Tag Archives: marriage

Why we should care about Brad and Angelina’s engagement.

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Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt at the Cannes fil...

Let’s start by saying it really shouldn’t be that important. No celebrity couple should take up this much real estate in media coverage, especially with all the events in Syria and Afghanistan and North Korea right now. Those things matter.

But.

All we’re hearing about right now is Brangelina Brangelina Brangelina.

That, by nature of the fact, is what makes their engagement important.

This morning, a friend asked the question on Facebook: Do we really care?

I understand her question completely. This moment in our culture seems trivial and shallow, but the media won’t shut up about it: He spent a year designing this chicklet engagement ring. This is America’s version of a Royal Wedding–a State wedding–the most important wedding of the new decade.

My reply to her post: It’s important in the sense that Hollywood, celebrities, and the media have a handhold on creating culture. I know you’re being facetious, but I’m a closet-observer of their relationship. I’ve been intrigued by their intent not to get married until the LGBT community has equal marital rights in every state. That is a strong statement. And so is the fact that they’re now engaged, probably because their kids are asking questions and they are telling their kids that marriage is the most important human commitment. Whether we agree or not, Brad and Angelina have quite an influence on how marriage and family are perceived in our country.

I know all this media coverage seems like hype, but it’s not. For reasons of beauty, popularity, or whatever, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are more than Hollywood’s Royal Couple. They are national influencers. This can be seen in the fact that they don’t need to hold a press conference to issue a statement on their view of marriage.

All they have to do is go out in public with a rather large engagement ring.

This is why I care. I care because America cares.

But what about you? Do you care?

Who gets in a fight over having family devotion time???

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We do.

The conversation was so tense that we might as well have been yelling. Our words were slow and careful and calm—the kind of eery calm that holds back the rising tide.

The conversation rolled in waves over a span of a weekend. Oh, it was supposed to be a wonderful weekend, but he said he wanted us to start having family devotion time together and, well, I didn’t take so kindly to that idea.

Before bed that Saturday, I spent a good 20 minutes holed up in the bathroom trying to figure out what I was going to do about this. And he tried desperately to keep me from shutting him out. That’s our dance. I’m the quiet one. He’s the pursuer. And he bravely pursues.

This kind of disagreement meant going to bed angry, which also meant waking up to the mess on Sunday morning. And doing church together as the preacher and the worship leader.

Oh, mercy.

Oh, Sunday.

I try hard not to talk to him all the way to church that morning, even though he kept pursuing with his harmless questions and me with my short emotionless answers. And I run to practice with the band. And I’m not even thinking about the lyrics, I’m thinking about how I’m going to get through the Family Devotion Time Fiasco of 2012. What do I say to him? Do I say anything? Do I tell him how I feel about this? Or do I just comply?

I mean, seriously, just days before I told a young woman that the backbone of marriage is communication and if that breaks down there’s little left between the two of them.

He walks into the sanctuary—my handsome preacher husband who I know would die for me and who knows I want to kill him and who probably isn’t sure why because I’m not sure why, but here we are and I don’t even want to make eye contact with him. How do we get to these places?!

Yes, the grown-up thing is to talk about it. I can at least tell him how I feel. That is a very strong gesture towards maintaining open communication and open relationship. He’s a big boy, he can handle it.

So, between practice and service, I walk up and hug him and then I keep moving with very little eye contact. But that hug said “Ok, let’s do this church thing. And then let’s keep walking.”

After church we went out for lunch. Tense “conversations” are so much better in public when we know others can hear us. And I told him that I didn’t want to change his mind about any of this and that I really do appreciate his desire for us to share more of our spiritual journeys with one another.

But, I needed him to know how I felt about all this.

Inhale.

I told him how I felt. And I admitted that I was very messed up and that this family devotion time topic seems to bump up against an overwhelming number of sensitive areas in my life and I’m having a hard time with it.

And he listened.

And he knew that my only goal was to maintain open communication. Not change him. Not change our plan. Just give him an understanding of my side of this conversation.

And you know what?

That made all the difference in the world. And there is peace in Casa Thompson now. And, yes, we are having FDT and it is weird and slightly unconventional but it’s a middle ground and it fits us. And we’re both happy.

And I kinda like him again.

I guess I should tell him that, too, huh?

When you stop talking your heart starts walking.

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Say it with me: When you stop talking your heart starts walking.

Again: When you stop talking your heart starts walking.

Monday night — we were both pretty frustrated with each other. The kind of frustration that leads to silence. That uncomfortable silence. You know.

Tuesday — by lunch he’d made me smile. And oh man did he have to work for it because he had VERY little eye-contact from me. Did I mention we work together? uh huh. So it was sorta there. Just lingering. And heavy.

We both knew we had a date last night. And oh man did we need to get past the weird silence.

Tuesday night — I start talking–just dive right in. I had to. It was my turn and it required more than that smile. It required words.

So I slowly told him. And then he told me. And in the hard-hard-hard-listening we were able to better understand the other. And better understand the massive misunderstanding between us. And better apologize.

And by the end of our date night, we were happy to be around each other. And the eye contact was easy.

But it didn’t come without hard work.

Talking. And listening. Without the bridges of talking and listening, our hearts would’ve just been walking away instead of towards each other. Communication. Can there be relationship without communication? Nope.

So y’all say it with me again: When you stop talking, your heart starts walking.

I’m asking myself a few questions today. Actually, just one question. But maybe it’s for you as well: Where/when/how have we passively allowed ourselves to walk, instead of doing the hard work of talking?