Tag Archives: identity

But What if I Don’t Want the Gift?

Posted on by
28

I woke up thinking about some things that were shared at small group last night. Thinking about whether or not I truly believe that God loves me. Thinking about if I’ve seen/felt/known His love in an unconditional way…

How would I know if He loves me? (cue Whitney Houston, sorry)… My mind, in its half-asleep pre-dawn stupor, jumped to the verse where God being gives good gifts to His children. That’s what good fathers do, right? Right. So there’s something good that I can find in it all. There’s something good.

(Granted, in writing this, it sparks the cynic in me once again: “Children are a gift from God.” Well… Thanks.)

But, back to those “good gifts” thoughts that weren’t yet shadowed by my reality: has He given me any? In the midst of walking through infertility, has He given me anything that I can be thankful for? That I can say “Thank you God” for? My mind immediately turned to songwriting.

I would not be where I am on this road to being a songwriter if it weren’t for this season of nothingness in my life… Granted, I’m not far along on any semi-professional songwriting level, but I’ve grown a lot in my understanding of myself as a creative. And I’ve truly come to embrace and foster that chunk of my personality. And I’m committed to that element of my life. It’s who I am on a core level.

Even thought I didn’t ask for it, this part of my growth would not have occurred if I were given what I wanted by now.

So I’m trying to believe that God has a plan for my songwriting. And, in the midst of the “Why haven’t You?” or “Do You even love me?” I’m trying to find a place in my heart that says “Thank you God.”

“best behavior”

Posted on by
41

i’ve really been thinking through this whole internet identity thing – monday’s discussion about net relationships and tuesday’s discussion about what we say out here. both have sparked some thoughts for me.

i’m just a girl. what you get around here is always real and authentic and honest… but, you also get my best behavior. you get me spell-checked, re-written, typed-out neatly, intentionally rebelling against proper grammar.

BUT:

  • you don’t see me before my “internet makeup” has been put on.
  • you don’t hear about certain heartaches.
  • you don’t know how far behind i am in my bible reading plan.
  • you don’t get the things that make me so stressed out sometimes.
  • you don’t read the curse words that soar through my mind when i’m really angry.
  • you don’t even get the stuff that makes me angry.

the last thing i want you to think is that you don’t know me.

but the next to the last thing i want you to think is that you DO know me.

i’m keenly aware of the eyes that are out there – familiar and unfamiliar. those who know me – who have once known me – but will never leave a comment to reveal that they read this. i’m also aware that, for some of you, this is the only access to “mandy” that you get. because of that, i wanna make sure that you are getting the real thing… so, i’m careful to be genuine. real and genuine. sometimes i have to take a deep breath before i hit publish (this post is no exception)…

anyway… just wanna make sure we’re all on the same page. so, read on, but read with an awareness:

i’m on my best behavior.

::

what about you? are you on your best behavior?

how do you handle revealing yourself to the internet-at-large? i want to continue this whole discussion of what we throw out there (see think before you type to start).

what is safe to talk about – what ISN’T safe to talk about. and why?

if you have family/children how does this effect what you say?

if you are in ministry or public service, how does THIS effect your words?

so – what will you NOT say out here?

and what WILL you say out there?

did you hear about the guy that got arrested for road rage?

Posted on by
10

ok. before the story i need to confess that i SERIOUSLY wanted to flick a lady a bird yesterday. Boston traffic can do UGLY things to my sense of southern hospitality. how ugly, you ask? lets just say i didn’t care that she had a breathing machine! once i drove past her i said “MEAN!” really loudly, just to get it out. then i remembered this story:

The light turns yellow. He KNOWS he can make it through, but the car in front of him slows down and stops before the red. Dang. So, this guy starts YELLING and HONKING and CUSSING (or cursing, if you wanna be proper about it) at the car in front of him. He’s ALL fired up.

Then he hears a tap tap on his window and turns to see a police officer motioning for him to roll his window down. The cop asks him to get out of the car, cuffs him, and takes him to the slammer…

Eventually, the cop comes to the guy’s cell and apologizes: “Sir, we ran your records and your free to go. I’m sorry for this confusion. Let me explain. When I pulled up behind your car I saw the pro-life sticker and the First Church sticker and the shiny fish symbol on the back. Then I heard you honking and cursing and thought you’d stolen the car.”

Dr. Joe Stowell, former 18-year president of Moody Bible Institute and current president of Cornerstone University, spoke at our seminary chapel service recently. He opened his sermon with this story.

Then he talked about how today’s American Christians are having an identity crisis. We’ve forgotten who we are.

yes sir. amen. sometimes i forget who i am. i know.

How can we keep our identity in tact? How can Christians have a sense of holiness and righteousness ever before us? How can we keep our “brother ass” (to quote St. Francis’ less-than-affectionate reference to his body) in check?!?!?