glad you worked it out. I’m very prowd of the both of you.!!!
Thanks Bill! We love you and your bride.
love your honesty
Thanks Jessica.
oh my dear friend… good for you.
Communication is not an easy task in any relationship. 
Being the one on the “desiring such a gift” side I am encouraged to hear that no one just cast FDT to the side.
However, there is such richness when you can share openly with one another your heart, concerns… and well … the messes we each are. The reality is that in devo time, hopefully, we are completely raw and naked before the Lord.. and in all realness we don’t want ANYONE to see that side.. not even us for that matter… so to share it … oh my is that terrifying and exactly what the enemy doesn’t want because then we get mended .. TOGETHER as well as separately. Admittedly … there should be a safety in the relationship to be that vulnerable… we are fallible human beings.
When we are seeking the Lord and the Holy Spirit resides in us… we are transformed and humbled … we don’t have time to look and poke at other peoples “messes” … quite frankly we have enough of our own. And there is no rule book in how that time should look so GOOD FOR YOU BOTH for sharpening each other and sharing in the best way God has shaped the two of you to do it.
It is a beautiful treasure …. enjoy and be creative… God’s light is sure to shine bolder in each of you and as a team.
Thank you so much for being bold and authentic in your sharing. 
Many hugs and love from the PNW, sista! 
hey Jeanette!! Thank you so much for your words. I agree that safety has to be a part of the relationship for communication to be effective. Thankfully, Drew and I have worked hard on that. Sometime I should write about the first argument we ever had. It, too, centered around spiritual issues. I should’ve known…
I want to laugh really hard. B/c I can picture the silent fight to church.
Proud of you
Oh I wish you lived closer. I would’ve spent the night on your couch.
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you shared this out loud. like out loud out loud. you are way more braver than you ever give yourself credit for. i still haven’t read that buechner part on prayer. it’s on my list. i’ll get to it.
You have a list?
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