For most of my 31 years, I’ve been a very self-aware person… Always knowing what’s going on inside me – why I feel what I feel – and very pensive.

Introspective.

In the past few years, I’ve noticed that I’m not nearly as self-aware. Sometimes I’m super-emotional, but I don’t know why – until I talk things out. Sometimes.

I have a theory about why the “introspection” light just shuts off in my brain.

Maybe I stopped wanting to know what was going on inside. Maybe it’s a sort of denial. Maybe it’s a way to create some distance between myself and the drama I may find within me. Maybe a way of not letting “it” get me down – so down – that I can’t get up. Maybe. I’m not sure. I get this funny feeling inside just now – just thinking about it. Heart beating faster. It’s not funny. It’s more like fear. Like panic. Like there’s some bad thing down inside me that I’m running from.

I hate that feeling.

If I don’t introspect, then I don’t feel it. See how that works?

But, because of this lack of introspection, I’ve found that I’m more of a “right now” person as well. I am more “present” – more “in the moment.” I don’t worry as much about stuff that used to worry me. I just say “I’ll deal with that when I have to.” This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE personality shift for me. And I think that might be for the better.

Maybe the “no-more-worries” Mandy and the “out-of-touch-with-self” Mandy are somehow related.

There goes that funny feeling again.

Which is the whole point of this post. I think feelings are good. I think a bit of introspection is good.

So, are you brave enough to introspect with me? How are you feeling today? What’s going on inside?