Tag Archives: goals

Am I one step away from being a wannabe?

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Sometimes I feel like I’m achieving this dream–this dream of being a “songwriter”–whatever that means. But most days I feel like it’s just out of reach–slightly unattainable. I can see it… but I can’t reach it.

What is “it” that I’m reaching for? I don’t know. Is it that one publishing opportunity? That one artist that slaps one of my tunes on an album? That one church that snatches up something I wrote?

Does that make me a real songwriter?

Then, the smart me starts saying “Hello? What makes me a songwriter is writing. If I’m writing, then I’m a songwriter. Who cares how many people appreciate the music. Am I doing it for them? Or am I doing it because I love it and believe in it?”

Right.

Of course.

I’m always right.

But the other part of me–the part of me that longs for some stability–for some validation in this non-lucrative dream I’m pursuing–the other me says that one day I’ll have to wake up and stop dreaming. One day I’ll have to face reality–and when that day hits, I’m going to be nothing but a person who once pursued the life of a songwriter.  I’m going to be a wannabe.

Dreams. Dreams are so flipping hard to chase. The reason they’re called “dreams” is that they’re not reality. And yet, in this world of the American Dream, where we see people bring their dreams to reality, we believe.

And there’s a God who puts dreams in each one of us.

So what do we do? Do we keep dreaming and striving to bring those dreams to life? Or do we one day wake up to the undeniable reality that has overshadowed our “dream” and tell ourselves that this must not have been the right dream all along…?

We didn’t throw a party…

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Did I mention that I recently read “Julie & Julia?” Read. Not watched. (Well. I did eventually watch the movie. Last night. And the movie was only somewhat like the book. Hollywood…)

(Meryl Streep remains brilliant, by the way.)

I thought reading the book would be a neat way to end 2009, since so many people said my 100 song wildness was in line with Julie Powell’s cooking through “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” in a year. With every page I turned, I realized that Julie Powell and I were not that different… until she went & got a publisher and book deal and all.

And, it must be said that Drew knew nothing of Julie’s wildness when he suggested this lofty goal for my 2009.

But that’s neither here nor there.

The point is this: at the end of the story, Julie throws a beautiful party to celebrate the close of her year – the achievement of her goal – the journey of finding her fulfillment. But we, in my real life journey of 2009, didn’t throw a party. Drew and I had about a 15 minute “yay” and then continued packing our apartment, or something like that. I did get some “congratulations” – but when the chaos of December got in bed with some sort of humility, we had one heck of a “flop” on our hands.

And now, 2 months after completing my 102nd song of 2009 (stupid overachiever I am), as the dust settles in our new home, I find myself trying to pick up my guitar. But I’m stuck. Stuck looking back at one of the most exhilarating times in my life… but there was no ribbon flapping across the finish line.

At The Chapel, we are learning to be very intentional about our “wins.” In short, define the target. And when we hit it, acknowledge it.

I don’t want to yell “GO ME!!!” – in fact, I even feel a tinge of hesitancy in hitting “publish” on this. But I do regret not having some type of celebration that reflected the wildness of my 2009 goal… Some type of “online party” with this blog-reading community, because YOU were the faithful ones who walked with me. Gave me honest feedback. Suffered through poor recordings. Et cetera.

Is there anything wrong with saying, “This may be one of the biggest achievements of my life?”

But, what does it matter? I’m afraid the moment has passed.

More songs in Twenty Ten.

