“God told me it was coming before I was asked.”
She is the only person in the world who I believe, without question, when hearing stories like this. She had another story for me, just last night.
She didn’t know I spent the day wondering if I’d ever find the stuff that Faith is really made of. Wondering if I’d ever unpack my bags and settle into a “Yes” in my own spiritual journey. Wondering if I’d ever have my own bread-crumb trail of miracles to lead me back to a wide-eyed child-like acceptance.
Shelly lives wide-eyed. Her life is marked with miracles. I’ve witnessed them. Countless. And, once again, she held out the bread of her story and a crumb floated into my empty hand. I held it. Inspected it. Treasured it.
I paused as her belief rested in the palm of my soul, filling the void of my own gaunt and wretched and stubborn and uninvited (un)beliefs:
- God does not have my best interests at heart and he’s not safe. He’s not, he’s not, he’s not.
- God, in all His goodness, can’t be in control of everything that happens or else the crap of this unsafe life just wouldn’t happen.
- God
no longerdoesn’t talk to me.
And even now, burying my unbeliefs within her story, I huff at the irony. I believe her. I believe her words. I believe that God gave her a miracle. Another one.
My reply to her? “I hope that one day God will talk to me like He talks to you.”
And Shelly says, “He will Mandy Lu.”
She knows me. She prays for me. And, more than any others’, her prayers are answered.
Please do this very old man a favor – Read, study, disect psalm 139. PLEASE? Even if you have read it before, study it with your statements/questions above. Thanks.
Mandy, love you !!
Oh yes I’ve read it.
The strange thing about this confession is that I “know” I’m wrong. Just last week I was talking to a much older and much wiser leader in our church, explaining that very thing. It sometimes feels like I can see myself where I am and I want to take myself by the hand and move me. I’m learning that the heart moves the feet.
Thank you Papa.
Love you too
Hello Mandy,
I was wondering, when you say, “My reply to her? “I hope that one day God will talk to me like He talks to you.” are you saying (or maybe rather is she saying) that God audibly speaks to her?
Thanks for your time.
Great question, Eugene. I’m not aware of any audible experiences in my friend’s life. Her “hearing” is more of an internal impression when she is in prayer or is thinking about something. Like the Holy Spirit places one of those surprising thoughts in her head that makes her think: “Huh! Where’d that come from?” I think Shelly has the gift of discernment, where people just “know” things without basis of external information.
I’ve stood where you are Mandy, wondering what I could do to hear the voice of god.
Here is what I learned, and I realize as I share this, that this is my truth. god energy lives within me and is always available…the key for me is to be quiet enough to hear the stillness and feel the direction. I no longer look outside of myself to sense wisdom and truth, because I carry that energy with me 24-7.
Thank you for these words, Brenda. I’m learning that there are longstanding believers out there who do not have the same degree of “hearing” as others. It’s like they/we just can’t sense the presence of God. I don’t know why. But it seems to be the case.
that girl is Gods gift to you. He speaks to you through her. And I am ever-so-grateful for that.
love you both.
I’m so glad you got to meet her. Love you too, Tam.
I’ve been dealing with (un)beliefs lately a LOT.
And last night when to a service for college students I’d skipped every week this semester.
And it was honestly one of the most on-point messages I have heard since becoming a christian in 2005… I was blown away and astounded and swear every single word was meant for me. It kicked all of my (un)beliefs in the face. And today I am trying to still shake off those damn (un)beliefs and focus on the one true thing I know: NOTHING I do makes God love me any more or less than He does.
I’m so glad you had that moment, Shelby. Wow. I hope to have one of those moments for myself as well.
i love that we can have friends like this that baffle our own personal faith, but that somehow we manage to have a tolerance for and even a liking towards. i think tam is right, that we see facets of God through such people. i am not afraid of your unbeliefs. i think they’re beautiful and human and quite frankly, a sigh of relief in some ways. i know they feel uncomfortable to sit with, but i assure you, it’s brave and strong to do so. especially when you go on living rich anyway, which is what i see you doing. i don’t get the sense you’re missing out on something as much as you are leaning into something greater and, well, far more mysterious. Certainly not safe. Not safe. Not safe. Not safe.
I appreciate this post. You are not making apologies, or saying that which will make other people comfortable. You are speaking your truth, in this moment, it is beautiful!
Your bravery affirms and encourages me to continue down my path, to speak as needed, to be where I am, to live as I am led.
“I’ve had to let the old be cleaved away and give up the things I love the most. I’ve had to let the threads of the past be pulled out so the pattern of the new can take shape. And it has taken shape. It is taking shape within me. I feel deep within my cells the new being formed through the death of the old.” Carol Collopy quoted in “The Feminine Face of God” {beautiful book!}
Much love to you Mandy! xo
Your post brings tears to my eyes because I’m experiencing many of these unbeliefs. Perhaps instead of asking what I believe (which brings anxiety), I should lean into the questions of unbelief. It’s a scary place though. Thank you for sharing the raw and honest with us and for encouraging the journey. Your words are treasures.
I am totally gripped by your writing. Thank you for sharing your gift. (I found this post from Jeff Goins’ site). I’m glad you are out there in the world being honest, seeking God, and sharing the wrestlings of faith.
Bless you, you are doing better than you know.
Su
All I know to do is be honest, Susan.
Thanks for commenting (and reading).