Hello, my name is Mandy. And I’m a Seminary dropout.

I spent one semester as a student. Then quit. That was three years ago. I know I’ve told many people that I quit seminary because I decided I didn’t want to pursue Christian Counseling. Yes. This is true. But, I also quit seminary so we could start a family.

Three years ago.

Three years.

Seminary is prime breeding ground – a perfect quaint little community where future-ministers start their little families. In fact, they all jokingly say “don’t drink the water,” because it seems like everyone has babies at seminary.

But, not everyone.

Not us.

And not for lack of trying.

Even though we planned to adopt, we just couldn’t afford it during seminary. It’s very expensive. Very. And it’s cheaper to just make a baby.

I know I mentioned that I never really dreamed of becoming a mom. That was still true. Even in the decision to start a family. Even while we were trying to get pregnant. Even then, I wasn’t sold on the idea. This is such a radically important detail in this whole story. Don’t miss it, because that hesitation will eventually lead to guilt. Think about that while you click this link for “cognitive dissonance” and try to imagine my emotions from month to month. Cognitive dissonance will make someone crazy.

I know I’m not the only woman who’s questioned whether or not she wanted to be a mom. But, most women who face that uncertainty only deal with it for a few months, and then the question is quickly answered when they see a little pink plus on the stick.

I kept asking myself if I really wanted this, from month to month… for eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen months…

Seventeen months of trying – waiting – wondering – fearing – hoping – praying, but not knowing if I even wanted it.

Anyway, sticking with the plan of trying to get pregnant, we headed to the Doctors for assistance… And that’s when things drastically changed.

(Read part one: Before The Beginning)