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001. I Owe The Man (BLUES)
002. This Life is What it Is
003. You Will Dream
004. Better than Nothing at All
005. Daisy
006. I wear My Heart on a Page
007. The Perfect Me
008. Portion (WORSHIP)
009. Some Days
010. Disappear
011. A Good Day
012. The Truth about Me
013. Be Real To Me (WORSHIP)
014. Oh Sweet Muse
015. Endless Endlessness (5 to 5) (WORSHIP)
016. Me That I Am (5 to 5)
017. Out of Here (5 to 5)
018. Do What We Can (5 to 5)
019. Can You (5 to 5)
020. Hector Hector (5 to 5) (HECTOR)
021. The Last Place (5 to 5)
022. Hello World
023. Honey (HECTOR)
024. So Far From Home
025. Maybe Then
026. I Don’t [blank] You (Blank Songs)
027. The Speak Easy (HECTOR)
028. Aunt Marvel (HECTOR)
029. A World Awake
030. Never Again
031. The Speed of Life (RAP with Russ Hutto)
032. Day is Done (SOUL)
033. AAWP Jingle Pack
034. You’ll Miss Me
035. Forty More Falls
036. Sunday’s Child
037. I’ll Never Ask for More
038. Baby Let’s Go
039. Stormy Night (LATIN)
040. Days Like This
041. My Hope is Here in God (WORSHIP)
042. We got Everywhere to Go
043. I just don’t Get It
044. You Have My Heart
045. You’ll Be Mine
046. When I Was Young
047. Life is Terminal (FUTURA)
048. Incomplete
049. Tear The Walls Down (WORSHIP)
050. Burn (BLUES)
051. This Holy Day (WORSHIP)
052. Yesterday’s Tomorrow
053. Is there Somebody Out There
054. You Don’t Know My Man
055. Now’s the TIme to Wave Goodbye
056. Face the Day
057. Save Summer
058. Take Me Away
059.  A Minor Experiment
060. It Was Always You
061. Long Gone
062. Freak and Geek It (HECTOR)
063. You Won’t See Me
064. It’s all Magic
065. Our Sunny Day
066. Sticks and Stones (Letters)
067. Let There Be Love (WORSHIP)
068. Down
069. It’s the Right Time (WORSHIP)
070. She’s not Amazed By Grace
071. There’s a better way
072. No Time Soon (BLUES/SOUL)
073.  I don’t Know Where I’m Going
074. Come crashing Down
075. When Words Won’t Come at All
076. The Bird Song
077. Waiting on the Rain
078. Come Thou Long Expected Jesus – Alt Melody (WORSHIP)
079. Small Town Girl (COUNTRY)
080. Forgive us Again (WORSHIP)
081. Thankful (WORSHIP)
082. Awake
083. The Clock Won’t Stand Still
084. This is Life (Rock)
085. Waste This (ROCK)
086. A Thousand Winters
087. Teach Us (WORSHIP)
088. Broken (WORSHIP)
089. Take All of Me (WORSHIP)
090. La La La La La
091, Let’s Call It A Song
092. On NPR
093. Chasing My Life
094. Come Crashing Down
095. Day of Silence
096. One Breath Away From Breaking
097. Hazy Lazy Gray
098. Could Be Me
099. If There Was Only Love
100. I Found Me
101. Flying So High (WORSHIP)
102. Faith of Our Fathers (WORSHIP)
.
Next year?
25 new songs
25 rewrites
.
What about you? Any goals or resolutions staring you in the face this week?

When five feels like one hundred…

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I knew this day was coming, but I didn’t think it’d happen so soon.

In fact, I’ve done a number of things to prepare for it. And now, even though I’m way ahead of schedule. Even though I have a handful of half-written songs that I could pull from right now. And even though I have some song ideas in the back of my mind that I really believe in.

Even with all that, I’ve hit that place in 2009 where the mere thought of writing (what will likely be a really crappy song) makes me want to cry.

(And, let’s just be honest, everything makes me want to cry right now.)

My heart pounds at the thought of typing this: I don’t want to write.

I don’t want to. I don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t.

I think it’s the swirling spinning stormy combination of all the excitement in my life. blah blah I’m not complaining. I genuinely AM excited about life and what’s before us. I just need a nap. A nap that’ll last about 4 days, because, well, there’s a lot going on. (This is the part where I remind myself that “negative stress affects us in the same way that positive stress does.”)

I’ve got 5 songs staring me in the face. FIVE. And the 95 behind me are doing nothing to contribute to any creative momentum I once had…

The pen feels heavy.

My brain moves like molasses.

These 5 feel as impossible as the 100 I started with.

5 to go.

Piece of cake, right?

Tell ME what to do.

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I used to tell people what to do. I mainly did this when I thought I knew what was best for them, which was – unfortunately – a frequent occurrence.  To perpetuate this bossiness, my behavior was reinforced by others who told me I was good at giving advice… Wise… An old soul…

This had such a huge influence on my life that I planned to go into counseling, to spend all my workings hours telling people what to do. Little did I know, a good counselor actually listens more than she talks. She asks more than she advises. She lets the person make their own decisions.

About two and a half years ago, I decided that I didn’t want to tell people what to do anymore. I  also didn’t want to spend all of my day listening to others’ drama, which – as I said before – is what a good counselor does.

Since I made this decision, my life has been much calmer. But something interesting happened.  I found many internal issues that I’ve needed to address within myself (surprise surprise). I can no longer ignore just how undeniably messed up I am – and how, until I get my own personal life on track, its’ not wise for me to tell anyone else what to do.

Until then, I’m only going to tell me what to do