sometimes i fight with myself.

this is one of those times.

you know how in the psalms david kept talking to his insides? like: “be still my soul” or “put your hope in God” or “why so downcast oh my soul? translated = what the heck’s wrong with you?” and stuff like that?

well. this is one of those “what the heck’s wrong with you?” times.

life isn’t all that bad, but it has lingered in the land of mildly difficult for the last little while – coupled with sharp oscillations of the highest excitement and joy. drew and i have faced a continuity of high highs and low lows over the past few months. and, i’m tired. at a time where i was hoping to come up for air, i’m still rolling in the waves. small waves, but even small waves can shake us if our feet aren’t firmly planted.

when things get crazy, i tend to hide.

and, this is one of those times.

you know that story, when Elijah went up against HUNDREDS of prophets of Baal, spent the day working hard with God to do a huge huge thing? then, when it’s all done and you’d think nothing could get him down, Jezebel threatened his life. yeah, that can be scary, but after the day Elijah had, it looks like Jezebel was a small wave, so what’s the big deal? right? even though small, she was still a wave that hit him so hard that he got real low… real down… kinda hopeless. why? my best guess is that he needed to rest.

sometimes i have to remind myself that positive stress and negative stress both affect our body in the same way. getting really really excited about something can do the same things to our bodies as getting really scared or worried. yes, it’s a scientific fact.

i think this might be one of those times.

and, i know this is one of those times when my body and heart is ready to be done with this round – to rest – to recover. i’ve experienced the spectrum of emotions over the last little while and i’m ready to rest.

i’m not hopeless.

i’m not in despair.

i’m just tired.

but, i’m fighting myself this time. i’m fighting the urge to retreat – to curl up inside myself and hide. i’m fighting the urge to simplify my life by minimizing who and what i’m around. i’m fighting the urge to do the “nothing” type of rest – to find ways to escape through TV, noise, solitude, sleep, food, solitude, etc.

i’m tired.

i’m angry.

i’m frustrated.

but i’m not down… i’m not through. i’m not giving up.

i’m still gonna fight this fight.

::

how do you fight? how do you rest?