Tag Archives: reflection

Somebody could’ve warned me that adoption triggers “The Pregnancy Panic”

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It’s December. Just a few days into the month. And any day now we could get a letter saying that the State has approved us as adoptive parents.

Maybe we should throw some sort of Letter Party to celebrate. Celebrating is good.

And then maybe we’ll get some official news about some kid or kids out there who need parents.

And then we will want to know more about them and maybe get to maybe meet them.

And we might really get to do this adoption thing. It might be time. It’s December. She said we’d get a letter in December and it’s December which means it’s time to expect the letter and then all the rest will maybe fall into place sometime soon in the next few months or years or something.

It’s time.

It’s time.

it’s time…

oh my gosh are we sure we want to do this and what are we doing trying to adopt and have we lost our minds thinking we can jump from zero children to maybe two children who are old enough to talk and tell us that we are not their parents and we cannot tell them what to do–even though we love them and they are stuck with us because the state says so and the court says so and their edited birth certificates say so?

and what if they both get screaming mad at the same time and what if it happens in the grocery store when it’s me versus them and all the people that can hear them crying “you’re not my mama you can’t tell me what to do!?”

and what if they hate everything I cook except for all the nasty processed foods that Drew and I have sworn off and don’t want to bring into our house because no human being can thrive off of boxes of “it’s the cheesiest” for long before their bones bend and their brains break??

and if we’ve lost our minds then surely our parents think we’ve lost our minds and how do they get any sleep at night when they know from experience that our whole world is going to flip over and we have no idea what’s coming and no way to prepare for it and definitely don’t know what we’re doing or else we would’ve thought twice about this?!??

So I tell myself that this must stop–all this mental madness and heart-pushing panic. It has to stop. It’s unfounded (maybe) and it’s unreasonable (maybe) and it’s late at night and I’m just having an episode where the chemicals get upside down in my brain and it’s better if I just stop listening to myself and try to fall asleep and then I do fall asleep and I’m having a wonderful dream about journaling with colors and papers and glues and letters and words and images and then Drew climbs in the bed and steals one of my (many) pillows and it wakes me up and

yes

it starts all over again.

Diary of a Bad Day

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I don’t remember when I started writing this. It’s been a while. But I’ve kept it, because I wanted to remind myself that my days of depression are fleeting. And that yours can be as well. Let me know if you can relate. I’m holding out a handful of hope for you.

The not-sleeping-thing should’ve been my first warning sign, but I ignored it. Then I lost my notebook. And I lost my words. And everything moved like molasses in my brain.

Now there is today and it won’t go away. “It” being this fullness on my chest–this want to sleep the day away–hide from whatever it is that has my heart pounding like it is–my heart so fast and my brain so slow.

I haven’t felt his way in a long time… But I’ve felt this way for years. Distraction is my best friend. Distraction in writing, in singing, in doing something other than looking inside. It’s a shame that creativity necessitates introspection. That’s just my luck. So, I go looking for distraction. She either writes or runs. Today she wants to run.

She’s fighting the instinct to curl up deep down inside herself and hide…. hide where the quiet is. And where the words are. The real words. Not the other words that are made up and saved up and played up.

But the real words don’t come easy. And they don’t write easy. And they don’t read easy. The real words bring release and reflection, but introspection isn’t always the best method of chasing it all away. Sometimes it’s best to hide from what’s inside until it quiets down, chased away by sunshine and vitamins and balance.

So where do I hide?

Distraction.

There are still days, and when those days come it feels like forever. I’m so glad that it never is forever. And I’m so glad that those days don’t come nearly as often anymore.

Hope.

Re.Make.

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I’m getting itchy. Restless. Wandering. Listening. Questioning. Wondering. Waiting.

This kind of inner stillness is rare, and it always catches my attention–with its certainty.

and rush.

and standing.

I wonder how long it’ll last–but it won’t be long enough. There is little time. The moment will soon fade into the past.

In this moment I want to remake. I want to get out there and find the person I want to be. And I want to internalize all that she is, until I am she.

And I want the sound of my voice to sound like my own best friend, not my worst enemy.

I want to hear truth. I want to hear the things I want to want to say come out of my very own mouth.

I want the mirror to match my memory.

I want to be her.

Again.

Instead, I am poor.

Friday Finds (and, oh, there are some goodies!!)

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  1. Do you ever meet someone and immediately respect them? I officially met Chuck at a conference back in February, and he made quite an impression on me. This is from his blog, which he stole from John Maxwell: “We exaggerate yesterday.  We overestimate tomorrow. But we vastly underestimate today! When your mind is focused on yesterday, your heart will be filled with regret from the past. When your mind is focused on tomorrow, your heart will be filled with anxiety about the future.  When your mind is focused on today, your heart will be filled with hope. If you change what you do today, your life will change! 
  2. If you need some inspiration and motivation for your weekend creativity, go HERE. I found it via Jeff Goins (gah I promise I’m not obsessed with JG. I could talk equally as much about Ms. Messy Canvas if I wanted. And maybe I will.)
  3. Want to be challenged to dig deeper into yourself and find the diamonds that may be hidden? Go read some Messy Canvas. Her words are worth the time. & I like to call her The Messy Mandy (as if I’m not!)…
  4. And what’s floating around in my brain today? We cannot create from the depths if we are not willing to reach down and dig. So, this weekend, I’m doing some serious digging.
What are you doing this post-memorial-day weekend? Any creative aspirations on your calendar?

What’s your “Now?”

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I’ve spent much of the past few years either looking forward or looking backward. Boston, Georgia, Seminary, ministry, summer, winter, pregnancy, infertility… backward and forward my heart goes.

I recently read a post by Anne Jackson (@flowerdust, “Mad Church Disease”) simply titled “When God Isn’t…” and, man, that header grabbed my attention. As you all know, God isn’t doing what I want him to do right now. Or whatever that heretically means. And it’s a hard pill to swallow.

But I’m trying. TRYING to stick with Him in this, albeit kicking and screaming.

I’m trying to focus on my “now” – on where He has me “now” and let that be enough. Isn’t it enough?

In 15 words, my now is:

creativity

nesting

relationships

ministry

songwriting

journaling

resting

discipline

grieving

embracing

sharing

answering

giving

loving

asking

That’s all I have. That’s my “now” and I’m beginning to hope to see some light in it. Some good in it. Some truth in it.

In fifteen gloriously honest and meaningful words, what’s your “now?”